Big grinding: Couples about how they began to live together and ofigeli
The decision to live together - this is a new stage in the life of any couple, and a serious test: the reality does not always meet expectations (you will not only have to watch a movie under the rug together, but also decide who flushes the toilet or turns off the lights before going to bed), besides sharing space with another a person is difficult in principle - and it is not always possible to reach a compromise. We talked with several heroes about how they began to live with their partners, what they expected from their life together and whether they managed to adapt to each other.
We met my young man in a tinder, after a month of correspondence we had a first date. I rented a room in Moscow, and he - an apartment in the suburbs. Sometimes he stayed with me, sometimes I came for a weekend to him. We realized that we would either dangle here and there, or we would get together and minimize the rental costs (yes, we decided not only with our heart, but also with our mind). He moved in with me, and for half a year we shared a room. The first weeks were the hardest period when we distributed things, got used to each other’s work schedule (it was very different) and that we met much more often than before. So, he found out that I was occupying the whole space with my things, while cooking, I arrange a rout in the kitchen and, in general, I do not pay attention to a small mess. He, on the contrary, tried to optimize everything and follow the rule “from where he took it, go there and return it”. It drove me crazy, but over time I rearranged and got used to it. Breakfast was another stumbling block: when we met, I could get up early and cook a meal for the two of us, when we came together, chose a dream. We fought a bit and decided that we would have breakfast together on the weekend.
In the other room, the landlady first lived, and then she left to study, and a neighbor drove in instead. At some point, the young man and I decided that we were more or less getting along with each other, but we don’t like sharing space with someone else. So after six months, we packed up and moved into an apartment that we have been renting for a year and a half.
When we were moving in, I was very worried that we would quarrel on domestic soil and part or simply bore each other. Everything turned out to be not so bad: yes, there were moments of misunderstanding, but we discussed the problems and came to some kind of solution. I didn’t have to miss either: we love to cook together, watch TV shows, play console. When each of us wants to do our own business, we declare “free time” and disperse on different sides of the apartment. The main thing in living together is to be able to negotiate and give in. Today you will give way, and tomorrow he will give way - and everyone will be happy.
Officially, we met four months after they met. For us, it was rather the circumstances that decided. Our novel was gaining momentum pretty quickly, at this time I was shooting a little odnushku and the last months for the money with difficulty pulling her. My partner shared an apartment for two with a colleague, but after some time they started having domestic differences, and he spent more and more time with me. After a couple of months for the financial convenience of both, we decided to move together. More precisely, my man finally moved to me.
It was easy to adjust, because there was a desire, a period of development of relations. Together we prepared, arranged life, planned finances. It turned out that we are very similar in terms of tastes and lifestyle. Yes, there were petty domestic differences - and in where it is better to buy food, and which yogurt tastes better, and who will wash the dishes. I scolded him for the undescended toilet lid, and he - for my hair in stock. After some time, he came to terms with the number of bottles and jars in the bathroom, we bought a dishwasher, distributed household duties and even took a cat at the shelter.
My partner by his thirty-five years had no experience of living together with a girl. He turned out to be an avid bachelor, accustomed to living in his routine and exclusively for himself. And I wanted care and romance. I demanded attention from him, but he wanted the same. So he had a hard time, and I only needed to be patient, to drop my fantasies about ideal relationships and accept him for what he is. A pleasant discovery for me was European equality in a pair. My man is not afraid to clean, go shopping, cook and even iron clothes. We do not have the concept of "man / woman should / should", we share absolutely all the responsibilities.
As such, we did not have a plan to move in - we just came together. Between the first kiss and the decision to live together, it took several hours or so. That is absolutely the story of American teenagers who are in a fever of love go to Reno and there they sign in a hurry. Early marriage, only without rings and stamps. We clung to each other and did not want to part even for a couple of hours. Actually, this is how it went for the first few months. I remember there was no money at all - I had to choose between a pack of condoms and pizza for dinner - but we had us, and that was enough. Because of this, “moving in” was much easier. We, of course, carefully probed the territory at first, studied the habits and tastes of each other: “Can this be done? And is it?” But as soon as common things appear, it becomes easier to think like “we,” and not like “me and her.”
