In one river: Different people about how they returned to their former partners

Spend a lifetime with one person or at least several years. - This is a serious decision, as well as an attempt to part with it. But instead of moving on after parting, many decide to start a relationship with a former partner from scratch. Sometimes after this, relations go to a new level, sometimes both, on the contrary, understand that it is better for them to separate from each other. We learned from different people why they ended up, and then resumed relations with the same partner, and most importantly - what came of it.

The reason for our separation is banal: the husband has another woman and he told me that he was leaving. Despite the fact that it was like a bolt from the blue, I behaved very soberly, without scandals and with my head held high. The reasons for this situation to arise, for my part, were also - I do not condone the betrayal, but only talking about some prerequisites. I worked, and in the evenings and on Saturdays I studied, I was not always at home - unlike a career, I did not put an effort on my family.

The husband moved not to his mistress, but to his parents in order to understand himself. At that time, we already had a child, I did not interfere with his communication with his father. At the same time, she made it clear that a common child is not a reason to save a family if there are no feelings. Moreover, after a few months she offered to divorce. But the husband began to come more often, to stay longer, and after a while he came with flowers and apologies to stay. And stayed.

In such cases, it cannot be smooth right away, and for a while this situation was a background in our relations: he tried too hard, I suspected him. But the relationship went to another level, as if it was a new romance. We met at the institute and, not having time to grow up, did not really appreciate what we have - after the break everyone fully realized what his partner means to him.

The gap with my husband was a huge impetus for me to reach my potential and increase self-esteem, and to start working on myself as a whole. I was so out of my comfort zone that an internal restart occurred. I stopped seeing my relationship with my husband as something that goes without saying. She has become much more self-confident, but also more relaxed. With all the complexity of what I experienced (suffice it to say that I lost ten kilograms of weight in a few months), I was able to find a balance between the desire to preserve my family and self-esteem.

More than ten years have passed. We have two beautiful children, many common interests, and I have never regretted how qualitatively our relations have changed. I do not know how they would be, do not be the very shake. I want to believe that we will carry our feelings to each other in the form in which they are now. But I will no longer build anything into an absolute.

We met a year and a half, lived together. But all the time something seemed wrong to me - I could not achieve closeness and the understanding I always wanted. Once, when quarrels were heated and there were more of them than pleasant moments, I packed up and left. He continued to care for some time, tried to return everything, but it seemed to me senseless, and I began a different relationship.

Comeback initiated both. After a year and a half from the moment of separation, we accidentally crossed (although it later turned out that it was not by chance - he knew that I would be there), I was very pleased to see him again. I felt tenderness, kinship, desire to communicate. I called after that, and it all started again.

We got married, but problems with intimacy and understanding arose again. And they became sharper when I got pregnant. We began to go on family therapy, which changed the communication for the better, but did not make us "consonant". Now I do not know if we will stay together. I remember our partings and the wedding day, on which I was not happy, and I think: "What moved me?" For a long time, we are faced with the question of divorce, but everything is complicated by the presence of a child, whom we both love endlessly.

We were together for five years while we were at university, and we parted on my initiative. It seemed to me that the feelings are not the same as we are still too young to be “forever”. But the key point was that I did not like what he was doing. He didn’t have a favorite job and a professional goal - although when we met, he was: he wanted to be a journalist, just like me. It seemed to me a perfect union. And then he went farther and farther from it, worked just for the money. And he is very conservative in sex, but I wanted to try a lot. We broke up.

But communication did not stop. At first he helped me with the move. There was a period when we just had sex. He called me in a strong drunk, then I told him. He gave me flowers, we had dinner together, I celebrated his birthday with him. One month we did not communicate, and the next almost lived together. So a year has passed.

Then I got another man. I healed with new sensations, but my previous partner constantly made itself felt, called, came at night. I was not against it - but then he found out that I have another one and disappeared for a long time. Six months later, the relationship with the other ended. Sometimes I got lonely, and I called my ex. I wanted to break off these relations, but at the same time I myself constantly renewed them. I understood that it was a weakness, but it was comfortable and good with him. It didn’t work for someone to meet, his personal life didn’t go well without me. So another year went by.

Now, in the third year of this painful connection, we stopped sleeping. I do not want to have sex with him, he periodically helps me out with money. Relations have become friendly. All these years, the question "Or maybe we will be together again?" periodically occurs. I still do not like his work and goals, I want to be close to an enthusiastic person. But at the level of sensations with him comfortable, fun and simple. There are no expectations, many questions disappear, because "nothing binds us." Neither friends nor parents know that we communicate after separation. I am ashamed that I trample on the spot. Our relationship is the last feeling of "love" that we both remember. And there is no certainty that personal life will develop somehow else. But to come together again is a hundred steps back in the life of everyone. I think to address this problem to the therapist.

