FOMO: Why are we confident that others live better than us?
Winter Friday evening, outside the window frost, and you decide to stay at home on the couch with a cup of cocoa and netflix. In between the series, check your instagram and see that your friends have a great time at the bar - and you are worried if you did the right thing when you stayed at home. For this phenomenon there is a separate term - fear of missing out, or FOMO, that is, the fear of missing something important. Although it is difficult to call it new, the name for it appeared relatively recently. The Oxford dictionary (or rather, its online version, which is updated faster than paper), the concept of FOMO, for example, entered only in 2013 - there it is defined as “Worry because some tempting or interesting event is happening somewhere now. often cause posts in social networks. "
Of course, Cinderella was worried about the fact that she could not get to the ball, long before the advent of the Internet and photography - but the rapid spread of FOMO in our life is associated primarily with social networks. No wonder: if earlier we could find out that we missed something interesting, only in a few days, now we can watch what is happening almost live. At the same time, it is impossible to abandon social networks in order to no longer think about lost opportunities - they have long been an integral part of our life. In addition, it is not known whether these measures will help in principle: perhaps the feeling that we are missing something important will not go anywhere - due to the fact that we generally cannot find out what others are doing.
Choice around, too, has become more. If earlier we knew only about a few events that should be held on the weekend, and we took it easy, now we see all the events and parties that friends and acquaintances want to visit - and we wonder if they are interesting for ourselves. Immediately, it is no longer necessary to make a choice either: it can be noted that the event simply “interests you”, and to wait for something better to appear. Such endless decision making is exhausting and paralyzing: any option that we refuse has advantages; because of this, what we have chosen may look less attractive - and we reproach ourselves for the “imperfect” choice.
Despite the fact that FOMO is familiar to many, the phenomenon has so far been little studied. The most famous work dedicated to him was published in 2013. Its author, a psychologist at the University of Essex Andrew Przybylsky, and his colleagues conducted two surveys to study how FOMO manifests itself in different people: a little over a thousand people took part in the first, internationally, a little more than two thousand British in the second. The researchers came to the conclusion that those who were less satisfied with life and felt that not all of their needs were realized, more often there was a fear that they were missing something important. They also used social networks more - but it is not known what caused this and what the consequence of. According to Przybylsky, the results suggest that feelings of our own lack of independence, incompetence and the lack of close relationships with other people cause FOMO - and this, in turn, encourages us to check social networks more often.
Psychologist and gestalt therapist Natalya Safonova believes that the reason for fear of missing something important can be the limitations that exist in our life: "It is impossible to read all the books and watch all the films, meet all the people, attend all the parties ... This is a fact that it is difficult to accept, which you want to close your eyes, - she notes. - And then a person can live for a long time with an unclear anxiety and a constant desire to embrace the immense and be in time. And watching social networks only adds fuel to the fire - deception is formed ivoe the impression that others are what have time, then I can. " According to the expert, FOMO can also be associated with loneliness: "Just like a hungry person everywhere sees snack bars and shops, so a person with a lack of communication can always pay attention to those who lead a richer social life."
It seems that the fear of missing something today can not be avoided - but in fact everything is not so bad. The first thing that needs to be remembered by the person who decided to fight him is that from the side of someone else’s life does not look like the situation
Some researchers believe that FOMO is very close to the feeling of regret. Amy Summerville, an assistant professor at the University of Miami’s Department of Psychology, which explores regret and accompanying emotions, notes that this feeling comes when we compare reality with what could be, that exists only in our imagination. The easier it is to imagine something, the stronger the feeling. "When we see videos and carefully selected photos from instagram, which makes it clear how much fun everyone was, we can easily imagine how much fun it would be for us to party," says Summerville.
It seems that the fear of missing something today can not be avoided - but in fact everything is not so bad. The first thing that needs to be remembered by a person who decided to fight him is that from the side of someone else’s life does not look the way it is. “In social networks, few people talk about hard experiences, we are more inclined to share joys, and this is understandable,” says Natalya Safonova. “If you flip through the tape, you can decide that everyone except me lives successfully and happily, and with me, it means something is wrong. But this is only a distortion of our perception. A vivid confirmation of this is the posts from the #faceofdepression flashmob. "
Psychologist Anna Nechaeva advises to try the methods of "first aid", for example, to introduce a restriction on viewing social networks: to close the site or application as soon as negative emotions appear, or use them only for work purposes. She also believes that relaxation techniques such as meditation and breathing exercises can be useful - but it must be borne in mind that they relieve manifestations, and not the causes of the condition.
Paul Dolan, author of the book "Happiness by Design: Change What You Do, Not How You Think," advises another simple technique. He believes that the feeling of happiness can be partly controlled - and in many respects it depends on what we pay attention to. He suggests focusing more on the positive aspects, because attention is a limited resource.
Behind the fear of loss of profit, there are often broader problems and unmet needs, and it may be easier to find and work on them with a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Another good thing about fighting with FOMO is "satisficing" (from English, "to satisfy -" to satisfy "and suffice -" to be sufficient "). This idea became popular thanks to the theory of the Nobel Prize in economics Herbert Simon. If to simplify greatly, it lies in the fact that we choose not the best option, but rather a good option that suits us by several parameters - simply because we cannot process the entire array of information and find the ideal option. Such an approach may be useful to those who are exhausting themselves in search of the best - think that your resources are not infinite and try to slightly let go of the situation: yes, perhaps what you are doing now is not perfect, but you made this choice because it something arranged you. In search of a partner, you are unlikely to explore all the inhabitants of the Earth - with a party, work or a new sofa, the same principle applies.
Anna Nechaeva says that behind the fear of loss of profit, there are often broader problems and unmet needs, and it can be easier to find and work on them with a psychologist or psychotherapist. Each case is individual, but some reasons are more common than others - for example, the feeling that a person is not valuable and not interesting in itself: "This is a rather painful experience, and a person tries to cope with it through success in work, participation in various events and demonstration of this , to get positive reinforcement - for example, a like or a comment. Of course, this need cannot be met in such ways. It is worth exploring the reasons why a person feels unprofitable and uninteresting, and develop positive is, in itself, self-support. "
Sometimes the fear of missing something important suggests that a person for some reason refuses his needs, choosing a more “simple” and familiar, but not satisfying way of life. “Then it’s worth figuring out what a person really wants, what kind of life he wants to live, what needs and desires he“ interrupts ”and why,” says Anna Nechaeva. “Here a clue can be a careful attitude to his reactions to the same posts in social networks Which of them cause the strongest emotions, serious envy? What others have, what do you lack in your life? What prevents you from getting it? "
The main thing that FOMO should teach is to pay attention to yourself, your desires, needs, opportunities and goals. Perhaps you feel that you are missing something important - and then it is a reason to think about how you see your life and in what direction you should move. Perhaps you are just trying to grasp the immense and visit all places at the same time - and then it is better to concentrate on what is really important for you and give up the rest. Remember that in the lives of others, there is also a routine, and it hardly looks like a vivid instagram picture. “Careful attention to oneself, awareness of one's feelings, and behind them both needs and desires, help a person to live in harmony with himself and the world,” says Anna Nechaeva. “It quickly becomes clear that you don’t feel sorry to miss, but what to use as much as possible. "
Photo: Vjom - stock.adobe.com
