“Why are you so?”: 8 things that are not worth talking to those who divorce
Divorce - stress is not only for the parting spouses, but also for their immediate environment. Here you have a close friend or a good friend sitting in front of you and say: “We are getting a divorce ...” - in this situation it is difficult to quickly navigate and understand which phrases will sound good and that will only upset your loved one. We understand how to express support and participation - and what exactly is not worth saying.
"And what happened?" / "And why?"
Divorce is not an ankle sprain, and it does not “happen” from careless movement. The disintegration of a pair is a long process, and sometimes it is driven by mechanisms hidden from prying eyes. When divorcing, the former partners themselves often do not fully understand what had led to separation - this becomes visible from a distance, several years later, often with the help of a psychotherapist. At the moment when a couple makes a decision about a divorce, she most often already states that she broke up, or practically did it. And the time to declare this "to the public" usually comes when the former spouses have already left and filed documents to the registry office.
It is important to understand that the words "we are divorcing" is not necessarily an invitation to dialogue. Not the fact that a person has the strength and desire to tell you in detail about his personal life. Perhaps she or he still did not fully understand what had happened. Perhaps the wound is still so fresh that a person is afraid to burst into tears right at the very first words at a cafe table. In this case, it is possible that a friend or friend does not mind discussing what is happening, but the right to do or not to do this remains with them. Often a divorce - a very strong stress, be delicate.
"Are you sure?" / "Didn't you hurry up?"
No, not sure. Or now I am sure, and in two days it will painfully hesitate. Divorce is a complex and multi-stage process that necessarily involves a phase of doubt in the correctness of the decision. Sometimes it is so strong that people converge back for a while - often, in order to separate again.
Why not ask this question? With this you only increase the vibrations of your loved one, without helping him with anything. Believe me, her or his head, and without you, is now busy with endless weighing, thinking about whether there is a chance to adjust something else, how to live anyway, where there was a “mistake” and so on to infinity. This is a painful process, and your question will plunge it into even more confusion.
"But you were such a beautiful couple!" / "You were an example for us, how so!"
People who say such are overwhelmed with strong feelings. Any big changes - the formation of a new couple, marriage, divorce, the birth of a child, death - let a kind of emotional “waves” take place throughout the close environment. The closer you are to the people with whom it happened, the more it hurts you. Maybe you focused on a couple of friends as an example of good relations, admired something in their marriage - and then the divorce as if makes you doubt your own perception: “But they seemed so friendly to me!”, “They had a common business, common aspirations and values - how is that? "," Am I really wrong (wrong)? ".
Many “paired” people divorce friends or relatives makes one wonder how strong their own union is - especially if the separated couple was perceived as a model of good relations: “We were guided by this example, but it turned out to be“ unfit. ” " We hasten to reassure you: no, it does not mean that you parted or your values are somehow “wrong”. Perhaps a sense of humor, tenderness, or common goals that you liked so much in a pair of your friends, were not the cause of the divorce, but the fact that until the last moment their marriage was fastened. The fact that the relationship broke up does not make them completely bad: they still had strengths, and it was probably you who paid attention to them.
All this does not mean that you have no right to express feelings about the separation of loved ones - but it would be good to do this without accusations and labeling. Use I-messages - speak from your face and about your feelings.
"Well! And how are you now to invite to the parties?"
The question is legitimate: over the years of marriage around the spouses formed common friends and even entire companies. When a couple breaks up, these companies have to somehow divide. If you were close friends with one of the spouses, and the partner was perceived as "plus one", there is no particular difficulty. But if you met them, already when they became a couple, or became close friends with a partner of your friend or girlfriend, everything becomes confusing. Do not invite anyone - sorry, to call together - somehow scary (suddenly start to sort things out right on your holiday?) And seemingly indelicate.
Do not expect a clear and final answer immediately. People need time to get used to the new status and see if they can see each other on birthdays and parties. If the separation takes place peacefully, newly-wedded couples usually assure friends that they will remain friends and can be safely called for public holidays. Unfortunately, in practice, these promises rarely come true. Even if the former spouses do not scandal, their presence at one event creates considerable stress for all.
The situation when two friends broke up is stressful and emotionally difficult. You liked to spend time together, and now there will be no “together” with a particular couple, and you will have to somehow solve the issue with parties or other common affairs. It can grieve and even anger. Perhaps now you also need sympathy and support - it’s true, it’s better to request them not from the divorcing people, but from other relatives.
