“A woman will suffer even more”: Why do families forcibly reconcile in Chechnya
In early July, the head of the Chechen Republic Ramzan Kadyrov urged to reunite divorced couples: "The clergy, the heads of villages and districts, the police chiefs must find out why people divorced. We must read sermons, teach, help, work on this issue," he said. "We must wake people up, tell, explain "To return the women who have left their husbands, to reconcile them is our first task." The project is supervised by the department of administration of the head and government of the Chechen Republic for relations with public and religious organizations, special commissions are involved in reconciliation of couples. This week, the TV channel “Grozny” announced that almost a thousand families have reunited since the beginning of the program. We talked with experts about the practice of family reunification and what its consequences might be.
Now it is fashionable to talk about "traditional values", and it is believed that in Chechnya, they especially care about spouses living together, so that there are fewer divorces, and follow this statistics. When the authorities were created special commissions that are engaged in reconciliation of the spouses. It should be understood that in any case this intervention in the family, and here the principle of voluntariness should be key - when the spouses have the opportunity to apply for help to the commission if they themselves want to save the family, or the right to refuse the help of the authorities without any consequences.
Formally, such commissions do not directly contradict the law, if the principle of voluntariness is observed - I want to believe that this is more a negotiation procedure, the so-called mediation, when spouses can discuss the accumulated problems with a specialist. But given that social pressure, that closed society that exists in the North Caucasus, it is often the woman who does not have the opportunity to go against the will of the local communities and firmly state her position. As a rule, she does not have the support of her own family, her parents (no one will go against the local authorities), she cannot turn to crisis centers - they are simply not there. Therefore, of course, there is a risk of serious pressure on a woman, and she has no defense mechanisms in such situations.
There are cases, for example, when there is domestic violence in the family, and the woman simply cannot live in such conditions and is forced to leave. We believe that in such a situation "family restoration" can lead to additional violence, a threat to the life and health of a woman, therefore divorces are necessary here, and their goal is to save a person. If such, often temporary, “reconciliation” leads in the future to a violation of rights, to a new conflict within the family, then, of course, the responsibility of such commissions for the fact that they contributed to the return of the woman to such a family will be obvious.
A divorce in Chechnya primarily hits a woman. In most cases, she loses the most precious thing she has - contact with children. In our practice, there are a lot of cases in which local and even federal authorities refer to the fact that, according to local traditions, in Chechnya and Ingushetia, a child remains in the family of a father after a divorce. And even if the father dies, the child remains with the grandparents on the father’s line or the father’s brothers, and the mother cannot actually participate in his upbringing. This is quite a frequent occurrence, and in the case of divorce, all the more so happens that mothers do not see their children for several years. Even if they come to school, children are set up so that they do not fit the mother. Therefore, women often cling to marriage simply to keep in touch with their children.
In this situation, we are primarily concerned about the pressure on the woman. There must be a balance: if there are organs that help preserve families, then there must be organs that will support a woman in a crisis situation when she needs to leave. We know that quite often marriages are not registered, are held according to a religious ceremony. We had a lot to do when a woman after a divorce was simply left with nothing, she had no place to live: the house and property were written to her husband, legally the marriage was not formalized and she just goes nowhere. Therefore, the system should be balanced: if you are engaged in such a good mediation in principle, when some conflicts are settled, at the same time there should be an opportunity to end the relationship, get support from social services in case of divorce and guaranteed the right to communicate with children as provided for by Russian law.
In fact, the initiative to reconcile families is quite old. I understand that a new interest in it is due to the fact that Ramzan Kadyrov again drew attention to the problem.
We live in the modern world and we understand that family conflicts are very different and in each case you need to understand separately. This is quite a difficult job, which should be handled by experts. The, that there is under muftiate (a religious organization uniting religious institutions and residents of a certain territory, headed by the mufti. - Approx. Ed.) - This is a commission to resolve family conflicts. In principle, this is good, because in the republic they recognize that there is a serious problem, that it needs to be solved. Previously, they didn’t talk about it at all: it was believed that everything that happens in a family should be solved in a family. But since the number of divorces is steadily growing, with the development of electronic means of communication it becomes obvious that quite a lot of problems are not solved by the same methods: persuasion, moral appeal, to the fact that a woman should be obedient to her husband. Therefore, the creation of a commission is a recognition that there is a problem.
