Not a word past: How to learn to listen actively
How many times have you been in a situation when the conversation seems to be “not glued” - you and your interlocutor cannot understand each other and everyone seems to be talking about his own? Perhaps the problem does exist, and communication does not add up. It seems that communicating with others is simple (after all, most of us do it daily or almost every day), but in practice this requires certain skills that, fortunately, can be developed. Once we have already talked about emotional intelligence - the ability to recognize your own and others' emotions and feelings and use this information for further action. Today we understand what active listening is and how it can help in everyday life.
ALEXANDRA SAVINA
What is active listening
It is considered that the term "active listening" was invented by psychologists Carl Rogers and Richard Farson - in 1957 they published a work with this name. By active listening, they meant a special technique that should help psychotherapists in working with clients, as well as in situations where mediation is required or it is about resolving some kind of conflict. Today, however, it is used in various cases - from communicating with children (remember the famous book “Communicate with a Child. How?” By psychologist Julia Gippenreiter) to conversations with friends and working negotiations. In general, wherever it is important to understand the interlocutor and be understood in response.
Active listening is a way to make communication more meaningful, thoughtful and deep: the interlocutors really try to understand each other and devote all their attention only to conversation. It implies that both are closely watching the thread of the conversation, trying to understand as best as possible what the other person had in mind, and if necessary, clarify whether someone else's idea was correctly understood, for example, by asking again to avoid discrepancies. Often this implies that a person listening to someone else's speech has to think about the subtext of the conversation, and about what, in fact, remains not expressed directly - about the feelings and emotions that his interlocutor is experiencing. All of them can be expressed indirectly, for example in intonation and gestures. Naturally, this does not mean that you have to guess the shades of the mood of the interlocutor or interlocutor - but to show empathy, notice that a person is upset, and it may be useful to ask him about it.
Active listening helps avoid communication pitfalls that every one of us falls from time to time. For example, a person often thinks what the other person was trying to say - or rushes to draw conclusions about what the interlocutor thinks, recalling past situations or based on ideas about his or her character. All this, of course, does not mean that you need to completely abandon your own point of view or attitude towards this or that person - but temporarily leaving assumptions aside is useful to see a clearer picture.
Why do you need active listening
Active listening seems to be not the easiest skill - but it can make life easier. Hardly anyone will deny that communication skills are very important: studies, for example, argue that patients with more advanced communication skills were more satisfied with the interaction with them. Other data (although, alas, not the newest) show that often reviews and critical comments about work can have the effect exactly the opposite of what was conceived, due to the fact that attention shifts from the actual work to personal qualities. Perhaps it is also a matter of a violation of communication, when criticism of working moments turns into personal criticism - or when the listener perceives it in this way.
Another study says that good communication skills, including active listening, help to organize the processes in the team and make the work more harmonious (the study was conducted at the nephrology departments of the hospital, but certainly can help other teams as well). Another study shows that active listening is more effective than other methods of communication. Scientists compared how the study participants responded to different types of responses to what they said: active listening techniques, tips, and simple confirmation that they were heard. It turned out that those who were “actively” listening, felt more attention to themselves - and were more satisfied with the conversation.
In general, active listening helps to make the conversation deeper and more enjoyable for both parties. In this case, just listening and remembering what the other person is saying (even word for word) is not enough. Scientists note that, although many consider this to be a sign of attentive attitude towards the interlocutor, in reality it is much more important that the conversation help both learn more, help establish communication and cooperate, and not argue and prove their point of view. Instead of a silent nod, it may be much more effective to ask a short clarifying question - it becomes so clear to the interlocutor that they do not just listen to him, but they understand him to ask additional questions and want more information.
How to listen more actively
The manuals for professionals, who have to interact a lot with people, indicate that active listening implies up to twenty different skills and abilities - from the general “to be as open, empathetic and strive to understand ourselves and others as much as possible” to more specific “avoid blurry , fuzzy and ambiguous statements ". Of course, it will take a lot of time and effort to master all twenty - and not everyone needs them. The good news is that for everyday communication a few simple tricks are enough.
The first and most important recommendation that is usually given when talking about active listening is to focus on the conversation, removing all the distractions (no talking in parallel with instagram, working chats, or flipping through the magazine). Many people are supported by eye contact, but it’s not necessary to be too fixed on it - after all, a person may be embarrassed, for example, and attentively listening to other people's words is more important than just looking at another in silence. You can occasionally show your interlocutor that you are still watching everything closely - for example, with a nod or a short “aha”. You shouldn’t interrupt the interlocutor - yes, you are more likely to express everything that you were going to, but you will hardly know what the other person was trying to say - and the task of any dialogue, including this one. Similarly, you should not think over what you say in response while your interlocutor speaks - perhaps you will come up with an excellent replica, but you may lose the thread of the conversation or answer not at all what your interlocutor says.
The second important principle of active listening is not to try to predict what the interlocutor is thinking or trying to say, and not to rush to conclusions. The main task of active listening is to remove inconsistencies between what your interlocutor says and how you understand him. This is not easy and requires effort - but there are several ways to help deal with it. For example, you can summarize or clarify what the interlocutor said ("Do I understand correctly that ...", "You mean ..." and so on). It is better to do this before you express your own opinion - just to be sure that you are talking about the same thing. You can try to understand the feelings behind one or another interlocutor's words - by intonation, gestures and posture - or directly ask about it (“You must be very scared now?”, “I would be sad if I was you”). Perhaps, having understood other people's emotions, it will be easier to understand that it is he or she who is trying to tell you.
It is important that all these techniques should be used sincerely - if the interlocutor is completely uninteresting to you, even a perfectly accurate retelling of his words will look just as detached. In the end, the key to a better conversation is that sincere interest in who you are talking to, then not losing the thread of conversation will be much easier.
PHOTO: nordiskagalleriet