It will take time, and experimentally set new rules. Some spouses discover that they cannot tolerate each other's presence (or those around them find that they cannot tolerate them together) - and they are no longer called to parties together. Creative arrangements can go on: “If you don’t mind, let’s we invite you for my birthday, and Petya for the New Year.” Others lead new partners and relate to the presence of the former or the former at a crowded party calmly.
"Well, right, it's time!" / "No wonder, he (he) didn’t suit you at all"
To devalue a marriage or a former spouse does not mean to support. Even when divorcing him is angry. Even when completely deserved. When parting, a person experiences a whole range of feelings, and usually their palette is much wider than what a person is willing to say. Someone mentions sadness, but is silent about anger and resentment, and someone only shows relief to his friends, but in fact he or she is very sick. If your loved one did not like a partner and did not hope to the last to maintain the relationship, she or he would not have lived with him for all these years. The end of even the most unsuccessful marriage is accompanied by regret, nostalgia, sadness, resentment, and often even despair - therefore, “joining” to relief or anger is very neat.
This does not mean that feedback is not valuable - especially if you have seen signs of violence and emotional pressure in a close relationship. For example, such a phrase would be correct: "You know, I was very embarrassed to listen to how he scolded you for all — it seemed unacceptable to me." Too emotional to scold the former spouse or spouse is not worth it, even if this person seemed terrible to you. First, by doing so you will play the classic Karpman triangle: you will become the aggressor, and the former spouse will be the victim, and your loved one will have nothing to do but stand up for the former partner. So if you want him or her to realize how badly they have been treated, this is an unfortunate way that most likely leads to the opposite. The second reason - your words will sound as if your loved one has lived all these years with some unworthy, bad person. And you, by the way, saw everything and were silent.
"Do you have someone?" / "Does he have any?"
What do you want to know with this question? Did a divorce happen because of adultery? If yes, then someone else, if not, then why? Divorce never happens only because of adultery, even if it was. It happens because people irreversibly distanced themselves from each other, because someone did not fulfill the agreement and was not ready to take responsibility, or because one of the partners changed and wanted something different from the relationship, and the second I could not provide this. Treason is usually a side effect of these processes, but not their cause. If you are close enough, then soon you will learn the details. However, even if it is not very likely, you will soon find out from someone anyway. But for now, please keep your curiosity with you.
Sometimes this question is asked by people who are confident that life in a pair is the only possible option, and after parting with a partner, it is urgent to find a new one. With this question, they are concerned about whether their friend or close one has arranged his life. However, a full-fledged residence of a divorce with a good deal is a year or two. Of course, this is very individual - but the time limit will be considerable anyway. So if your boyfriend or girlfriend didn’t get a “backup option” beforehand, until he wants to go on dates and think about his personal life in general, this doesn’t mean that he or she has something wrong. On the contrary, it is quite a healthy option for living a gap: let yourself be saddened and “digest” the experience you have gained.
"And on what / where will you live now?"
On a scale of rudeness, this issue is close to a hundred points out of a hundred. Well, by eighty, if you ask him well-meaning, for example, you were going to offer help. If you were not going to do this, make an effort and say nothing. If you have noble intentions, it is still better to choose a different wording, because this sounds demeaning. You show a person that you do not consider him able to cope with household problems on his own, but at the same time you ask the question about money in the forehead, which is considered indecent in our society. For some reason, many people think that it is not applicable to divorced people - they say that the situation is extreme, so you can ask anything. No, not worth it.
"Here are fools, then you will regret" / "Why then marry at all?"
One hundred out of a hundred on the rudeness scale. These comments are one of the worst that can be heard by divorcing people. “Destroy your life for yourself”, “You will regret, but you will not return”, “Something to you is not worth the queue of brides (grooms), think ten times” and other pearls of popular wisdom. There are also softer options, which in fact are not much different from others - frustrated exclamations: "Oh, why are you so ..." (here I want to substitute "screwed up", and this is not an accident).
A person who says this is hard to come up with an excuse. He cannot cope with his own feelings about the news, which does not directly concern him (it directly affects only divorcing children and their children, if any). At best, those who utter these words want to say how disappointed and sad they are - but they do not cope with this task. But at the same time, unfortunately, do not miss the opportunity to feel better at someone else's expense. It is important to understand that "Why are you so?" - this is not a question at all. This is a form of humiliation. She does not suggest a good answer. She does not suggest an answer at all: the questioner may shrug or start making excuses, but he has already been made to understand that he is somewhat worse than the questioner.
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