Accordingly, there were no expectations: both of them had their first serious relationship and we both valued them. And because of this, of course, made mistakes. Each of us did not understand what he wanted to do with his life, and maybe this was the reason why everything began to collapse. At some point she was left without work for a year, and she began to get depressed. It is now I understand what depression is, and when you face it for the first time, you try to convince yourself that everything will pass, it's just a bad mood. "How are you?" - "Fine". Well, normally means fine, back to the bunker.
The danger of minor domestic offenses (conditionally, the salt shaker is not in the right place on the table) is that, although they are small, they tend to accumulate. And at some point we were just very tired from each other. Perhaps they could have dispersed earlier, but the power of habit, inertia and fear of talking about a problem first (it turns out that you seem to be creating a problem) did their job. At some point, it became clear that we exist in the same space, but we no longer live together: different modes of the day, different circles of communication (mutual friends that we had during this time can be counted on the fingers), different perspectives. And so it was impossible to continue.
We met a year when a crucial moment came in our relations. We did not hear each other, did not understand, and even decided to leave. It was summer, I went to China, then to the Caucasus, and we communicated very little. When I returned to Moscow, we phoned and decided to go to the cinema, and then Mitya said that he would have an apartment for a month. That evening we came to his house and began to live together. We talked a lot, and finally saw each other for real. In those days I realized that this is my man and that I want this month to never end, so that we now have breakfast every morning in the company of each other.
After a while we rented our first apartment and moved. Everything was amazing. I love Mitya more than order, so some household trifles like socks on the floor and a dozen mugs on the desktop never irritated me. I do not think that such things are worth it because of them to quarrel or hold loud discussions - should I lower the toilet bowl cover after myself or not. The only sticking point for us was Mitya's dog, because I have a terrible allergy, and the dog has long hair. Now she lives with her relatives, so there are no more problems.
A pleasant surprise for me was that Mitya does not apply to those who believe that domestic affairs are not his area of responsibility. We do almost everything together: we wash, we iron each other’s things, we cook food. The only thing I do more often is probably his favorite pancakes. In general, we are very comfortable with each other for four years already, two of which we are married.
Two years ago, I left the university, interrupted by odd jobs, and didn’t have much idea how to live further - but I had a loved one to whom I had moved without thinking twice. In my opinion, even he was not particularly asking about it: I already had the experience of living together and I didn’t really imagine that it was possible somehow differently. Most likely, the main role in this process was played by my abuzzing habits and a weak idea of prospects. So, it was terrible.
We did not discuss any issues relating to living together - just everyone lived as he used to, and our habits are very different. He learns a lot, he has an endless number of friends who hang out with us regularly (I hate crowds of guests, sorry!), He often went outside, and we didn’t even discuss ideas about money and living together. You can not just go and start living together. Believe me, you have to change your lifestyle one way or another - not only stop throwing socks and start cleaning dishes from the couch area, but also face much more complicated issues. What is your relationship with relatives and friends of a partner? How much privacy do you need? And how much - joint leisure?
After another stupid scandal, we parted, and I rented another accommodation. Now we continue to meet, and - the truth is, everything has become much better! At least at the level of trust and mutual interest, the situation in our relations has become much more pleasant. For me, this story is extremely useful. I gave up my belief that a couple are people who are near twenty-four hours a day. It is necessary to live with those with whom you feel comfortable with living together, it is convenient to share responsibilities, with those with whom there are no clashes about personal space. We just did not work, and that's fine. Now we are pleased to spend time together, and we can not even spend the lion’s share of this time trying to figure out who owes what and who is really an asshole.
We had an atypical situation: a friend intentionally introduced us, but forgot to tell both of us that we live in different cities. I lived in Moscow, the guy lived in St. Petersburg.
We met once every two weeks and, in fact, lived with each other over the weekend. Almost all the time we spent sitting at home. I love to cook, so I spoiled the guy with apple pies. We watched movies, contacted friends on Skype, in the evenings we crawled out to Nevsky or Maroseyka.
Having lived this way for six months, we realized that we wanted to spend more time together, that I didn’t want to leave for a long time. I realized that the guy is my ideal both from the point of view of a man and from the point of view of a neighbor. The guy realized that there was nothing better than my pies. And despite the fact that it was a bit scary - only half a year had passed since our acquaintance, and by modern standards this is a very short time - we were not going to retreat. He just moved to Moscow, and we began to live together.
