Big little lie: Why do we imitate an orgasm
If you google the phrase "imitation of an orgasm" in Russian, The first pages of the issue will be filled with advice on two issues: how a woman reliably simulates an orgasm and how a man recognizes a "cheat". But there are other questions to which the answers are more difficult to find: why does the orgasm simulate at all, and can something be done about it?
Oscar to the female half!
Almost everyone who has sex with women is sure that it easily recognizes imitation. This is certainly not the case. For example, in one of the American Cosmopolitan polls, 67% of women 18-40 years old said they occasionally simulate an orgasm. It is hard to imagine that all their partners and partners each time determined a "fake" and did not take any steps to remedy the situation.
Moreover, even in studies of sexual behavior, specialists have to weight women with sensors to make sure that the orgasm was accurate: external signs are too diverse to rely on. So you have to admit: almost everybody has Meryl Streep, who is able to win an award for a believable show.
Everybody is dancing
Men, in fact, also pretend. Charlene Muhlenhard of the University of Kansas found out that among people practicing heterosexual vaginal sex, 67% of women (familiar figures!) And 28% of men regularly pretend to be, with some having an orgasm during oral sex, manual stimulation or even during phone sex. Participants in the Men's Health and Women's Health polls showed that 17% of men imitate orgasm. In another study, for which men aged 18–29 were recruited, all participants reported that, on average, they simulated in a quarter of cases - and most often it was about sex with women.
So, despite the stereotype about the ubiquity of “pretenders”, men in this dubious competition are already breathing in the back of their heads. One of the signs of a future imitation is the sudden appearance of a condom, although usually it is not required. In these cases, the contraceptive is used to mask the absence of ejaculate.
Reasons plus
Among the reasons why people pretend to orgasm is common to all genders, and partly deception comes from good motives. Both men and women declare that if they fail to reach orgasm, they can pretend to maintain the partners' self-esteem, inspire them and maintain good relationships. Most likely, they do not even think about what will happen with this self-esteem, when a partner or a partner realizes that they were playing a performance, but initially their idea is completely altruistic.
Orgasm is often equated with sexual satisfaction and is considered its prerequisite. Therefore, the ability to bring another person to orgasm is a kind of super power that shows how you care about him. But as a result, those who are so cared for are forced to create and maintain the illusion that all is well.
Reasons minus
Another common cause is already negative, namely, the fear of demonstrating one’s sexual "failure". Men are inspired all their lives that they must be sex giants, feel joy and demonstrate power whenever they have sex, although they may be tired, not sensitive enough at a particular moment, suffer from delayed ejaculation or take antidepressants. Excessive amount of alcohol consumed turns out to be the cause of such deception for every tenth, because even a drunk can be easier to pretend that an orgasm has happened than to recognize its impossibility.
Women have even worse: mass culture refers to the constant orgasm rather than personal characteristics, rather than physiological capabilities. And despite the fact that from the actual vaginal penetration, orgasms, even in an ideal situation, are far from all, and there are queues for the craftsmen to deal with the clitoris.
So, with the same motivation and the same deception, the results are different: men avoid recognizing that they are human, and not sex machines (for example, middle-aged and elderly men imitate orgasm more often than young people), but women pretend to believe that may hide their alleged defectiveness.
Game as self-defense
Simulating an orgasm by a woman is often viewed as an action whose purpose is to hide the truth. But sometimes the sad truth is that women are trying to protect themselves: if something is wrong with sex, and the appearance of orgasm allows sex to end, then you have to portray it as soon as possible so that everything will end. Many claim to imitate orgasm when they experience fear and lack of security during sex. Some women talk about bad, unwelcome and unpleasant sex, avoiding expressions pointing to violence and coercion, although the description of events looks like this.
Pain, fatigue, discomfort, boredom, fear of a negative assessment, uncertainty in a new partner or partner, or even just too long intercourse, which ceases to give pleasure, is the reason to portray the fireworks, if the proposal just ends everything does not work, or even fraught with problems.
Looking for a way out
The question is: what to do after all if one day you guess that a partner or partner simulates an orgasm? The main thing is not to freak out and focus on the goal. If the goal is to preserve the relationship, then the last thing to do is to pin the person to the wall and demand the truth. Better demonstrate your ability to accept other people's features and discard the idea of compulsory orgasm every time. Find an opportunity to tell how you simulated an orgasm yourself or were close to it. Discuss how great it is to learn something new about yourself and others.
Agree that sex can simply be completed without explaining the reasons, because the reasons sometimes require additional reflection or it is difficult to talk about them. Demonstrate that you are ready to solve problems in a manner that suits your partners. Create together a safe space in which no one torments anyone with interrogations or endless dull oral sex in which no one is interested and who does not end up with anything.
And do not panic, if you have detected imitation only once or twice. Perhaps you are not well versed in how an orgasm looks, or maybe a partner (or partner) decided to experiment once and then he himself will tell you sometime. And, oddly enough, men who are romantically and sexually satisfied in their relationships more often imitate a simultaneous orgasm in order to please the partner, and their life does not deteriorate in any way.
If you pretend yourself
The reasons for you may be very different, and it is important to determine what is your priority at the moment: to stop deceiving or to preserve the existing situation. It is known that some women imitate orgasm, because it enhances their own arousal and even increases the feeling of sexual experience as positive. Many women shriek and make sounds like in the movies, because it enhances the excitement of a man, is regarded as an approval of his actions, and sex as a whole turns out to be more energetic and emotional. The need to pretend can be temporary: young and old women are more likely to fake than middle-aged women.
However, telling your partner or partner that all this time you have been pretending is very scary if there is at least some chance to receive in response accusations of deceit and insults caused by the sudden news. In this case, deception grows like a snowball, because there is no safe way to tell the truth. That is, perhaps, something is wrong with your relationship, and the need to imitate is only a consequence. Moreover, studies show that women more often depict an orgasm, if they doubt their partner’s loyalty, or, on the contrary, change themselves, and then it’s much more important to figure out what you expect from this relationship.
And, of course, it is useful to understand whether you are generally able to have an orgasm with this person, why, and whether you agree with this approach. MRI scans of a woman’s brain during an orgasm show that brain areas that are responsible for fear and anxiety turn off, and that’s why the orgasm so quickly enters a state of complete tranquility. Is it possible to reach it where you do not trust or do not trust yourself? You check.