Another thing is that, of course, the commission does not have the necessary specialists who can competently resolve such issues. They should be solved together with psychologists, with women's organizations, with specialists who work with victims of domestic violence. According to a study conducted by the Fund to them. Heinrich Böll, the level of domestic violence in Chechnya is quite high (even in comparison with the surrounding republics of the North Caucasus). Chechens often say that the figure of a woman is sacred, but if we look at the statistics, we see that this rhetoric has become very different from reality.
In Chechnya, the influence of tradition is strong enough, and the family is the most important thing for Chechen society. For a person, family support is, in general, the main resource due to which it can exist in Chechen society. If a woman wants a divorce, this is a relatively new situation. Often the family does not allow a woman to divorce. Plus, Chechens have a tradition that after a divorce, the children remain in the husband’s family: it is believed that the woman will remarry, she will have another family and other children, and for her children from her first marriage this will be painful. In addition, it is more difficult for a woman with children to re-arrange her personal life. If a woman really wants to leave her husband, it is quite difficult for her to decide. It is considered in society that it is a shame if a woman voluntarily decides to divorce herself, therefore these issues are tried to be solved within the family. But more and more it becomes known about such cases.
Since there is a wide gap between rhetoric and practice, life shows that people will in any case find formal or informal solutions to a problem. Religious marriages are increasingly being entered into, so divorce must also be carried out according to religious rules. Plus, in our study, we saw that young girls have a tendency not to get married at an early age, but to get an education, to think about their future profession, about a career, in order to provide for themselves in the event of a divorce. There is a fairly high percentage of young girls who say that they will never marry at all, because they don’t like the way men treat women in the republic. The commission, in general, should work, but do it in the maximum cooperation with professional organizations and people - at least with psychologists. And to the psychologist in this case, you need to send not women, whom the psychologist will admonish: "Come back! Think again! Stop for the sake of the children!" - and men. The psychologist should work with them and understand why they behave in such a way that the wife wants to leave.
I would like to explain how this will be perceived by the population. I noticed that when we give comments from the standpoint of human rights, the population does not respond. I understood why. The point of entry for people is religion. In fact, according to religion, it is believed that the first thing that is not welcomed by the Almighty is a divorce. But the second part of this installation is not given, the context is broken. The second part says that if a couple does not come to reconciliation, if a woman has sufficient reasons to not live with this person, she has the right to divorce, just like a man.
I have been in this field for more than ten years. Maybe I’m burned out, but now I don’t see the effect of such articles: they are read only by a certain number of people who already know that all this is wrong, they analyze the situation. And those who fall into these difficult situations - how to reach them? For me, this is a great pain: how to get through to everyone - to those who blindly execute these instructions, who reconcile a family by force? We are thinking how to find such an entry point in order to approach the population from a different position.
"Forced to reconcile", "forced to reconcile" - what can be good here? Recall how four years ago we were forced to marry, to take second wives. What came out of it good? Nothing. Divorced women remained - someone with children, some children were taken away.
It is clear that people will go for reconciliation because of fear, it will be a temporary solution. If any family really understands that it was a mistake, if they have time to analyze, think, and maybe they will find some points of contact, I will be very happy. We, as an organization, advocate only for healthy families. But I do not think that this will be the case with people who have already finally decided to divorce if there is a woman in the family. If such a family is reconciled forcibly, it creates additional opportunities for those who have the power to continue to humiliate those who have no power. If, for example, a man humiliates a woman and forcibly reconciles them, the woman will suffer even more - violence and pressure will increase. They show her: you are nobody, you see, even the authorities say that we should be together.
