"I pull out my hand when they want to take me for it": Different people about the fear of intimacy
At the fear of closeness, there are MOST DIFFERENT REASONS. Someone he comes from childhood, others avoid emotional and physical contact - and this is their defensive reaction to the traumatic experience of past relationships. Someone decides to work out negative attitudes with the therapist, others try to deal with the problem themselves, others prefer, in principle, to abandon the relationship. We learned from women and men with fear of intimacy what they were doing.
It is worth saying that I did not speak about the problem with the psychologist: it is difficult for me to trust someone and the reasoning alone with myself turns out to be the most honest. Of course, this is also a fear of intimacy. At the same time, I strive for emotional intimacy and hard to experience possible loneliness. But as soon as I get this intimacy, something snaps in me, and I start to get annoyed, to be emotionally cold and alienated. In communication, I am overly demanding and non-flexible in relation to the doorposts, I hide the details of my personal life and my history (for example, I change names or something to keep back).
I read a lot about attachment formation and I know that her disorder is a reaction to the lack of stable and secure relationships with parents in the early period of development. Because of this, it is difficult for me to judge the underlying causes of my fear. From what I remember when I became older, mother rather overly and obsessively loved me and violated borders with care, and I resisted with all my might.
Usually I prefer to stay apart, to enter into only frivolous and short-term relationships. But now in my life there is a wonderful girl, we have known each other for more than ten years, and she became my close friend. We both understand that we love each other and could be a great couple, but because of my peculiarity, I don’t take this step: I’m afraid to get into a rut of denying behavior and lose not only romantic relationships, but also a long friendship. Probably, I would have made a familiar reversal a long time ago, but she treats my feelings very carefully: she does not press, does not impose the development of relations, but simply speaks to me and respects my borders. She showed me that I can relax, that openness and trust do not threaten me with anything, and crept closer to me than anyone else.
I try to move towards mutual trust: I started talking with people not only about my problems with affection, but also about feelings, fears, the past. At these moments I feel an obsessive desire to get off the topic, confuse the facts, but I continue to say it as it is and gradually I feel that the tension subsides, and the empathy and trust in the interlocutor is growing.
My fear of closeness is connected with my father. When I was a teenager, he did not recognize my girlfriends and the boys who cared for me. Often he pretended not to remember their names, gave scornful nicknames. Somehow I brought him a gift from a school trip, and he forgot that it was me, and he complained to my mom, they say, they will give me the same garbage. Then he warned me against early marriage, he said that he would get to know each other only if we decided to get married for sure. In fact, he is a pleasant, cheerful man, it all slipped between things, but a spoon is going drop by drop.
I realized that I have a fear of intimacy, after one story. Everything was fine: we saw off the sunsets, walked around the night Petersburg, talked a lot. But at some point, the experience became too much, I began to think about a possible future, to catch myself thinking that not everything suits me. And decided to distinguish what is happening. She offered her companion just sex: no emotion, no affection, joint campaigns somewhere and, of course, no gifts. He was confused, but he agreed. And I felt comfortable. We had information about the absence of sexually transmitted diseases, the agreement not to sleep with someone else and a lot of sex. We went to me, had enchanting sex, drank tea, then he left for the other end of the city, and I went to bed. At times, after his departure, I sobbed, but still it was calmer. Once I decided to try to get close. On the eve of his birthday, I came to him in the middle of the night in a coat on a naked body. He asked why I had come, and asked me to go to bed. The next morning I gathered and left, he did not interfere. We never spoke again.
Having sex is much easier for me than to achieve emotional intimacy. Maybe that's why I like sex parties. They are all relaxed and conditionally close, but at the same time, no one climbs into the soul. Not particularly active, but I try to overcome fear. First, I have a friend with whom we can talk about it. I learn to trust him and be frank. Our friendship lasts for more than three years, we calmly talk about sex, but I only included songs from my library with him recently - it was a step. Perhaps the topic of sex for me was a defensive reaction. Sex itself happens to me not at all as often as talking about it.
The second moment is tinder. When I drink, I take courage and offer to meet several people. The problem is that they answer the next day, I get scared, I put off the phone. True, somehow I drank again and still made an appointment. We just had a nice chat. Now I prefer to be alone. I am happy and afraid of intimacy - this is to some extent a choice. But I do not exclude that in the future I can build a strong bond with someone.
I had almost no friends at school. I was an outcast - they did not mock me, but tried to ignore them. Perhaps that is why I often have difficulty in communicating with people. I have a narrow circle of friends, it’s hard for me to let new acquaintances come to me, and I spend a lot of energy on personal conversations. On the other hand, I do not feel discomfort when I drive my own channel on YouTube. Sitting in front of the camera lens, I feel that I am talking to thousands of subscribers, and I receive from it the necessary charge of social interactions.