We went three times - a maximum of a month. There were no specific reasons like treason or violence. Most likely, it was just the result of a strong quarrel, momentary emotions, and not a real desire. I think it was in our psychological immaturity and inability to survive difficult moments in everyone’s life. Failures at work, with friends and parents poison the life of a person, and he poison the life of the closest. Of course, unconsciously: after all, here you lived alone, and then another character appeared next to him with his character and opinion. To accept it completely, sometimes you have to break something in yourself.

As a result, we began to accept each other as they are, and not to alter them for themselves. First you need to take care of yourself. You can ask, explain, but do it gently, without requiring anything. If a man responds to the request - great. Well, if not, then the separation will be the best outcome for both. The main thing is to keep the balance: think about the partner and remain yourself. And this attitude should be from two sides, the only way it works.

In our case, the rule “in the same river twice ...” works, but for this you need a mutual desire, the ability to comprehend, analyze and criticize your behavior. Find a man with whom it will be comfortable all the time, it is extremely difficult, and this finding must be cherished. But nobody belongs to anyone. Anything can happen in life, that is, we can break up. We must enjoy, if in a relationship now everything is fine. And if there is any straining, it is better to be alone in the day to get bored and return to your beloved, curl up and rest.

We broke up, because none of us was ready for the next step, which meant getting to know the parents, a wedding, a photo album to remember and family planning in a notebook. More precisely, I thought I was ready, but it was not true. The initiator of the separation was she. I suggested to resume the relationship. Well, she is a bit - now it is difficult to remember who had any roles. I at that moment even met with another girl. But in the end we agreed again, four years later. Apparently, the time has come.

Absolutely no one thought that everything would go on the plane of serious relations. We thought: "We are cool together. Let it be so, there is no need to burden yourself with some promises." But after three months, we came together, and after another one and a half I proposed to her. It was the most spontaneous and reckless decision in my life, which I have no regrets. And she, to my great surprise, agreed without hesitation. Now we have two children. Relationships have definitely changed for the better. We just became more mature, more experienced. This helps to avoid sharp corners in disputes and helps to be more attentive to your neighbor.

We met five years ago. He is handsome, with good taste, shares important values ​​for me, knows how to apply himself - next to him you feel like in an instagram about someone's beautiful life. Fell in love, have a great time. But after a month and a half, everything changed: he could forget to call back, did not make plans with me, spent the evenings as convenient for him, wrote to me only when there were no more other things to do. For me, this very quickly caused rejection and hostility, and I told him: "Fuck you." And he replied: "Ok."

For two years, he occasionally appeared hinting at sex. Periodically it was a success. During this time I have already got used to perceive him as a frivolous option for entertainment, when it’s very sad and there are no other men. Once again, we met after big life shocks - so it was. Began to see each other regularly and have sex. Communication distracted from experiences on other fronts. Once I said: "Why do we need relationships at all? So much energy is spent on this, and everyone always ends up with nervous diseases, with the exception of some lucky ones. Children can be made like that. Why should we live together for this?" In fact, I don’t think so, and then I didn’t think, I was simply exhausted by other unfortunate relationships. But he was impressed - he relaxed. Apparently, the fear passed that they want something from him and claim something. All that remains is the pleasure of communicating with a long time acquaintance, a loved one - at that time he needed just such support. After that, I felt that he was actually a family man in his heart, that for him all this was insanely touching and valuable, so he was simply afraid to let anyone near him. And this superficial "pofigizm" at the beginning of our acquaintance was a defensive reaction of a very closed person.

As a result, we had a relationship that no one called a relationship. Six months later, he confessed his love to me, and now we have been together for three years. It would be a beautiful story, but I already understood that there are no miraculous transformations in reality. Today we have all the same problems that we had five years ago. Mostly, I critically lack his participation in my life, he behaves selfishly. We do not even live together, because he is satisfied with everything as it is - it is more convenient and a minimum of responsibility. The problem is that he does not have a healthy family pattern. Therefore, for him the concept of family care is to give money or to bring medicine at night, if necessary. Minimum emotionality and no joint development. I see that he is trying to understand me, is suffering, discussing our problems. Yes, he always primchitsya, if I feel bad, but he is not there when it can be good. I know that he loves me. But he is not ready to change anything in himself. As a friend told me: "If you doubt, you will always doubt. The only way to get away from this is to part." Most likely, this will happen.

We started dating when I was in high school, he just graduated from university. We got married when I was in my second year. Later both of them realized that they got married simply because “they should”: their role was played by both the parents and the installations about the one and only one that were driven in in childhood. Perhaps that is why everything went farther out differently than "they lived happily ever after." Before the wedding, we rented an apartment, which we literally moved to the first wedding night, each from its parents. We did not have the experience of living together. All the bumps we stuffed in the course of the marriage plot. Domestic issues have been resolved, but it was impossible to recognize that it was necessary to take into account the opinion of the partner. Probably, having escaped from the custody of the parents, we both needed to take a sip of freedom, and not to start our own family.

