What is virginity and why does it prevent us from living
Judging by the debate that flare uparound any case of loss of virginity - whether selling the “first night’s right” at an auction or a decree obliging doctors to report to non-female schoolgirls to the police - this topic remains, to put it mildly, not an easy one. Few justifies an incompetent gynecologist who, due to inexperience, injured the patient's hymen, however, the commentators are divided into two camps in relation to the injured: one speak maliciously of the fact that a woman clings to "technical virginity" and shows her "backwardness" by becoming attached to this archaic concept, others protect her right to control her body and refrain from sex.
At the same time, the value of virginity (or what comes with it in the kit) remains enormous. So much so that in Yandex alone, almost 5,000 times a month, they are looking for something about Hymenoplasty - a surgical operation to restore the hymen, which is recommended to be done “before the wedding or as a gift to a beloved man” (the search engine returns 17 to the request of “virginity restoration” millions of results), and on the Internet, you can order artificial chaff with fake blood, which will help to imitate the "first time" for only $ 30. It's time to unravel the tangle of fears, absurd expectations and patriarchal attitudes, wound on the simple fact of physiology.
Cultural baggage
The concept of virginity is firmly tied to chastity, which in most of the world's cultures is considered virtue, and goes back literally to Adam and Eve - more precisely, to their fall into sin, in which the woman turned out to be guilty, reaching for knowledge. In Christian culture, the figure of the fallen Eve is opposed to the Virgin Mary - the mother of Christ, from whom the original sin is "officially" removed. In Buddhism, there is a legend about the immaculate conception of Siddhartha Gautama: according to the most popular version, Queen Mahamaya became pregnant after she dreamed of a golden elephant with six tusks. Remaining virgins after childbirth, these women secured for themselves a special, close to divine status: none of the mere mortals, except the main heroine of the TV series "Jane The Virgin", have so far succeeded in combining "purity" and the miracle of childbirth.
It is curious that in ancient times virginity was associated not with passive expectation, but with independence and the power of women - an example of the self-sufficient and powerful goddesses Artemis, Athena and Hestia, who consciously kept their innocence in order to calmly go about their business and not be distracted by intrigues like same Zeus. In ancient Rome, the priestesses of Vesta, who took a vow of chastity, were respected members of society and had real power - and after 30 years of serving the goddess, they retired and lived comfortably in the status of free citizens. However, by the late Middle Ages, virginity became firmly associated with the “marketable” qualities of the bride: before marriage, the woman belonged to her father, then became the property of her husband — hence the tradition of marching to the altar with her father by hand, the Hindu rite of “kanyadan” and modern “innocence balls”, where girls in white dresses promise fathers not to have sex before the wedding.
For centuries, virginity has replaced both the paternity test and contraceptives.
For centuries, virginity replaced both the paternity test and contraceptives: a stain of blood on the sheet guaranteed "cleanliness of the family", for the sake of which marriage was started. In some regions, after the first wedding night, relatives are still shown bloodied bedding - and on the Russian-language Internet you can read a lot of interesting things about how newlyweds run to the market to get chicken blood, make red watercolor or make cuts on their hips to make it realistic to stain sheets.
Modern girls almost do not risk paying their lives for the compromised innocence - however, many still undergo degrading “virginity checks”, and in Africa and the Middle East there are “deflorators” that ritually deprive girls of innocence after the first menstruation. You will surely recall the wild story about a hyena professional deflorator with HIV from Malawi, who engaged in unprotected sex with dozens of women and ended up in jail for two years under the article on “harmful cultural practices”. This is just one of the traditions based on the idea of first sex as initiation - after all, both in African tribes and in progressive Western countries, the loss of innocence has traditionally divided the girl's life into “before” and “after”.
Contradictory installations
Sex in most families is not customary to discuss, and Russian schools can hardly provide full sex education: while the French high school students are shown a 3D model of the clitoris and explain that this unique organ is needed only for pleasure, their Russian peers have to rely on more “advanced” classmates shy parents and porn. From these dubious sources for puberty, we most often learn that virginity is something valuable that can be “stored” and then “lost”; that first sex is incredibly important and can affect all subsequent; that the lack of sexual experience for a young woman is a sign of purity and a source of pride, and for a guy an annoying hindrance that needs to be eliminated. Depending on the environment in which the teenager spins, opposing perceptions of virginity may coexist: while parents and the church promote the idea of abstinence, classmates brag about their invented sexual adventures and make fun of "virgins" just like "nerds" and "freaks."
Adolescent girls find themselves in a paradoxical situation that is common for a culture of slipsmaking: on the one hand, they must “keep” themselves for as long as possible so as not to pass for loose, on the other, they risk becoming “blue stockings” that no one ever wants. Teenage boys, too, have a hard time, but at least they are not between two fires: stereotypes about “losers” who can’t manage to say goodbye to innocence in any way boil down to one idea about male sexuality (the more, the better) and are exhaustively described in films like "American Pie" or "Forty Year Old Virgin."