The other side of intimacy is a relationship with a person whom you love or are attracted to. In gays, this is often accompanied by the need not only to overcome barriers in the process of communication with the object of sympathy. Many representatives of LGBT + are forced to hide their relationship from others. I made a coming out in front of my family and friends quite early, so there were almost no problems with accepting.
Pretty heavy emotional wounds in me left the first serious relationship that lasted more than three years. We had a hard parting, after which I couldn’t let anyone in for a long time, afraid to go through an emotional meat grinder again. I met my current husband in the spring of 2015. He found me through a video coming out on youtube. A few months later, I suddenly realized what was going on, and abruptly pushed him away from myself, saying that everything was happening too quickly.
In the end, after two months of “friendship” and hiding, we came together, and two years later we were married in New York. Now we live happily in the USA. None of this would have happened if one day I did not realize that if I sit in my shell and fear events that may or may not happen, life will quickly sweep past you and you will be alone without memories, experience and people dear to you .
I didn’t realize that I have a fear of intimacy, on the contrary, I really wanted a serious relationship, and quickly. But they didn’t add up at all, for some reason I didn’t move further than a few dates and was very worried about it. Now I understand that a keen desire to enter into a relationship was based on the fear of loneliness. Because of him, I wanted to completely merge with another person, and if there was no barrier to intimacy, I could attract someone who would have done it with pleasure. But it would hardly be a story about happiness and love. In this case, with friends, I always built a deep relationship, there was no fear - it extended only to men.
With the query "about the difficulties in the relationship," I went to psychotherapy. It was explained to me that the fear of loneliness is due to my parents' installation — happiness in merging with another person, and one will definitely be bad — which they broadcast to me. The fear of closeness also came from the family, we had a ban on expressing feelings, especially if they are complex and strong. I could not open up and express myself in the circle of my relatives - as a result, it was difficult for me to show young people my sympathy, to talk about feelings. And this is a necessary element of the relationship. The fear of intimacy also manifested itself in the intimate sphere. In childhood, my parents very much criticized my body. Later it became scary to undress in front of a man - so I either avoided sex or drowned out an internal critic with alcohol.
The realization that all this has come from the past allows us to leave it there. My family gave me what she had. They could not teach me what they do not know how - and I treat them with understanding and love. Then I realized that I can learn new patterns of behavior. At first I learned to express feelings and not to be afraid of it, I learned to accept other people. I worked out the fear that they might reject me: it turned out that this was not the end of the world, this does not mean that I am bad and unworthy. It only means that we do not fit together. I learned to open up, fell in love with myself and assumed my body. The fear of loneliness is also worked out, because first you need to learn how to enjoy yourself.
Now I do not have a serious relationship. But the situation is fundamentally different from the one that was three years ago. I easily get to know each other, talk about my interests, sympathies and deepest feelings, and do not feel shy about myself. I am calm, and as soon as the right person meets, I will easily let him into my life.
Like many injuries, my fear of intimacy comes from childhood. I had very strict parents, and their demands were often unpredictable. So I learned not to trust. I could not lie, so I was secretive. This was transferred to communication with peers. I did not want to reveal myself: the less they know about you, the less vulnerable you are.
When I was sixteen, my father died suddenly. The man who was always considered the strongest from the disease died away. I never cried, but it put me off balance. I realized that in order not to falter next time, you need to be prepared for the fact that no close person will become - or all at once. That's about what happened. Within six months, I moved to the capital, a new life swept over me, I abandoned old social ties. In not having attachments, I began to feel the power.
With girls a long relationship did not develop. After another setback, I created a project that swept over me. I didn’t want to waste time on intimacy, it was more interesting to engage in self-development. I even stopped trying, replaced close relationships with a lot of superficial connections. "Anyway, couples disagree, so why waste time?" - I thought. I saw how I liked some girls, and it was hard for me that I could not reciprocate. I really wanted to let them know that the problem was not at all in them, but I didn’t have the right words.
This went on for five years, but more and more often I thought that I was missing something big and important. Over time, I had a very close friend. She is also afraid of intimacy, and to some extent thanks to this we were able to become friends. It took a year and a half to build this friendship. I discovered emotional closeness again, but romantic still remained incomprehensible and inaccessible. Then I met a girl with whom I often wanted to communicate and see each other. We approached for a very long time, it took about six months of daily calls for an hour and a half to make us a couple. True, our story did not last long. We had different pictures of the future, but I'm still glad that I found the resource to be with someone together.
The fear of intimacy I almost won: I have a very warm emotional connection with a friend and I am more or less capable of romantic intimacy. I am ready to spend time and energy on this, but I still do not know how to receive energy from it. A few months ago, I began dating a polyamoric girl. I feel comfortable that our relationship is open on her part. The fear of closeness is still there, and the lack of exclusivity in our relationship is precisely the distance I feel comfortable with.
