"Now mom is in a relationship with my girlfriend": Children about coming out of their parents
Cuming out in a society with conservative values - always a feat. The result is often immediate condemnation, so that many are afraid to admit their orientation not only to those around them, but also to themselves. It is especially difficult to perform this act in adulthood, when there is a traditional family behind your back. The heroes of this material were able to open up close as adults. On the difficult experience of taking their children tell.
TEXT: Anton Danilov, author of the Telegram channel "Promeminizm"
Nastya
24 years
My mother gave birth to me at the age of sixteen. She has an older brother, and my dad was his group mate - so they met. In the nineties, parents lived to the fullest, there were always a lot of guests at home - they could come, even when neither mom nor dad was at home. When the parents started dating, the father already had a girlfriend, her name was Natasha. At first, he could not decide which of them he liked more, but then my mother became pregnant with me, the questions disappeared, and they began to live together.
The marriage of mom and dad lasted fifteen years. One day she caught her father with another woman. At that moment, I suppose, all her feelings for him were burned out. At work, she met another man, Maxim, who became my stepfather. So that they could be together, mom divorced dad, and this same Maxim - with his wife. However, the marriage with him was not forever: they divorced literally last year, marking the tenth anniversary of the wedding. With Maxim, my mother began to languish. During the second marriage, she was stuck in her career, her apathy began, and her stepfather began to drink - which also did not contribute to the strength of the relationship. Nevertheless, it seemed to me that this stagnation in her life would necessarily spill over into something — and that’s what happened.
Salvation for mom was the same Natasha, with whom dad met during their stormy youth. After breaking up, they were able to remain friends, so that Natasha never completely disappeared from our lives. She also has a daughter, and when the girl started having difficulties, Natasha and my mother again began to communicate, to solve the emerging problem together. Last summer, Natasha and her daughter came to our dacha, we had a great time then. Literally within a day, Mom changed dramatically, her bad mood had evaporated, but no trace was left of her apathy. A week later, she said: "I need to talk to you." We have always had very trusting relationships. I asked if she had anybody. She replied: "Yes." I clarified: "Who is this man? At work, met?" To this she replied in the negative. Then I timidly clarified whether it was Natasha. After all, my mother at that time still lived with her stepfather. She replied: "Yes." She was worried that I would stop loving her, that recognition would affect our relationship. I replied that I am very happy for my mother, because she is blooming before our eyes! Although I reacted to her recognition normally, for herself it came as a shock, my mother was at a loss. “I felt that I had fallen in love. I had never had anything like this before,” she said then.
Interestingly, before that, my mother was always an ardent homophobic. If we watched TV together, she could switch the channel with the words "Oh, here it is, n *** p", or something like that. I could tell you how I saw two girls holding hands and how much it annoyed her. Now mom lives with Natasha with her three cats, but they do not advertise the relationship. Of course, the closest know - or at least guess. Many of them know that Natasha already had a romantic relationship with a woman, so they do not ask unnecessary questions. Close support mom, and she was surprised. I always say that she no longer fear and hide. What does it matter who and what will think?
Timur
33 years
When I was twelve, my mother discovered a box of photographs cut out of magazines showing nude men or kissing men. Morals were then much freer, in newspapers and magazines and more such could be seen. Mom made a wild scandal and threatened that if she found these clippings again, then I would stop being her son. In order to somehow fix the situation, I shouted that I was bisexual. In the nineties there was little information about homosexuality, but I managed to deduct somewhere that there are so-called bisexual people. I did not understand how normal what was happening to me was.
At eighteen, I first got the Internet. I sat on the site gay.ru and got acquainted with the guys. Communicated, met, but my mother, of course, did not tell. Two years later, my mother also began to use the computer. Once she forgot to close the tab in the browser, and I realized that she was sitting on the site for lesbians - apparently, simply did not know how to clear the history of views, how to hide their traces on the Internet. When I discovered this, everything that I knew about my mother collapsed in my head. But some strange things cleared up: earlier, for example, I did not understand her communication with some friends, with whom she even stayed overnight. Then my mother was married to my stepfather, but I knew that she did not love him. For some time we even lived separately: she physically could not be in the same room with him.
At that time I was already quite adult and free in my views. One day, when I almost caught her computer, I asked: "Mom, are you a lesbian?" She hesitated a little and answered: "Well, yes." It did not shock me at all. I replied, "Well, okay" - though I didn’t tell anything about myself then. Over time, we became closer, she told me about her women, with whom she had novels, who she liked. Of course, I supported her. Once she once again quarreled with her stepfather, at the moment she packed up her things and left - they never saw each other again. He was a very complex man, he loved to drink. Mom then lived with her friends, and then she met her beloved girl and healed with her. This year their union will be ten years old.