Crown for vagina
Like the clitoris, the real structure of which was discovered only twenty years ago, the hymen (hymen) is still poorly understood: scientists do not even know exactly what function this small fold of mucous tissue performs in the body. Researchers agree that hymen is a rudimentary formation that somehow participates in the fetal development of the fetus. Many believe that it serves as a protective barrier that separates the internal organs from the external environment. Oksana Bogdashevskaya, a gynecologist, adheres to this point of view: "In the tender, pre-pubertal age, the vaginal mucosa is usually thin, the microbial landscape is scanty. The hymen makes it difficult for various microorganisms to penetrate the defenseless baby vagina," says Oksana. able to independently regulate their numerical and personal composition. During this period, the need for an additional barrier is reduced. "
Hannah Blanc, who wrote a whole book about the history of virginity, compares the hymen with the extra plastic that remains on the edges at the time of the outflow of toy soldiers. This is much closer to the truth than the analogy with a barrier or membrane: the hives are very different, but in most cases they have one hole in the middle or several small holes - vaginal leeches and menstrual flow follow through them. “With sufficient estrogen saturation, hymen is usually juicy, folded. With estrogen deficiency, it is thin and pale,” says Oksana Bogdashevskaya. “One or more holes should be necessary: if there are no holes at all, with the onset of menses, discharges accumulate in the vagina.” In these rare cases, a small operation is needed: the gynecologist cuts the hymen so that the discharge can be outside, and then problems usually do not arise. It is possible to damage the hymen in case of injuries and some medical manipulations, but this cannot be called "defloration" in the conventional sense of the word.
There are so many misconceptions and bad associations with the virginal pleace that the Swedish Association for Sexual Education now called it the “vaginal crown” - the new term should emphasize that the hymen remains with the woman for life, and does not disappear after the first vaginal sex. “Myths about the hymen were created in order to control women's freedom and sexuality. The only way to combat this is the spread of knowledge,” say the compilers of the “crown” brochure (you can see it here). An important feature of the hymen is its elasticity: thanks to it, virgins can usually use tampons without problems, and sometimes the chaff stretches so well that it freely passes fingers or penis - without tears and blood. Contrary to the common stereotype, in adult women, the hymen does not harden and does not turn into a pumpkin, so there is no age limit, when “it’s time to have” sex, does not exist.
First time myth
The blood myth, the existence of which allegedly confirms the "purity" of the girl, spoiled many of the first wedding nights - and a couple of centuries ago, not one hundred women who had been executed on charges of fornication had killed them. In fact, most girls do not bleed during the first sex - or "get off" a few drops that may not convince a jealous and not very clever partner. Although the discomfort during the first vaginal sex is normal (still the hymen is a mucous tissue with nerve endings), severe pain is a sign that you are doing something wrong, and bleeding, especially if it is not the first or second attempt, can to be a reason for going to the doctor.
The stereotype that first sex cannot be pleasant turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy: while waiting for pain, most girls cannot relax properly, and for a short prelude they do not have time to develop endorphins - natural anesthetics. In addition, the willingness to clench your teeth and endure conflicts with another cultural setting - that first sex is more important than all others and simply must be magical. Even children’s fairy tales teach us that in a covert way: a prince comes to Snow White or Sleeping Beauty (read: a sexually passive virgin) and wakes her up, and then everything goes like clockwork. In fact, women may not remember their first time at all - and not because he was terrible or the participants were drunk, but because it is not so important.
During the first sex (as well as the second, third, and so on) gynecologists advise not to skimp on lubrication, if the natural is not enough. The first penetration should not be rude - as we have already found out above, it is not necessary to “tear up” the chaff, because the hymen stretches well, and the sudden movements of the partner will only bring additional suffering to the girl. If the fear of pain does not relax at all, you can consult with your doctor about local anesthetics, or first stretch the hymen with your fingers or a miniature dildo before you put something larger inside - and, of course, talk to a partner so that he or she understands that you feel and helped cope with anxiety.
The first penetration should not be rude - it is not necessary to “tear up” the chaff, because the hymen stretches well, and sudden movements will only bring additional suffering.
Sensations from the first time are very individual and depend on both physical features and the environment. One of the heroines of the movie "How to Lose Your Virginity", which made a vow to keep chastity before the wedding, describes her sex on the first wedding night as "anesthesia-free operation": neither Helen herself nor her husband were aware of the existence of the lubricant, but in bed went to bed as if for an exam. After that, Helen had a long time disgusted with sex and with herself — only a few years later, with a new caring partner, she understood why people in general are doing this.