The first week was very unusual. Previously, you could come to your room, turn on the "New girl", paint your nails at the same time, then pozalipat on the instagram of the former for the sake of interest and fall asleep, tucking the blanket between your legs. At first, it seemed that all this was now an inaccessible luxury. It was necessary to cook dinner, do the dishes, load the washer, plan the budget for the month. On the nails just did not have time.
Before that, I lived with my parents, and having left them, I felt free - after we came together with a guy, this feeling disappeared somewhere. I needed to share space with someone again. A month later, all these sensations were gone, and we both got used to each other. Just a guy such that he will turn on the series and choose me the color of the manicure. We love each other madly and respect other people's interests.
In general, the pictures "expectation" and "reality" coincided. Everything that we did together, when we simply lived with each other, remained. Of course, I did not realize how much now I need to think for two. More time is spent on ordinary household chores, and you learn to re-plan time. Some unexpected discoveries did not happen, and it seems to me that this was because during the flower and bouquet period we were so honest with the guy that all the minuses and advantages were immediately clear. I knew that food could remain on the dishes, although he washed them thoroughly, I knew that he did not lower the toilet lid, but he was ready to do it for me if needed, and that was enough.
Now we live together for over a year, recently got married. After the wedding, nothing has changed, and again the pledge of this harmony is openness and love, no matter how trite or unreal it sounds.
My husband and I all happened fairly quickly: we met in August, we were already married in December. The decision to play a wedding came two months after the first meeting. Of course, there were no questions "why so early?" and "where are you in a hurry?" I think when a man really fits, it makes no sense to delay the wedding. Therefore, I didn’t have any serious concerns about our upcoming life together. How do I understand that I want to connect my life with this person? The main thing is a feeling of psychological comfort, common interests and values - we even work in one area.
In life together there are disagreements that, in my opinion, is completely normal. The most important thing is not to conceal insults and to pronounce everything until it has accumulated. And to agree on global issues - whether it is a career, lifestyle, birth of children or, for example, the purchase of real estate. And domestic differences can be solved when the world perception coincides. Therefore, the period of "grinding" we went smoothly.
I never wanted cohabitation to limit me. And this, fortunately, did not happen: I still when I want to meet with friends, go on business trips, we do household chores together when I am in a mood (good, there are cleaning services and restaurants as an alternative).
The husband takes it easy, I also try not to limit his personal space. There were no serious unpleasant surprises that would have knocked me out of the rut. And they were nice. For example, a husband loves to make breakfasts every day, which, in his words, allows you to tune in the right way - I met yogurt before meeting him in the morning at best. I also like to arrange family meetings at home with table setting and socializing - this strengthens relations not only with him, but with our relatives, which is also very important for me. If we talk about living together in general, it made my life more saturated and fulfilling.
The desire and decision to live together came organically, there was nothing even to discuss. But we didn’t come together very quickly - in almost two years of relations. Like before, but it was not possible. In addition, at that time my husband had already made me an offer, so we saw the prospect and there was no doubt anymore.
We were lucky, and the "grinding" went unnoticed: after all, we had already met for a long time and had time to get used to and adapt to each other, and the arrangement of the common nest was an interesting and rather pleasant team-building adventure. Six months later, we bought a cat and brought it to the utmost comfort in the apartment - taking care of this little eared little lump conquering the shelves and running around the bed at night gave us the feeling of a real family.
I did not formulate expectations for myself, but I believed that our common home would be the place where I wanted to return every evening after work. And I also understood that this would not happen by itself, and I need to work on this — me and him, and even a little cat. And in fact, this work should never stop - and this is the beauty and complexity of relationships. From pleasant discoveries - I learned that my husband now can fix everything. And I knew for sure that now I would go to Ikea with my girlfriends rather than drag my husband there: he fulfilled the life expectancy in those first months.
Photo: poko42 - stock.adobe.com, topntp - stock.adobe.com, torsakarin - stock.adobe.com, Khvost - stock.adobe.com, ivanmateev - stock.adobe.com