I especially felt these innovations on myself. For example, the husband thought that I should go to work, in parallel, get a higher education, or do it on holidays. I wanted to finish my studies at university. He also became less attentive than before the wedding. We constantly quarreled. Then the thought came to my mind: "Why does someone decide for me, even if I love someone?" During one of these quarrels, I went to my parents, determined not to return. But my return was not inspired by my parents, they hinted to me that I needed to be more flexible and listen to my husband. Husband asked to return, promised to change. I believed it. About a week he was attentive, caring, as in the first six months of a relationship. Then conflicts and unwillingness to discuss them returned.

After a few years, we finally realized that the relationship was coming apart at the seams. But instead of breaking up, they made a classic mistake - they brought a child. During pregnancy, we really got close and seemed to fall in love again, but the reason for this was my hormonal storm, which subsided after the birth of my son. The husband coped with the role of the father much better than the role of the husband, but I no longer loved him and did not see the point of saving marriage for the sake of the child. When my son was two years old, I enlisted the support of my parents (which was a pleasant surprise), told my husband that I was going to file for divorce, explained the reason. He replied that he loved me and his son, that he would do everything for us, and asked for a year of "probation."

Honestly, I do not know where exactly this period came from and why I agreed. Probably afraid of the unknown and the stigma of "single mother". The funny thing is that from that year it was enough again only for the first week. But I honestly "rewound" the allotted time, after which, with a clear conscience, I filed for divorce and moved with my son to my parents. Another two years after that, her ex-husband was trying to get me back. But I already realized that being a single mother and in a divorce is not at all scary, I invented all the fears myself. Now I still enjoy the newfound freedom. The ex-husband has a permanent relationship, but he periodically hints at family reunification. I shudder and think that even if we remain the last people on Earth and the future of humanity will depend on us, evolution will have to begin again from bacteria. Perhaps the only thing I regret is a lost year.

We were introduced to friends on holiday in Bulgaria seven years ago. When the vacation ended, we decided to continue, although we studied in different cities: I am in Moscow, she is in St. Petersburg. We tried to maintain relationships, to go to each other, but we only had enough for three months, and we broke up.

I met another girl, whom I later met. Three years ago we broke up, and I went to Sakhalin's parents for the New Year holidays. In the same place I met a friend who introduced us in Bulgaria to that girl from St. Petersburg. I learned from him that she broke up with a partner with whom she was almost four years old. I asked him to give her my number and say that if she gets bored, let me write. We started talking again, but still lived in different cities. We saw on weekends in Moscow or St. Petersburg, but both understood that this was not an option. She had long wanted to change her specialty and move - and she did, finding a new job and an apartment in Moscow. Six months later we came together. We are together for two and a half years, now everything is fine. I often fly on business trips, but for us it is not a problem, because now we live together.

We met when I was twenty-one, he was twenty-eight. Everything was very romantic, we quickly had a trusting relationship, we confessed our love, and everything seemed to be fine. At this time, I began to really work hard, and the young man’s earnings, on the contrary, declined, he moved to his parents. I, a child of stereotypes, watched moderately wealthy and successful husbands of my girlfriends, and suffered because I have nothing to brag about. The young man felt my displeasure, we began to swear on trifles. At the heart of the clashes lay our uncertainty about our own financial solvency, the disproportion of my desires and his possibilities. Saying out loud that we are parting two years after they met, he dared. In spite of the fact that the last weeks the apprehension of parting was hanging in the air, I could not believe it and asked my parents to pinch me in order to understand - this is not a dream.

After parting, we called up, joked. It was difficult once and for all to refuse to communicate. В это время он пытался прокормить себя, а я затыкала эмоциональные дыры тиндер-свиданиями. Все кавалеры были интересными и умными, хотя и недотягивали до того, к чему я привыкла. Спустя семь месяцев в очередном разговоре - он состоялся у меня на работе - я сообщила, что встречаюсь с другим. Кажется, он выбежал из моего кабинета чуть ли не со слезами на глазах. И через день явился ко мне с похожей новостью.At that moment I felt blood boil in me: I instantly realized that this was the man whom I would not share with anyone. We walked to the park and said, probably the most difficult and unexpected in this situation: that we love each other.

It took us a couple more weeks to get used to this thought and analyze how to deal with our feelings correctly so as not to break the wood again. Our meetings resembled negotiations in which all non-standard situations and sanctions for violations are prescribed. We started by setting a goal that we didn’t have before - to grow together both in work and in relationships, enlisted the support of each other, again remembered respect - this is the very foundation that we failed. It was important to tell each other what we expect from a partner. I need care, a sense of confidence and the ability to feed my family, he needs inspiration and support from me.

After the comeback a little more than a year has passed - we are still learning how to do all of the above. But the most important thing that I realized for myself: stereotypes - fight. It is necessary to accept the fact that life regularly turns to us one side or the other. We both understand that earnings are an investment in our development and quality of life. The fact that these values ​​coincide allows us to be happy next to each other.

Photo: excaliburmedia - stock.adobe.com, Bonpoint, Amazon

Watch the video: They Return - Flow Like a River, Pisces! March 2019 (November 2024).