We have fights: Women about partner childbirth
The presence of a loved one at birth It has long become the norm in some countries and is not at all accepted in others - and in an ideal world depends on the personal choice of a woman. In our country, conservatism is traditionally combined with innovation, while many still give birth to joint births. We talked to women who decided that going on such a brave journey together is more fun or at least more comfortable, and asked about what they needed it for and whether the process left pleasant memories.
The way I figured out whether it was possible to carry out a joint birth in Colombia was reminiscent of beating my head against a wall. In the most important clinic, where the majority gives birth, the information service told me three times that this was impossible categorically and there were no such cases. In the end, we found a doctor who explained the scheme: it is possible, but not for insurance, but for an additional fee. In the envelope. Of course, almost $ 1,000 is expensive, but this is my first birth in an unfamiliar country, and I was ready to pay for the peace and presence of close people - this is not some kind of iPhone after all.
Pregnancy was easy, in the first trimester I passed Camino de Santiago (yes, eight hundred kilometers on foot), flew a lot, moved to Colombia, I felt great and prepared for natural childbirth. But forty weeks passed, there were no contractions, and the child’s weight passed over four kilograms - they decided to do a planned cesarean section. During preparation for the operation, as usual, there was confusion, I was told several times that I could not call my husband, but at last the doctor came and said that there were no problems - the husband was so husband. Then Louis appeared in a beautiful sterile suit.
It turned out that I was mistaken, thinking that the husband is needed only for natural childbirth, and a cesarean - garbage. He took my face in his hands and began to reassure, and I asked what they were doing there. Or rather, have you already started doing something? I felt only touch, but he knew that the process was in full swing. At that moment, he was the closest and closest person, and I was so grateful that he was there. The husband saw my face full of fear and sympathized - he didn’t cry with me, but supported him, for which he thanked him many times. In the meantime, I was in a half-switch, I memorized all the details, so that I could answer a hundred times the questions about the birth of my daughter: “And then? And what is she?
I gave birth together with my sister, who, eight months before, also had a child: she is ten years older and has always been an example for me. I was sure that she thoroughly studied everything you need to know about childbirth. Despite the trust in the doctor and midwife, it was calmer for me that my sister was nearby - it seemed that in the presence of a witness the doctors would be more responsible. The father of the child was waiting outside the door, and at any moment they could change places. But my sister was much calmer, after all she had already gone through it, but he did not.
The deliveries were natural, without anesthesia, about twenty hours passed from the first bout to the appearance of the daughter; My sister watered me with water and calmed me down. If she hadn’t been around, I wouldn’t understand what is happening: the doctors are silent people and they don’t tell much, but by the reaction of my sister I understood that everything is good and the process is going right. We were always close, I am glad that she was there - it is possible that next time I will also ask my sister to accompany me during the birth. And although the second time, probably, will not be so scary, you still want the support of loved ones.
I asked my husband to be in labor, because I was afraid of pain: that would be bad for me, and there was no one around who loved me. Options to call mom, doula, girlfriend, I did not even consider. I don't understand how parents are taken - and I definitely won't go to my daughters to give birth. How can I imagine that my native girls will suffer for the sake of someone unfamiliar baby - but I will hate my grandson! The services of the dole are not clear to me either - it's like a person to whom you pay so that he gets drunk and sympathized with you for money. The husband agreed, although he was afraid; contractions began at night at four o'clock, we took a taxi and arrived at the hospital.
The deliveries were long and painful, before anesthesia I managed to pull out from the pain. Closer to the birth of Alice, it hurt me again, and my husband helped a lot; I could not concentrate on the words of the midwife, hardly heard her, and he suggested what to do. Then, when it was all over and the health workers were about to disperse, I suddenly started bleeding like in a horror movie. My daughter was given to my father - she spent the first few hours of his life with him, and I was completely calm for them.
It was not possible for the husband to be present at the second birth - both under the conditions of the clinic and because he was at home with Alice. Everything went easily and quickly, I had a great midwife, but, frankly, my husband was not enough. I was important and his support, and the opportunity to laugh together and joke in a critical situation.