At school, I was a victim of bullying. For a long time I couldn’t let even people who were nice to me into my private space. Not that it seemed to me that I did not deserve a good attitude — but in order to avoid injury, I built a wall around myself. At the same time, I still wanted to communicate, so as a friend I chose people to whom I was interested, and to me they were not really. It turned out that I am not alone, but this is not at all the “adult” sense of friendship that supports and brings joy to both parties. And this is definitely not about intimacy.
My fear of intimacy with men has a different background. Raising boys, parents often encourage them to express themselves. And girls are taught passivity: be wiser, softer, above it, do not go into it, and in general, you are a girl. Even if parents do not say it directly, often such constructs are hung by society. So there is a female and male gender socialization. In my case, this led to the fact that I still do not know what real close relationships are - despite the fact that I have been married for ten years. Every time I got acquainted with a man, I tried to learn more about him, and talk less about myself, because feelings are for girls, and therefore, secondary, uninteresting, and generally, come on, show me your collection of guitars.
I realized the depth of the problem when it turned out that the man with whom I live for a third of my life does not know which books and films I like. He is not particularly interested in it, and I was embarrassed to talk about myself. He's so cool, what if he doesn't like something in me and he rejects me? Of course, this is not about deep relationships. Now I have to deal with this, regain my right to vote and responsibility for the choice. On the other hand, I am glad that I can raise my children so that they feel significant, regardless of gender.
For the first time, a conscious reluctance to build a trusting relationship appeared in my eighth grade, after my best friend had been mean to me. Since then, real friends have been very few. One of them is my ex-wife, whom I have known for almost twenty years. For a long time, she was my closest person and best friend. We tried to build a family on this foundation - but even with it I didn’t open up completely, I was always a little detached. My wife completely trusted me, but I did not justify this trust and left the family. So I realized that if I myself could betray a person who trusted me completely and whom I trusted the most, it means you cannot trust anyone.
Subsequently, this was confirmed by my attempts to build a new relationship. Of course, one can say that the matter complicates my secrecy, that because of it there is no intimacy and intimacy. But it is difficult to explain to a person that I need more time and reasons to trust than just words and a couple of months of hormonal storm. Every time I get confirmation that you can not trust. And the point is not that I am set to fail and it happens. No, there were specific situations - therefore the problem is aggravated.
My fear of intimacy has absorbed a lot: experiences that do not understand me, leave, will hurt. But the main thing is the fear of hurting someone again, failing and not justifying trust. I just do not let me close to me so that there is no reason to come closer. I think this is how I not only defend myself, but also protect my partner. I do not share personal experiences, I do not stay until the morning, I don’t introduce a woman to my friends - such preventive measures.
Because of all this, there was also a fear of physical contact. I am afraid of addiction - not from sexual intercourse, but from a person. Just having sex without an emotional background is physiology and satisfaction of needs, it is simple and scary. When it comes to something bigger, I have signs of a panic attack: palms are sweating, pulse and breathing are increasing, slight weakness and tachycardia appear. The stronger the excitement, the stronger the attack. Even to take someone by the hand or hug - the trigger of this mechanism.
It may also be that I tend to merge completely with my partner and have little idea how it can be different. It's like alcoholism: if I start drinking, then I leave for a binge. Therefore, continuing the metaphor, now I prefer even a rum woman not to smell. Now I am alone, and further loneliness does not frighten me. Intimacy and the subsequent possibility of loss - that's scary.
Fears, complexes and self-doubt were presented to me by the person whom I loved the most. Our love seemed eternal to me - as it happens at a young age. We made plans, every morning we woke up together and went to work. Friends perceived us as one. So half a year has passed. And then my friend and I flew off on a long scheduled vacation for a week and a half. Upon his return, he said that we had to part, he fell in love with another.
This can happen to anyone. And I could infinitely fall in love with someone in another country - but I still became afraid of the following relationships, even friendly ones. It is terrible to lose close people, I don’t want to be revealed to the one who leaves. Да, легко сказать, что все люди разные, доверяй, всё будет ок. Но когда тебя съедает страх быть преданным, покинутым, одиноким, рационально думать сложно. Что если и в следующий раз случится так же или будет ещё хуже?
С момента нашего расставания прошло полгода. This is not the first and not my longest relationship, but for the first time I had such strong and serious feelings. It became harder for me to trust people. Trust yourself - your states, thoughts, stories, time, body in the end. I pull out my hand when they try to take me for it. I turn away if they want to kiss. Avoid meeting with friends, as if hiding personal. Everything needs time. I did not overcome this fear, but maybe a miracle will happen later.
Photo: 100 toys (1, 2, 3, 4)