The negative experience of first sex is more common than positive: among our interlocutors, one regrets that the partners were not mature enough and attentive to each other ("no tenderness, eroticism and desire to give each other real pleasure"), the other says that " she cried, but tolerated, "and the third first sex is generally associated with an episode of violence:" It was painful and I asked to stop, but the ex-partner did not listen, because I thought that if a girl says no, then this is simply coquetry. " M., after an unsuccessful attempt at sex with a fellow student, "deflorized herself" with a deodorant bottle, because she did not want to "complicate" her relationship with the new guy with her virginity.
Fortunately, imperfect and even frankly traumatic experience does not put an end to the rest of sex life. "Despite the fact that this was far from consistent with the universal romantic notions of first sex with a loved one under Kings of Leon by candlelight, I never regretted that this happened exactly then and precisely because it was a very important stage for self-awareness, Sasha shares her impressions: “The most important thing is that every girl should know that she needs to be protected. For the first time and always. I didn’t know it (first of all because there was no one around with whom it would not be a shame to talk about it in my sixteen), and with some problems, the I’m no one for this reason, I’m still struggling. "
The topic for a separate discussion is going to the doctor: in an ideal world, a girl can plan her first sex and seek gynecologist for advice in advance, but in fact both virgins and non-women are at risk of running into criticism and malicious comments. "At the medical examination, when I entered Moscow State University two of my future classmates, who said they were having sex, the doctor brought tears to the face, giving them a whole bunch of STDs, erosion and future infertility," says A. - Because hands with alcohol before putting on a condom not wiped. Of course, then none of these "diagnoses" was not confirmed. " "Gynecologists were expressing disgust at the same time, learning that I was not virgin and not married at the same time," says S., L., about her experience. S. also had not the best memories of visits to the doctor: "It was always unpleasant at the gynecologist's reception, because that I didn’t understand at all what he was doing, I didn’t know what to answer, how to behave. It would be great if the doctor explained, clarified. "
Many "virgins"
Stereotypes about virginity are also bad because they are heteronormative: in 99% of cases, “loss of innocence” means penetration of the penis into the vagina, while all other practices and types of sexual relations are left behind. Although progressive researchers like Hannah Blanc believe that the term "virginity" describes the sexual status of a person of any gender and orientation, in everyday life it means the "traditional" heterosexual model. The concept of “technical virginity” has formed in this gray zone: to circumvent religious or family prohibitions, formally not violating them, young people practice all possible types of sex, except vaginal, and consider themselves “technically virgins” - but who needs it and why such tricks?
The heterogeneous nature of virginity leads to people asking absurd questions: for example, am I considered a virgin if I am a lesbian and do not plan to have sex with men? And if I only had oral sex? Or just anal? Or petting? Perhaps the only way to somehow rehabilitate virginity is to explain to everyone that it has nothing to do with hymen or vaginal penetration: everyone has the right to formulate a comfortable definition for himself and discuss it with a partner or partner on the shore.
The only way to rehabilitate virginity is to explain that it has nothing to do with hymen or vaginal penetration: everyone has the right to formulate a comfortable definition.
By Everyday Feminism, Suzanne Weiss suggests speaking not about one abstract virginity, but about the multitude: “first time in the soul”, “the first time you masturbate in front of someone”, “the first attempt in a new pose”. “It turns out that the stock of virgins is infinite, and their“ loss ”is no longer perceived as a loss, because there are an infinite number of others,” Suzanna concludes optimistically. We think this is an excellent approach to alleviate the symbolic burden of virginity - after all, new opportunities in sexual life are not limited either by age or marital status or orientation, and without fear once and for all it is much easier to “lose” something that is decided on experiments.
It is unlikely that the word “virginity” and euphemisms like “loss of innocence” will disappear from the language - however, using them, it is worth remembering that in fact first sex does not make you a different person, does not take anything away and does not commit to anything. Можно один раз переспать с кем-нибудь в четырнадцать, а потом воздерживаться до брака, можно заниматься сексом только по любви или поддерживать дружеские и интимные отношения с несколькими партнёрами - мы уже не раз объясняли, что при взаимном согласии в сексе можно вообще всё.
Тем не менее первый контакт, каким бы он ни был, - событие волнующее и значительное: побывал ли в вашей вагине член, попробовали вы анальный секс или фингеринг с боевой подругой - всё это "считается" и ко всему этому стоит относиться серьёзно. Sex in any form assumes that you are old enough and wise to consciously control your body and take a responsible attitude towards yourself and your partner - if you are not yet ready for such a stage in your life, there is nothing shameful about it. Unfortunately, this does not apply to all countries, but we still live to see the moment when women, men and non-binary people can decide for themselves what to do with their virginity. As with any other matter, no one has the right to condemn your conscious choice - be it abstinence or enchanting sex parties every weekend.
Images: Wikimedia Commons (1, 2, 3, 4)
