My friend is not my friend: How to understand that something is wrong with your friendship
Many of us used to think that love is more important than friendship. - and pop culture and public opinion only support this view. As a result, we know a lot about what a healthy relationship with a partner should be, but we rarely think that, for example, parting with a friend can be just as painful and that even the closest friend can be an abuser. We have collected a few signs that will help you to understand that something is going wrong in your relationship with a friend or girlfriend, and talked to girls who have experienced it.
Your friendship is a one-way game.
If everyone is equal in your friendship, but some are more equal than others - this is a reason to think. Friendship implies that two people participate in it on an equal footing and together invest in relationships and their development: if one takes it and the other gives his time and resources without receiving anything in return, this balance collapses. Rita faced such a problem(Name changed at the request of the heroine. - Approx. Ed.): quickly she understood that friendship with her classmate brings her more anxiety than joy.
Rita says that they had fun walking and chatting together, but she could not share her problems with her friend. “It was enough for me to say that my mother once again screaming at me for no reason, and my father, having drunk, was breaking furniture, she immediately translated the topic:“ And my younger sister broke a cup, I was asked to remove her, can you imagine? ” she says. “Her problems were always more important than mine. Even when I went to the hospital with a ligament injury, she called me and instead of words of support she said that I was lucky because she, poor, without me, has to prepare for a foreign language test, and I rest"".
Of course, in any friendship there are times when one needs more support than another. But if you see that your friend is not at all worried about your interests, feelings, desires and problems, and relations are built only in the way that is convenient for him or her, it's time to take action.
Emotional care is required of you.
This item naturally follows from the previous one. People who are not interested in the problems and desires of others can be self-centered and demand that friends solve their problems without giving anything in return. Of course, support is an important element of any close relationship, but you should not (and cannot) replace a psychotherapist with a friend.
Hope(Name changed at the request of the heroine. - Approx. Ed.) She says that in any difficult situation she became a "vest" for a friend - although she listened in return. According to the girl, her friend did not know how to put herself in the place of another and did not understand that something could be unpleasant to her friend in her behavior. Nadezhda says that somehow in the life of her friend an unforeseen situation occurred and she fell from work to help: "I agreed with the right people and made it so that the problem could be solved on the same day, in the evening. I set the time, and in half an hour she wrote before him that she was going to a manicure and would be two hours late. As a result, she did not come at all that evening, the solution was postponed the next morning. " According to Hope, then she realized that her friend does not need her help and she does not appreciate her efforts. After this incident, they stopped communicating.
Your friend is gossiping
We all know that it’s bad to gossip - but surely are familiar with someone who does not see a big problem in this, or even do it themselves. The habit of discussing other people behind their backs is toxic - especially if you notice that your boyfriend or girlfriend is doing it all the time. “He [the person who often gossips] has low self-esteem, he concentrates on the negative traits of other people,” said relationship consultant Julie Ward. “He wants to feel better because he talks about the problems of others.”
Pauline(Name changed at the request of the heroine. - Approx. Ed.) said that her ex-girlfriend regularly gossiped about acquaintances. “Every time she quarreled with one of her friends, she told the others how bad that person was behaving,” says Polina. “Then after a while she put up with the person and continued to communicate, as if nothing had happened. ". For a while Polina supported these conversations — she thought that her friend simply needed support — but later noticed that the situation was repeated from time to time. “It ended up quite prosaically: my close friend had a falling out with her, and I decided to also stop communicating. What she was constantly discussing with others (and, as it turned out, me too - when I behaved differently than she would have liked) played a significant role in this, "she says.
A friend does not rejoice at your success
Being together in grief and joy is important not only in romantic, but also in friendly relations - but it turns out that far from always. “When a friend envies you, openly or secretly, you will notice that he is not happy about your successes and that he likes to console you much more after failures,” said relationship expert and author of several books, April Masini. “This is due to his self-esteem and sense of self. "
Rita says that it was difficult for her to talk with her friend not only about difficulties, but also about her own successes: "When I told her about something joyful that happened to me infrequently, she began to lament:" You see, everything is fine with you in life, and I have no boyfriend and a quarter already with two fours ". It turned into an absurdity." If your friend sees your relationship as a competition or thinks that your success overshadows his own, you should think about the nature of your friendship.
Friend jealous of you
With age, it’s harder for us to spend as much time with friends as before: work, family, study, relationships, and other things can take a lot of energy. But if some friends perceive this state of affairs calmly and try to enjoy the time that you manage to spend together, others perceive it painfully - and can even be offended if they find out that you have seen someone else instead of spending free hours on it . If a friend takes offense at you for communicating with other people or having your own plans in which he does not participate - this is not a very good sign.
Olga says that this happened to her school friend: by the end of the university, they began to spend less time together. “When we talked a lot, I didn’t notice it, and then it became more obvious: she began to make claims that I didn’t pay her enough attention, I went where I wanted, and not where my friend wants,” she says. “She began to reprimand me for not paying attention to her problems, not to do that I constantly solve them — everything like that." At some point, Olga realized that all her conversations with a friend boil down to hearing complaints, and decided that she didn’t need it: "I just stopped talking to her, and after a while I started to receive text messages like" I found someone conscience. Did you lose it by accident? "" According to Olga, her friend later realized that she was behaving incorrectly and tried to change tactics.
You are being manipulated
Psychological violence can occur not only in partnerships, but also in any other, including friendly relations. If you feel that a person is using you to achieve your goals, trying to get you to do something that is beneficial to him and that you do not want to do - this is a wake-up call.
Anna tells how a friend tried to manipulate her: she pressed on her, caused a feeling of guilt, tried to prove that the girl had to do what she did not want. “I’ll be blunt: it directly affected my depressed state, I really felt guilty,” she says. “As a result, with the growth of my awareness and confidence, I realized that too much, almost always sacrifice, that I had this relationship and simply used. The gap was “dirty” and noisy. A friend tried to attract everyone to my “vile” act (I dared to leave her and refuse her another request, saying at the same time that our friendship was over). Scandalous, called my boyfriend and me with insults rebovala immediately apologize and do what she wants. "
You communicate only when a friend needs something from you
In English, there is the expression "friend friend" - so called the person with whom the other person communicates only when he needs something. If you feel that you are constantly helping a friend with his problems and affairs, support him when he needs help, but when you need help, you do not get anything in return - this is a reason for a serious conversation.
"She easily canceled plans when I was already on the threshold of the apartment. I easily lingered on a manicure to chat with the master when I ordered a pizza and waited for her," says Nadezhda. "One of the saddest moments was that she did not trust me some personal information, changed the subject and ignored the question, and then it turned out that the other three knew her friend. It would seem: oh well! But she called me her best friend. Perhaps she was cunning. "
Friendship instead of joy brings stress
Ideally, friendship is a healthy relationship that brings you positive emotions and impressions: if one of the components is missing, you should at least talk about the problem. Friendship should help each of you to become better: if you feel that you awaken in each other qualities that you do not like, or destructive habits, it's time to reconsider the relationship, even if you are together incredibly fun.
“Everyone has toxic friends,” Lydia said. “Often these are old school friends or former colleagues. People with whom we maintain contact are more out of politeness and good memory, but who, unfortunately, do not saturate us with energy, and more often, on the contrary, they take her away. We postpone the meeting until the last moment, and when we still have to do it, we come, we listen, we try to respond cheerfully and politely, until at some point we want to break off, cut off the person in half a word or answer rudely inappropriate and strange question. " Friendship should not cause stress and anxiety: if you don’t even think about meeting with a friend, do you really need this relationship?
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