"The more I learned, the more I was afraid": Women about childbirth at different ages
In Russia, many are still convinced that it is better to give birth to the first child as soon as possible - and after thirty the woman irreversibly becomes "old-born". As a result, women of almost any age feel that they give birth at the wrong time, tormenting themselves with a question: is it not early at nineteen, is it too late at thirty-one? How would life change if the first child appeared while studying at the institute? How would I feel if I postpone childbirth for later? We asked women who gave birth to children at different ages to talk about the pros and cons.
Pregnancy was a surprise for me: we met with my future husband for three years, but the children have not yet planned. I gave birth at the age of nineteen. Our city is small, so the whole school discussed me. I am a gold medalist, and the teachers were shocked: "How so? Immediately gave birth?" Once I met a teacher on the street, and she told me: "Vika, you are responsible, and here is the situation!" I say: "What is this irresponsible act?" They even wrote to me anonymously: "I got married after aerial flight." At first I was worried, but when I gave birth, it was all over.
At first I was registered in the women's clinic in a big city. The doctor praised me: "Well done, that left the child, and then basically everyone who learns, come to an abortion. Nothing, a good age, bring up." In my city, the gynecologist was still nothing, but an elderly nurse every time I came, said: "Well, who was pulling you at that age? I would study, you need this!" I was embarrassed to answer, I constantly got out of it, I complained to my husband, he comforted. But in general, doctors said that the earlier you give birth, the easier it is for the body to recover.
I was worried about my studies, but my parents said they would help. I study in another city, so it was difficult for a pregnant woman to drive. In April, she passed the session ahead of time, in May she gave birth to a son. Until September, I sat at home, and then went to class - to the second course. My grandmothers were with the child: I have a young mother, and my husband too - they gave birth to us at the age of twenty. I got up in the morning, decanted milk and went to the university, then came home, worked on my son, and when he fell asleep, she sat down for lessons.
I like that when my son is twenty, I will be forty. This is also a plus - I will be on the same wavelength with the child. I used to think that I was about twenty-three years old. Now I am twenty-three, and I can say that there is no difference - that now would give birth, that in twenty.
Neither twenty, nor twenty-three, nor twenty-five, I did not want a child. My husband and I were married a few years before we first started talking about the little one - and that was a long-term plan. We traveled a lot, spent time with friends, worked. I understood that I wanted to achieve something now, and not once after a maternity leave. It seemed that a decree at a young age was like putting the brake on a train rushing forward.
For the first time I seriously thought about a child at the age of 28-29. We discussed this with my husband, made a list of cases and began to prepare - for example, we stopped using alcohol and junk food. I realized that I was ripe for this decision, I want a child, I can give him something. For me, this “giving” was the key moment in choosing when to give birth: the matter is not even in material things, but in some kind of experience, knowledge. I want to tell my daughter about the books I read, the countries I have seen, to explain things to her. It seems to me that in twenty years I would not be able to do this.
Pregnancy went well, and even in the antenatal clinic I was never hinted that we were “waiting for so long” - although I heard this constantly outside the clinic, especially from my husband’s relatives. At the end of the term there were some minor problems, but I think every woman has them. It was more difficult with the psychological state - due to the fact that by thirty I already knew and saw a lot, I was constantly overwhelmed with fears: that if the probability of Down syndrome in a child is high, why does the stomach pull, and what if something is wrong with the baby? And so all nine months: the more I read and learned, the more I was afraid. For some reason it seems to me that if I had given birth at the age of twenty, he would not exist at all - after all, everything would be easier to treat.
Of course, I think about age: there will be twenty daughters - I'm fifty, she's thirty - I'm sixty. Will I be able to help her with education - and with everything else? But if I had the opportunity to rewind the time back, I would still do the same.
The first time I was married at twenty-seven, my husband and I had known each other since the age of fourteen. I was not against children, but the spouse built a career, so we did not plan a child. The bell rang when I was thirty-one. I said, "I am already thirty, let's move in the direction of the children." This was not our first conversation on this topic: we have already discussed what is “necessary.” And they seemed to agree, but everything ended much more banal than I expected: my husband cheated on me. We divorced, and after a while I met my second husband. They began to meet, and after three months he said: "I really want a child from you." I replied: "Do you realize that this is responsibility?" He replied: "Yes, I want a family."
I got pregnant (by the way, there were no problems for nine months), and everyone was surprised. Nobody knows the internal politics of relations - they think that something is wrong with a woman or a man, since a child appears at that age. I remember when I was in the hospital, a midwife came to our ward and showed me what to do with the newborns. Then I took my son and started spinning over the sink when I was washing. Then the mothers, who also gave birth to children for the first time, began to say: "Ol, what are you doing? Do not you feel sorry for him?" I replied: "We were told that they could be turned like this!" This little story shows the advantages of motherhood at a conscious age - I was not afraid of anything. Snot, rash, sick - no problem at all. But perhaps it depends on the person.