I am happy that I happened to attend childbirth. At first, I just wanted to help a friend who was left at such a difficult time without a partner (my husband was away on business) or a close relative, and also to see how everything happens - such preparation for her own kinds. Now I understand that I have witnessed something incredible that will stand in one row with a wedding, parachute jump, carnival in Brazil, driving Ferrari on a professional track, jumping into a gorge on an elastic band, going to Everest Base Camp - all extraordinary things that I managed to survive by the age of thirty.
I believe that both the expectant mother and her partner should be prepared for childbirth, read books, watch documentaries. It is important to tune in that things can not go according to plan; occur rapidly or, conversely, take a few days. A partner during labor is very important. Nearby must be someone who can help, bring water, wipe the sweat from his face and talk.
All the physiology accompanying childbirth is not scary. A person is in such a frank and natural state that all "unaesthetic" moments fade into the background. I think that the stories that the partner then disappears sexual desire - this is an invention; rather, the desire to protect a woman is awakening. In Europe and America, men have been present at childbirth for very many years, and if families break up later, for other reasons. All my acquaintances, men from Russia who attended childbirth, say that this is the best experience in their lives. All women - that it made their marriage stronger, and the relationship closer. Well, my foreign friends do not even have such a question, they simply do not know how to leave their partner at such a moment - this is akin to betrayal or treason.
Actually, I always wanted my husband to be with me, but then he was not eager, and a friend, who had fainted before that in his wife’s birth, tried to dissuade him in every way. I didn’t have any of my people around - I live in Greece. Mom flew right to the birth, and we agreed that she would be there. It turned out that she had always dreamed of becoming a doctor and seeing the birth of a child. I was not afraid of childbirth themselves, but it was somehow not at ease to be alone with the doctors and did not understand anything. Although mom does not speak Greek either, she is sure if she could figure it out!
The delivery was difficult, and my mother was always there, just supporting, pinching, prompting, talking, wiping her face and lips with water. I do not know who, except for her, then could do everything so clearly. She wanted so much to be actively involved in the process, that at some point the doctor even asked her to step aside. I can imagine how my mother would be worried if she waited ten hours outside the door with the rest of her relatives. True, on the second birth after three years, she stayed at home with her eldest grandson, and I went to the maternity hospital with my husband - and he helped me a lot too.
When we waited for our eldest child, the question of whether the birth should be joint, did not even stand. It was very important for both of us. We almost never parted, and wanted to experience such an important event together. Then we lived in Khabarovsk. We then told everyone that Zhenya, my wife, was pregnant with a stomach, and I, with my heart. It was very important for me to take my son first. Partner childbirth in Russia - the pleasure paid, therefore the considerable part of our holiday has gone on this luxury. We did not encounter any difficulties in communicating with the staff: they openly said that we would be a same-sex family and we would give birth together. True, then the “law of propaganda” did not exist yet and society as a whole was well-disposed. We were a curiosity, everyone said that we were such first, and the attitude was appropriate - I was even allowed to spend the night with my wife and child. Joint childbirth brought us very close, we fully felt that we are giving birth to this child together. This is an unforgettable feeling. I really feel that this is my son. When I saw him, so small, I just lost my head: I remembered every wrinkle on his face, every little thing.
We decided that I was carrying out the second child, and it just so happened that we gave birth in Germany. We talked a lot about how joint births affect family relationships, and, of course, Zhenya could not miss the birth of her daughter despite the fear of blood. I was conscious, I was doing a caesarean section. Despite the epidural anesthesia, it was very hard for me because the child went head high under the ribs and the doctor had to do a lot of different manipulations. Before the birth, I was more worried about my wife, but then I saw that next to me was like another woman: she was very confident in herself, took all my fear into myself, became a real support. It was very painful for me, and although I could not say a word, she saw everything in my eyes and began to add a dosage of anesthetic. It didn’t really work, and when it was impossible to add, and I was shaking all over, she leaned over my face and said that I shouldn’t think about anything and look at her, because it would all be over soon. She held my head and looked at it until the moment when the child was taken out. It really helped.
