Micro-changes: What do the likes, emoji and followers of our partners mean
This year a term has finally appeared denoting a constant concern about the behavior of partners on Facebook and instagram. Professor of psychology at the University of South Wales, Martin Graff came up with “micro-changes”, which, unlike “full-size”, happen only in social networks and even do not necessarily imply sexting.
Laiki under the photos of two years ago, frivolous use of emoji with flowers and hearts, a sudden subscription to the instagram of the former, a tinder in the list of applications, an ambiguous query history in a search engine - all this somehow fits the definition of microchange. In fact, micro-change can be called anything that becomes a trigger for a suspicious person.
If my boyfriend never liked me, but singled out other girls - I would definitely be alert. Or if he began to like photos of a new colleague, although he usually didn’t pay attention to others. Permanent likes of a particular woman, sudden hearts of a former group mate or colleague - all this would make me think
Masha
Laiki is not a cause for concern and jealousy - rather an occasion to think about your own psychological problems. Although I would have tense up if my husband’s notes began to be constantly liked and commented by a friend who had not done this before.
Lena
A lot of sudden likes under old photos of a particular guy - definitely micro-reading
Misha
More likes
The columnists of the “Relationships” section are sounding the alarm - microchanges are allegedly becoming more and more often the cause of separation. It may seem to someone that because of the likes under other people's photos only teenagers can quarrel, but denying that the Internet has become part of a relationship is almost the same as devaluing the problems of victims of cyberbulling. The problem can not be solved by turning off the computer or smartphone. It is hardly possible to say that social networks have definitely made us alienated - in the end, they also allow you to correspond with your partner at work, and in the queue to the doctor, and from the next room. Rather, they presented an additional language with which you can both say about sympathy and show indifference.
The question is that it is true to count its signs at times more difficult. What do ten likes in a row mean under the photo of the guy you met yesterday at the party? Why quickly extinguish the phone screen when you sit down next? Why, after a conflict at work, the partner exchanges "troops" with the new girlfriend for a whole evening, and does not discuss the problem with you? Why messages from the contact "Kate" written in the masculine?
You can communicate with the former if you honestly talk about this partner and he reacts to it normally. In other cases, I would think
Ira
My girlfriend never laid out sexy photos, and if she starts to do it, I will try to find out why she feels the need to do this now, but I’m unlikely to ask you to remove. Of course, I don’t like it, but everyone has their limits, and they have to be considered
Vova
Anything that causes fear and a sense of uselessness can be included in the definition of “micro-changes”. But how can you seriously accuse your partner of treason when he is sitting on the other end of the sofa and is clearly not going to go anywhere? In addition, everyone’s sensitivity is different: if one doesn’t pay attention to correspondence with the former, the other sees the place of the ex-partners only in the black list.
All this greatly complicates the mechanics of relationships, if only because the definition of micro-changes for someone includes not only direct communication (likes, correspondence or sudden follow-up), but even “unusual” behavior. Why is it usually that a phony person on Facebook releases two posts per day and instead of the traditional evening talk all night long he answers comments? Where did so many selfies on Instagram come from? Why are these semi-nude photos? Even such seemingly innocent changes can cause concern and misunderstanding, undermining trust in relationships.
Are there any micro changes
However, the use of the word "betrayal" in relation to the changed or even alarming behavior of a partner is hardly correct, says psychotherapist Anna Nechaeva. In her opinion, “micro-change” does not exist - there are only forerunners of “full-size” that many people are looking for in social networks: “Likes, subscriptions and chat rooms are difficult to consider as objective signs of alienation, everything needs an individual approach. seems to me a real cause for concern. "
At the same time, dating applications can remain in the phone simply because of forgetfulness from the time of life outside relationships, only business issues can be discussed in chat rooms, and likes can be displayed exclusively for the love of beauty. Exactly that is why “micro-changes” often remain only speculation and a reason for irritation and a secret resentment, which was not resolved in honest conversation. Interest in the page of the former can never grow into a real meeting or even correspondence, but relations, filled with innuellings due to social networks, can really end more quickly - the cause is mistrust.