If we talk about career, then I never built it - only under the pressure of the first husband. True, to say that I did not want to break out somewhere, I can not - worked as an administrator and manager. After the divorce, I went back to my favorite work, and now I work as a beauty consultant at TSUM. About cons: I no longer have emotionality and youthful immediacy - I am too adult. Yes, I can play, fooling around with a child, but the internal energy is not the same. And, of course, the accumulated fatigue: before labor I worked for fifteen years - the body is exhausted. Plus, a makeup consultant is always on her feet, and this is varicose veins. And the back hurts.
Mom gave birth to me in forty-one years without any problems. But I understand that she could not give me much: first she worked, and then she retired, and I had to earn myself. It was a hard time. I gave birth at thirty-four, but I understand that when you are fifty years old, and your child is sixteen, this is a retirement milestone - and the son is not even at the institute. How much should I do to give something to a child? And I want to give him a lot.
The birth of a child was a conscious decision, I wanted children all my life. I am a professional dancer and until recently was the soloist of Valery Leontyev's ballet "Dangerous Liaisons", I constantly went on tour. She came back home to her exhausted husband, he also had stress at work, so the child didn’t work out right away - she had to wait eleven years for her daughter to be born. Two or three years before the birth, I left work, calmed down, let go of the situation - and two stripes appeared on the test. I had a great pregnancy. There was no toxicosis, no edema either, I did not feel fears and loss of space. I think I bloomed.
Of course, if you plan a child as an adult, then you need to try to look after yourself, because the child grows and we grow old. Minus late conception - a big difference in age. Even if you are raising a child correctly, putting family values and respect for your family in his head, he still experiences pressure - for example, from classmates. The child begins to be ashamed of parents in adulthood. I know such a family: mom and dad brought the boy to the corner of the school, and he said that he didn’t need any further - because of their age. I try to keep myself in shape so that I look good by the age of 50-60. And yet - if your child decides to give birth late, then you most likely will not wait for your grandchildren.
In addition, giving birth to a child at that age, then it is extremely difficult to get a good job - all the more in my profession. Everything that is possible, I took from my business, and thought that the child would serve as an extra motivation to do something else in life. It seems to me that at eighteen you look at many moments through your fingers. Closer to thirty you took place, you understand the taste of life, you begin to properly raise a child. And when you are over forty - you not only took place, but lived a large segment of life, your own philosophy and wisdom appeared. Therefore, I am now looking for ways, moves that I need, and not those that my grandmother or mom says on the street. I myself decide how I can build a relationship with a child, because I understand myself, my role and responsibility.
The birth of the first child was an absolutely natural step: I did not get pregnant by accident, we wanted a child. It was the beginning of the nineties, and then they looked at everything differently - I was literally asked from the wedding: "Well, when?" The pregnancy was hard, but then the doctors did not treat women as they do now: they did not intimidate, they rather cooperated. With the second child they said: "He may have congenital pathologies, such an analysis must be done, sakoy." And it was not because of age. At twenty it seemed to me that the child was the main thing in life. Despite the fact that I did not experience any maternal feelings with my first daughter, Ira, I loved her, practiced her, but I did not have the sensation of motherhood. Feelings turned on when I gave birth to my second child, Light, - feelings for her and Ira.
Ira was happy to take her grandmother: when I gave birth to her, one was forty-two years old, the second - forty-four. Daughter was everywhere perceived as joy - for them it was such a second child. And with Ira it was easier for me physically: with Sveta, my back hurt, and even it was hard to imagine how I, with her little one, would go somewhere. And I already had a car, a child seat, comfortable strollers. And with the first daughter I went to my mother on a trolley bus with a transfer. In young parenthood, this lightness is good, which we pass on to children, - but when you gave birth to your second child at thirty-two, you become a young mother again. And this is also a plus.
In addition, in his youth there is no heavy thoughts. I knew that now Ira will go to school, go to college, will find herself further, and everything will be fine. Actually, that's what happened. And with Sveta, I thought that the world was different, an iron curtain would appear in the country, she would not be able to get a good education and if she wanted to go abroad. Although the elder, too, were fears - especially in adolescence.
I discuss everything with Ira. I remember as a child they somehow walked with a girlfriend and giggled. I asked what it was. "We wanted to know ..." - "Do not say, do not say, it's mom." Moe specifies: "We wanted to ask about the condom." And I answer: "I'll tell you everything now!" Ira always got everything from me. And now I ask her: "You would have talked with Sveta". It seems to me that she will explain everything better to her, because they are closer in age.
Ira - she is twenty-five - now says: "Mom, children are not interested in me. I have a career, growth, we need three weeks in a mortgage. Why give birth to them?" I do not know what to say to her, so I say: "This is an invaluable experience."
Photo: Africa Studio - stock.adobe.com, Party City (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)