As far as I know Chechnya (I, of course, know her worse than Dagestan), here women leave the family fairly freely, Chechen women have always been more free. I regard these actions as an attempt, among other things, to break the will of women, to restrict their freedom to escape from an unloved husband or from a despot husband, from a husband with whom it is impossible to live. The broken pairs, compared with Russia, are less characteristic of the Caucasus. There is more - often to the last, often even too long - holding on to marriage and family. And if the two in Chechnya dispersed, then there were very serious reasons for a divorce.
I don’t know how in Chechnya, and in Dagestan very often, when the two disagree, two kinds quarrel between themselves (tukhum, as we call them), they become enemies. Everyone remembers: "Oh, your Fatima has left our Rasoul!" or "Your Mirzokhid threw our Zuhra!" Can you imagine what it is like to bring these people back and make them portray a family idyll? We are well aware that this is an absolutely involuntary return and union of families. In my opinion, this is just a nightmare.
I would like to note one more thing: it goes against the rules of Shari'ah, which are supposedly honored in the territory of Islamized Chechnya. This contradicts everything: adatam, sharia, common sense, secular legislation. Everything except the role of Ramzan Kadyrov and his desire to control his subjects everywhere: in bed, at the table, in the mosque, at work. Of course, it terrifies me, because it's all near.
Such an initiative exists in the republic - this system has been operating for about two months. In my opinion, the idea is good: if the campaign is conducted consistently and reasonably, many people can be helped.
In recent years, we have seen a sharp increase in the number of divorces in the republic. In the process of divorce, both women and children are affected. Most often, divorces end with the fact that a man takes away a young woman’s children and women practically lose the opportunity to communicate and even see them. A custom emerges from ancient times, when children remain at divorce from the father's family.
Why do I think this initiative is a good sign? In my opinion, this is an attempt to restore the institution of social regulation of family relations. There was a good custom in Chechnya: when families were divorced or were on the verge of divorce, usually the nearest community — relatives, neighbors, and fellow villagers — intervened in this conflict. They invited respected people, talked with the husband’s side, with the husband, with the wife and her relatives, convinced them. Usually this ended in the fact that young people lived together again - often until the end of their days. The nearest community did not allow for a “easy” divorce, especially in families where there are children.
In recent years, there is a process of urbanization and people live more apart. No one interferes in the affairs of a family, and this reinforces the tendency to divorce for minor reasons. For example, in the Chechen family, mother, the eldest woman in the house has great authority. On the one hand, it’s good that the children listen to the mother, and on the other, the mother-in-law often rudely interferes with the son’s private life, can make comments to the daughter-in-law, rebuke her. Often a young woman can not stand the pressure and seeks help from her husband, but he cannot go against her mother. On this ground often quarrels. I think this is a minor reason for a divorce. These questions could be solved differently: to live separately, my son talk with his mother.
Violence, of course, is a good reason for young people to separate. We are engaged in projects to protect the rights of women, to strengthen the status of women in society, and issues of domestic violence. In order to implement a reunification program without violence, family monitoring and the unequivocal support and protection of the woman are needed if violence occurs.
I talked to the members of the family reunification commission, and they claim that they visit families at home, make phone calls (most often to their wife) and, most importantly, warn a man about the inadmissibility of violence. Therefore, the commission is always present precinct. If the question of the inadmissibility of violence in a reunited family is raised, then this is a very good initiative.
I asked the commissioners if they found out the reasons for the divorce. They claim that the most common cause is violence. Among the reasons they call the Internet: men complain that women sit a lot on the phone, start a communication that is unacceptable from the point of view of the local mentality. Exactly the same resentment in women: the husband contacts with other women through the Internet. Social disorder plays a very important role, alcoholism - alcohol is prohibited in our country, but there are also such cases. The family at this stage is also a form of protection, prevention of involving men and women in radicalism, in extremist organizations. Lonely, upset, ruined people are most often influenced by extremist groups.
We have been working on the topic of divorce culture for a year and a half. They say it is easier to reconcile bloodlines than divorced spouses and their relatives. You cannot make an eternal war out of divorce; If you have a child, you should always leave bridges for friendly negotiations.
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