Why the advice "Calm down" does not work?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
Why the advice "Calm down" does not work?
At least once in the heat of an argument, each of us was advised to calm down, and surely this request caused an even greater bout of anger and despair than any insult. Finding out relationships in such a situation is guaranteed to come to a standstill. Why does this harmless advice hurt us so much?
When a person demands peace from the other, this, on the one hand, implies a total lack of empathy, and on the other, unwillingness and unwillingness to understand and perceive someone else’s emotions in principle. That is something in the spirit of "I do not care, but be kind, behave yourself." Accordingly, the opponent to whom it is said feels unheard and unnecessary. His point of view, his opinion and emotions depreciate, forcing him to regress to the state of a child who is not in control of the situation (you are too small, stupid and ridiculous to understand at least something). “Calm down” is a dead end, a barrier, a denial of dialogue and domination, an announcement of one’s superiority.
The fact is that if someone basically declares this “calm down,” then he is most likely not ready for dialogue. From the point of view of power, these are not horizontal relations, but vertical ones. At this particular point, the continuation of the dialogue is basically impossible. And this is if we still mean that the person who is presented with this demand is, in principle, calm. There is still the possibility that he is really hysterical, or screaming, or overly emotional.
But be that as it may, the presentation of such demands to a person is a violation of his boundaries. If a person since childhood has become accustomed to avoiding conflicts, smoothing corners, he will prefer to fulfill the requirement and suppress irritation. A normal person with intact reactions will not a priori suppress his anger and irritation, he will defend his personality.