What is the secret of sex appeal?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. Therefore, we asked a professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
Why do some people sexually attract us and cause no emotions to others?
Sometimes we are lucky, and next is a beautiful, reliable, intelligent and caring partner. And even mom likes him, and it would seem that you can live with him until the end of your days, but there is a problem - he doesn’t excite at all. But any other, losing the first in all respects, even at a distance awakens an incredible sexual appetite. What is the problem? Why are we drawn to some people and absolutely not excited by others?
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
What stereotypes first come to mind when we talk about the night of love? Perhaps this is a bed lined with rose petals, candles placed in all corners, a bath filled with foam, or similar romantic pictures. Perhaps this is the image formed in us by Hollywood films, or tons of romantic adventure literature read in childhood. In order to match this image, the consciousness, driven into such a framework, is trying to find a match - a responsible caring young man, precisely one who is ready to prepare so touchingly, throwing all these petals and placing candles. In love, we want romance, and this is undoubtedly wonderful. But sometimes it turns out a strange story that we deceive ourselves with fairy tales from a book, choosing a prince on a white horse, and in fact we dream of a warrior on a bay mare.
If you trace which hormone is released when falling in love, especially at the initial stage, when all thoughts are occupied by only one person and the air around is trembling, this is dopamine. Dopamine is also released when something crazy, unexpected, mysterious, tickling nerves occur. This, of course, does not mean that by dragging the fearful height of the beloved onto the Ferris wheel, we will achieve reciprocity. By the way, such an experiment was carried out, and the result showed that we do not choose with whom exactly this dopamine release will bring us closer. However, in general, the idea is such that for the birth of that most insane feeling in combination with desire, all sorts of surprises and a sense of unpredictability, detachment from reality contribute. All these conditions contribute to sexual desire. If everything went according to plan, sex took place and, hopefully, everyone experienced an orgasm, oxytocin was released during orgasm, which causes a feeling of trust, reduces anxiety and contributes to the formation of affection for the partner. In approximately this natural way, a pair is formed, in which, along with love and affection, sexual attraction is also present.
But if you go back to your teenage dreams with rose petals, you get a completely different ending. In these relations there is no drama and mystery, everything is initially built on care and trust. From the point of view of long-term relationships, this all seems to sound good. The conscious choice of a person without unnecessary emotions, fashionable, beautiful, possessing all the qualities of a prince ... but predictable. If we are talking about a couple that is not very worried about sex, or maybe even asexuals, then it remains only to rejoice at how everything worked out perfectly. But if we are talking about people with sexual desires and aspirations, then at least at first glance it does not look very good.
Opening new facets both in oneself and in a partner, one can open new spaces for attraction
Tell me, have you ever been excited when someone told you that he was attached to you? Or what needs you? Or is it cozy, warm and comfortable with you, for example? From such words you want to lie sweetly, hugging in front of the TV, but not to have sex at all. Because of this, sometimes there are situations where it feels like happiness, at home, but I want sex somewhere not here. However, it is never too late to try to find the unknown in who is not so excitingly reliable.
Sexologist Esther Perel conducted a survey in 20 different countries among couples in long-term relationships. She tried to find out what is again able to arouse a desire towards people with whom we have been used to for a long time. And she received three groups of answers. The first group answered that they are most attracted to a partner during separation, when he is far away, you can dream about him and when then they meet again. The second group noted that they again have a passion for a partner at the moment when they manage to look at him from a distance, especially if he is in his element, works in a studio or shines on stage, communicates with other people at a party, when he is attracted to him other people - when he is independent and does not need any support. And the third group talked about what attracts them to a partner when, when discussing something, they laugh together. But the most important thing in sexual desire is a sense of novelty. Opening new facets both in oneself and in a partner, one can open new spaces for attraction. It is important not to forget that, in addition to reality, the human brain is still capable of fantasy - if a person is able to experience attraction and get an orgasm alone with himself, can he not discover something new with a loved one?
Returning to the very experiment with dopamine, when a man tried to create a thrill for the lady, but they finally caused an attraction not to him, we can say one thing. If we chose a nice life for ourselves, in a cozy house with an ideal man, it is not at all the fact that we can choose to be attracted to him, no matter how beautiful he is and no matter how hard we try.