One of the manifestations of reproductive violence, popular in Russia, is in response to any broken knee or painful procedure, to say to the girls: “How will you give birth? This is a million times more painful!” I heard this in childhood from medical workers many times, so I was sure that I would never give birth. But it took about thirty years, and painless childbirth became available. Of course, I was still scared at the beginning of the pregnancy, but I understood that I’m not alone and that we will go through all this together with Mandela.
During pregnancy we became very close; somewhere at the end of the first trimester I flew away on a trip to Guyana and Puerto Rico and for the first time in my life I felt that I was missing home and I wanted to return as soon as possible. Mandela went with me to all the visits to the doctors: and on the ultrasound, and just seem and listen to the heartbeat. From 37 weeks, when the pregnancy is considered to be completely full-term and the baby can be born on any given day, we had a bag for the hospital; Mandela's colleagues understood that he could break out of the office at any time, because I categorically said: "Without you, I will not go there."
In the hospital, we were almost all the time together, the staff came in about every forty minutes to see how the process was going. At first they tried to turn on the TV, they realized that it was necessary to take a computer with serials, but not so no, they just chatted, joked, he gave me a massage to ease the fights. Then it became unbearable, I asked for anesthesia, and life got better. Mandela watched the fights on the monitor and said how strong they were, and I felt them as a press cut, but didn’t feel any pain at all, was very curious. We also often recall when we saw that there are scales for babies on the table, and on them lies a diaper. Normal pure diapers, and we both are: "Is this for a child? For our child? Is this all for real?" I could not believe that now there will be three of us.
Then it was time to push, two times they explained how to do it, and I tried, and the third time Christopher was born; Dad at this time was behind my head, and we were shown the appearance of a child in the mirror. He was laid on my chest, one of the nurses immediately grabbed Mandela’s mobile phone and began to photograph and shoot a video, so we have a photo of all three of them literally in the first minute of her son’s life. Then dad was asked to cut the umbilical cord and put the first diaper on the baby. We spent the whole day together at the maternity hospital, and the next morning we called a taxi with a child seat and went home.
I had and still have the feeling that we have divided in half all the inconveniences and difficulties of pregnancy and childbirth, and now parenthood; constantly there is not even support, but the knowledge that we go through it together. I like the fact that we are completely interchangeable mom and dad: both had to travel independently with their son for six to seven months or, on the contrary, to stay at home with him for several days.
I read about doulah in one of the books on preparing for childbirth. I had just arrived to live in a foreign country, there were no friends and family around, and the idea of a doula echoed my wishes - I wanted the most natural childbirth. Then I found a Doul search site, entered my address and called the nearest specialist. I was incredibly lucky: it turned out to be a world-famous doula, Liliana Lammers, the organizer of the British Dole association, was the one.
We met at her house, and the conversation was very free. It was my first birth, I did not know what questions to ask, so Liliana just talked about the birth and about herself. She spoke with such affection and warmth that suddenly everything became very clear and calm for me, I had the feeling that this is the person I can confide in unconditionally.
The trip to the maternity center was the most difficult, I had to sit upright in the car - it was painful. Then Liliana asked her husband to stay in the corridor, made me blankets, pillows and blankets for the "nest", turned off the light and left. The next few hours I do not remember, failed in some half asleep. It seems that midwives came in and listened to my stomach, Liliana asked them to crawl up to me and do everything quietly, stroking my hair, did not ask anything and did not say.
At some point I went to the bathroom, closed the door, and then the real attempts began, which cannot be resisted and which cannot be caused by tension. Perhaps the vertical posture helped, perhaps the darkness and the loneliness of the bathroom, but I literally gave birth to two attempts, and Liliana, who was also silently nearby, caught the child, who otherwise would have fallen on the tiled floor. Liliana came to me in a few days, and together we walked through the park, and she touched her hand lightly, stroked her hair, and said that everything was fine and everything would work out.
Looking back at my experience, I realize that for me, doula is indispensable. She personifies exactly that gentle, but thoughtful, care that you rarely find in your own parents, husbands and doctors. My task was to turn off my rational, tough, demanding head, to trust my body and nature, and the presence of the doula was exactly what helped me to do this.
Cover: Evgenia Valla