Good guy: Why don't a friendzone exist

If you have ever seen memes about Jorahe Mormonte, who is unrequited in love, you know what a frendzone is: this is the name of a situation when one person (usually a man) is in love with another (more often a woman), but the second perceives him only as a friend. If you believe the Internet, the word "frendzona" first appeared in the TV series "Friends": in one of the episodes of the first season, Joe explains to Ross that he was in the "friendship zone" with Rachel - he took so long to admit to her feelings that soon she will perceive him only as a friend - and he will no longer be able to change the situation.

Twenty years have passed since then - but the idea of ​​the “zone of friendship” is still alive, even if it has slightly changed. It is believed that the friends are formed by two: a girl who manipulates a fan and gets all the "bonuses" of the relationship, but gives nothing in return, and the "victim" who is faced with incredible humiliations - because, despite all the efforts, it remains for the girl "just friend "(" You were told that you are a great listener, you are talented and you are lucky with someone? Congratulations, you are in a friendly zone! "). The problem is that what we are accustomed to consider as a frendzone is actually a set of sexist stereotypes and manipulations.

The first thing that catches your eye when we talk about frendzone is how much it is tied to sexist attitudes: it is no coincidence that we are more often talking about heterosexual relationships, and mostly men fall into the category of "friends" (although it happens that experience speak and women). Pop culture constantly gives us plots on the topic: a good guy falls in love with a girl, but she sees in him only a friend, because she chooses the “bad guys” instead of who takes care of her and gives her what she deserves - remember "Forrest Gampa", "It's good to be quiet", "500 days of summer" and a hundred more romkomov like "From 13 to 30". The problem is that the “good guy” trail is based on the idea that in order to be loved you just need to be “good”, although respect for others is a basic requirement for a person. It is believed that in exchange for time, attention and care, the girl must have reciprocal feelings - as if she can have no other reason for refusing to be treated well. Moreover, the opinion of the girl herself is not at all taken into account here - in addition to the fact that she does not want a relationship, a more "weighty" reason is needed.

Alas, the relationship is more complicated: there is no ready-made "combination" that will help find an approach to a partner. Considering that someone is obliged to start meeting with you, simply because you are having a great time together, manipulatively (going back to the memes, "women are not machine guns that give out sex when you throw friendship coins in them"). Friendson here works as a defense mechanism: it is much easier to imagine that a woman is insensitive and selfish than to understand that relationships will not develop.

Tips about the friend zones on men's sites usually suggest only one course of action: if you realize that you could potentially like a girl, then over time she will be able to convince, even if she refused at first. In such cases, it is advised to spend time together, doing the usual "friendly" things, to try to get acquainted with other people, that is (shock!) To do exactly what friendship implies. The only difference is that instead of enjoying the conversation, the hero, who is “stuck” in the friendly zone, waits strategically and tries to make the girl jealous, only occasionally wondering if it is worth it.

Friendship and truth can turn into love - but this is not the same as seeking a partner for months of "siege." Consent obtained after much persuasion, manipulation, and pressure cannot be considered as consent - but in a world where the idea that a refusal may be “not sufficiently intelligible” is still popular, not everyone understands this.

Many "fall" into the frendzone because of the fear of failure. They do not necessarily think that the other person owes them something, because they treat him well - but instead of directly telling about their feelings and discussing what they want from the relationship, they prefer to pretend that they need only what is happening now, secretly hoping that they will see something more than just a friend. “I almost never told the guys that I like them, because I was frightened by the unknown - it was scary that I would become vulnerable,” writes Sisi Olis in an essay. “I didn’t want to be the first to admit that I wanted more. Instead, I preferred to sit and wait, pretending that I don't care. I lied to them and to myself. "

It’s really scary to admit to feelings, but double in the case of friendship: there is always a chance of losing both a partner and a friend. But this is a rare case when you even have to look at the heroes of modern MTV: the American channel has the “Friendzone” show, where the characters admit to the camera that they are in love with their best friend or girlfriend, and at the end of the series they say they are not ready to be friends. Even if they do not add up, in a relationship, at least there are no omissions.

"You can’t continue the conversation for at least ten minutes without somehow hinting that you have a boyfriend," says Refinery29 journalist Lyrik Henry about new acquaintances and friends. The stereotype that a man and a woman cannot simply be friends is still alive - and with it the idea that if a woman does not designate boundaries at the first meeting, she allegedly misleads a man.

The idea of ​​a friendly zone is, in principle, hardly compatible with friendship: it is understood that it makes sense to communicate with a girl only when there is an opportunity to have sex with her - and the friendship itself is considered just a stop on the way to relationships. Reddit users even invented the term girlfriend for this situation - a situation where a man sees only a potential partner in a woman, and not a friend or a full-fledged interlocutor. Friendly relations still look less significant than romantic ones, and it’s humiliating to remain friends in such a coordinate system - it’s not surprising if this is practically a “punishment” for the “loser”.

Unlike unrequited love, it is believed that someone who finds himself in a friend zone faces endless humiliations: they use it without giving anything in return. The problem is that upon closer examination, the claims turn out to be far-fetched: yes, a person can be pleased with attention and care (although the fact that all girls want men's attention is also a stereotype) - but the fact that he accepts them does not mean that he is ready to something bigger. Ask for help with the move, say thanks in response to the compliment, hug and look like a couple in the photos, take gifts - none of this implies that the person is ready to take the relationship to another level.

Yes, a person who believes that his friends can be hurt. But instead of blaming the other for not meeting expectations, you should move on: accept relationships as they are, or discuss what they absolutely do not like (if you, as a hero of "Twentieth Century Women," sleep in the same bed only with a partner - tell about it directly). So it will be more exact - and in relation to itself, and in relation to others.

Photo:HBO, Summit Entertainment, Warner Bros.