I sometimes notice how my girlfriend is chatting with some guys in the telegraph, including with her ex. I hate being jealous, but I don’t say anything to her, because I don’t see any really objective reasons for concern.
Vova
I would be wary if my husband deleted our shared photos from social networks, and even if his phone started to constantly ring from new messages and I wouldn’t know exactly with whom he communicates
Maria
The boundaries between the "micro-change" and simply unpleasant behavior on the web each pair, obviously, should determine itself. Without discussion, it may well turn out that for one, it is normal to draw hearts and flowers under each photo of a nice colleague, and the other does not put huskies anywhere and anyone.
“Discussing likes, you need to explain to your partner why they are so important to you. Perhaps without them you feel less important or you want people in your environment to see these likes and consider your relationship in every sense“ normal ”,” says Nechayeva . But despite the fact that social networks have long become a full part of "real life", not all consider comments and likes equally important. If a partner pays enough attention to you everywhere except on Instagram and Facebook, there’s probably nothing to worry about. In addition, the mechanisms for issuing posts in social networks are constantly changing - a person may simply not see your new avatar.
However, the sudden disappearance of playful comments or joint profile photos with a partner may be the last straw for a mature conversation. And the matter will turn out not at all to the likes, but to quite a real crisis of relations, which both of them chose to ignore, replacing them with happy pictures on Facebook.
Macrosetting
Social networks are not able to spoil our relationship by themselves - rather, they make all the changes, resentments and omissions emerge to the surface, Nechaeva said. For a person with no problems with pathological jealousy, this is a plus: theoretically, this will allow diagnosing a problem as early as possible and calm down by discussing the problem. For the jealous person, the whirl of likes and comments to “suspicious” personalities will be an occasion to dive deeper into neurosis.
My girlfriend is sitting "VKontakte" at the same time with the former. They come almost at the same time and leave with a difference of a couple of minutes. When it is not online - it also almost does not sit on the social network. Crashed her, what's the matter - he says that he communicates with her friends. I myself rarely correspond with her "VKontakte", mainly in the telegraph. I can not believe her, because there is no other reason for jealousy, but too many coincidences!
Kostya
Straining when a guy does not respond to my messages in the messenger, although he sits online and obviously corresponds with someone else. It seems that there is someone more important than me.
Dasha
For a pathological jealous man, arguments even in “real” life do not work, what can we say about the confusing sign system of social networks that constantly throws up reasons for jealousy. Mysterious inscription on instagram photo, love song on the page of a person you're jealous, a couple of hours offline without a convincing explanation - in fact, anything can become a trigger for a bad mood, fatigue or even scandal.
In an ideal world, social networks would become a more than compelling reason to think about your problems with jealousy and contact a specialist. In fact, the majority only aggravates this problem, requiring the partner to make all passwords shared, and private correspondence the work of both. "What do you have to hide?" - asked in such cases, putting a partner in a dead end. However, such a question is openly manipulative: even if there is absolutely nothing to hide, everyone has the right to discuss problems and interests without the constant ghost of a partner behind his back, Nechaeva said.
My ex-partner immediately noticed when I added some girlfriend to my friends, and wrote something in the spirit: "What, did you draw upon the young?" Or throwing pictures from the page of this girl, waiting for my excuses. She climbed into my laptop, phone, read correspondence, found something to cling to and used this as an argument in quarrels. She did not agree to discuss the unethical nature of her actions, because she believed that the end justified the means. We did not break up because of this, but constant distrust also left an imprint
Vova
I think that if a person really wants to sleep with others behind his back, he will do it, no matter how many follow likes and read mail. Betrayal (precisely betrayal, and not falling in love with a new person) so you will not track
Katya
Theoretically, we can imagine a situation in which people will pass on passwords from each other's accounts without much suffering. But why? If a person is so afraid of betrayal, it is much more honest to tell you about your problems with jealousy, warn your partner about possible triggers, ask not to do particularly painful things, but definitely don’t ask for passwords. Practice shows that relationships work well without edifying control, but without trust, definitely not.