Black Line: How to take care of yourself in difficult times
We all know what the "dark period" - serious and long-term troubles that occurred after unpleasant changes in life. A close person went to the hospital, you are experiencing a painful separation, have lost your job or cannot find a new one, are faced with financial difficulties, and so on. This situation is a continuous long-term stress. Most often, we hear that we need to "get together and fight," but this strategy only works for a short period of time — and for a long time, the strength runs out and exhaustion occurs. We tell how to survive difficult times, treating yourself carefully.
Text: Yana Shagova
Humble that energy will be less
And do not scold yourself for it. Any serious troubles cause long-term stress, and this is a very energy-intensive state for the body. Do not try to demand from yourself as much as you did in the normal mode - it is better to reduce the number of cases, leaving only the most necessary. Of course, the most difficult thing about it is not to take the breakdown as a failure. Society imposes on us that only effective, rational and super successful people can be "good". And even if a misfortune happened, a person must “pull himself together” and “fight”, and not “limp”. But in reality, this is impossible to accomplish: if you split up with your partner, get sick, quit, or face another serious nuisance, you will still be sad and you will feel less energetic than before. It is better to immediately take this into account when planning things.
Plan rest and leisure
Yes, they are required. Of course, leisure does not necessarily imply a noisy and fun pastime - it’s just about any kind of recreation and entertainment that you usually like, and such as you can afford now because of your moral, physical and financial condition. Even if it's just a chocolate and a cup of tea in bed with a blanket. Or going to the movies. Or cooking and eating your favorite food for the series.
The secret is to plan them - directly write in the diary and put in the schedule. In stress, many of us tend to include a survival mode: load yourself with chores to the limit, try to immediately solve all the problems. But the idea of exhausting yourself with work to forget is not as good as it seems. Unpleasant thoughts will find a loophole anyway, and they are especially good at night, in silence, when there is no longer a resource for business - therefore many who follow similar tactics suffer from sleep disorders. You are not a robot and must recover. In addition, a relaxing holiday helps to better understand yourself and your feelings, and this is important for mental health. Especially in difficult times.
Do not be cruel to yourself
It means not to drive yourself to the limit with things, to eat in time, not to overdo it with alcohol, cigarettes or junk food (because health problems have not yet made anyone’s crisis easier), not to lock yourself in isolation at home, but not to force yourself to go to all events in a row, just to "cheer up." Watch for health and the forces that in this state, as we have said, end much faster than usual. Perhaps for some time you will not be the most reliable friend and business partner - but save yourself.
Not to be cruel with yourself yet - and this is very important - it means not to listen to the inner critic when he says: “Let's take a sober look at things. Nobody wants to live with you because you are ... (you have an uneasy character, are not able to interest anyone the like) ". Or "The employer refused you because you are not capable of anything." Or "If you're trying for the third time and nothing comes out, you have to admit that this is not for you."
What to oppose to this voice? Self-compassion and recognition of those feelings that hide behind him: anger, anger, disappointment, despair. Undoubtedly, trouble causes a whole range of negative emotions, and they can last for quite a long time. Yes, you can and should learn from any failure or crisis. But self-blame does not help.
Find out who to share experiences with.
In difficult times, many people have a desire to “hide in a hole”: stay at home, try to solve problems alone, communicate with others at the minimum and don’t tell anyone about their troubles. This is a natural reaction. First, there is a component of denial in it: as long as I don’t tell anyone about unpleasant events, it’s as if they didn’t happen. Secondly, undoubtedly, not all people are useful in a crisis situation (the next item is about this). Thirdly, communication requires strength, and in a crisis they are very limited.
Still, sharing difficulties with those who support us is very important. It reduces the level of stress, makes us feel that we are not alone and, in the end, helps us cope with a difficult period. Try to tell about your difficulties to at least a few close people who usually are not inclined to criticize others and make harsh judgments. It may be worth warning them that you are experiencing difficulties, it is difficult for you to talk about them and you are waiting for support.
If there are no good friends in your environment right now, relatives are not ready to support you (and this happens), think about slightly more distant acquaintances. It is important to get human support and to be listened to. In the extreme case, the Internet can come to the rescue: closed groups, acquaintances who have had similar troubles, or thematic forums. Just before telling about your difficulties in some community, make sure that the rules of eco-friendly communication are accepted: the participants support each other, there is no victim labeling, no one is bullied and not ridiculed, no ratings are given. Otherwise, you risk getting new wounds on top of old ones.
Avoid people giving categorical recommendations.
This item primarily concerns those whose difficult situations can (or it seems that they can) be affected. Those who part with a partner or whose relationship is in crisis, those who emigrated or chose to stay, those who have difficulty at work and are not happy with it, and so on. Many of us at this moment start giving advice: “Stay at the old job, you always have time to leave,” “Go for interviews after hours,” “Leave the country,” “Stay,” “Try to improve relations”, “Don't let her more chances, it won't end with anything good "... However, even those whose difficult situation cannot be influenced in any way (for example, he died close), they also manage to give recommendations:" Escape to something "," Less to cry "," How distribute things as quickly as possible. "
Categorical recommendations and persistent advice during the period of hesitation are unequivocal evil. Although it would seem, why not listen to them, especially if they are given by an authoritative person for you, which took place in this particular area - successful in work, happy in relationships, and so on? But, first, someone else's experience and someone else's choice may not suit you. You do not know, and you may never know exactly what price a colleague managed to save the marriage, that a friend who moved to another continent lost, and how successful a friend’s decision was to go to programmers, abandoning translations from a foreign language. A person sometimes defends a decision that he made himself, not at all because it was so successful, but to prove to himself and others that it was his choice that was right. And even if he really believes that this choice is good, it’s not a fact that your values coincide.
But the most important thing is that the more you doubt, the more you need people who do not give any advice at all. Because now you need not someone's leadership, and unconditional acceptance as a person. Regardless of the decision you make, you need people around who will consider you good or good, expensive and valuable, no matter what happens to you and around. And the necessary decision in such conditions will mature itself sooner or later.
Try not to make "sudden movements"
Having experienced severe stress, we sometimes feel an overwhelming desire to do something to correct the situation. This is a natural reaction of the psyche. Usually we try to do it in two ways: either to return the situation at least some definiteness - or, on the contrary, to escape from it into some wondrous new world (“Leave and start a new life in a new place”).
Usually, the consequences of rash decisions and the stress from them end up harder than what you experienced first. Therefore, if you quit your job and are looking for a new one, do not settle for the very first sentence, without even going for a few more interviews. Avoid in a panic to decide immediately to return to the old, if the first week of your resume no response. If you break up with your partner, resist the desire to return everything after the first attack of acute longing and do not rush to immediately start a new relationship. Having experienced a great loss, having learned about the disease (yours or a close one), think for at least a month or two before drastically changing your life: moving, changing your occupation and so on. Such an attempt to escape from a difficult situation and difficult feelings will be unproductive.
What to do instead? It is very useful to fix feelings on paper or give them a place in some other way: put sad songs that you associate with your situation, draw, dance. It is not necessary to plunge into melancholy, fear or grief “to the fullest”, it is enough to give your heavy feelings a place and a short time - at least half an hour, at least fifteen minutes. It really heals a little and makes the situation portable, as opposed to trying to escape from it.
Photo: zakalinka - stock.adobe.com (1, 2)