The rest of the family responded calmly to the recognition of the mother. Sometimes, she and her friend came for some family holidays and everything was fine. Nobody asked anything - though, I think, my grandfather, if he had lived to this point, would have reacted negatively. When I moved to Moscow, I made a Skypeing out on Skype: I was depressed by the feeling that between us there was still this secret. I said: "Mom, I like men. I do not know how you react to this." But she reacted calmly. I suspect that she knew this from childhood: in kindergarten I kissed boys, changed into women's clothes and played with dolls, and the story with the photos in the box convinced her of her own suspicions. Later, when I came to Ekaterinburg and met with her and her friends, I realized that we were on the same wavelength: we no longer had a taboo in communication, we discussed anything. Now I can tell her everything - and this is very cool. And when I met her partner, I seemed to have a second mother.
Hope
26 years
I learned about the homosexuality of my mother at twenty-one. Her recognition came as a shock, not only because there were no preconditions for it, but also because my close friend became her lover. My parents have been married for over twenty years, and my mother has always adhered to "traditional family values." I can not judge how happy her marriage was: of course, as in any family, we had our own dark stories and difficulties. My brother and I were raised very conservatively: I remember how my mother was unhappy when same-sex marriages began to be allowed in Europe.
The fact that my mother is in a relationship with my girlfriend, I learned during a family holiday. We went on a tour of Europe, and at some point, my friend joined us. I wondered: why? The fact that she had a relationship with my mother, I learned from her the same - and became enraged. It seems that it was the most intense fit of anger in my life. What made me angry most of all was the fact that the whole family knows about the orientation of the mother - including my younger brother. Dad pretended that everything was in order, that everything would pass. But on arrival in St. Petersburg, my mother filed for divorce, and it lasted about six months. And if the coming-out itself, my modified relationship with my girlfriend and the relationship between my parents, I experienced, then the divorce was the most terrible period. Then a large number of family stories emerged, which I would prefer not to know. I was very scared for the mental and physical health of all.
I took my mother's orientation right away - unlike the one who turned out to be her beloved woman. Then I realized: Mom looks much happier than being married to dad, and therefore supported her. Relationships with a friend recovered a couple of years. I perceived the novel as a betrayal: we rented an apartment together in another country for a year, I trusted her and thought that there were no secrets between us. Now our relationship has improved. The whole family, except for grandfather, knows about my mother's personal life. Mom has been dating her girlfriend for almost five years, they want to get married. Her partner has become a part of our family, we go to have a rest all together, she comes to all family holidays. I can not say that we are friends as before, but we communicate - we can even in conversations remember something from our past period.
Today I am incredibly happy for my mother. I see that she is happy and full of energy. During this time, she changed her profession, she had many new hobbies. Now I can say "mom and her spouse" without thinking. In Russia, such recognition still shocks people. They often ask again, but I absolutely calmly repeat what has been said. This is my mother, I love her and always support.
Anya
18 years
I have a rather unusual story, because I learned about homosexuality not of parents, but of grandfathers. Since childhood, we have had a relationship of trust with us - closer than with our parents. It was with my grandfather that I always shared my problems and experiences, so when I felt that I was falling in love with a girl, I did not find anyone else with whom I could discuss it. At that moment I was rather reserved, I had no close friends. She was afraid, of course, that he would say something like “this is just a phase, this is adolescent maximalism and a desire to stand out,” but she was sure that in any case he would not be condemning. In response, he asked to leave further conversation only between us and said that in his twenty years he was in about the same situation - except, of course, that he did not even have an idea what was happening to him at all.
I learned about homosexuality at the age of thirteen from the series in which a gay couple was among the characters. I just thought something like: "Wow, cool! They look cute in the frame." Later, having noticed an interest in girls, I read in a little more detail. She learned about her grandfather at fourteen or fifteen and took it normally. I did not understand: how could I not know such important details about a loved one? I remember how surprised at the moment of recognition: I expected to hear anything, but not that. I couldn’t say something worthwhile for a long time: I suddenly felt that I was not alone, and the words didn’t add up due to this overwhelming sensation.
Grandma knows about grandfather's sexual orientation. I know little about their relationship, before their grandfather’s coming out, their divorce after three years of marriage was explained as follows: “We just decided that we had better be friends,” and I was embarrassed to ask. One thing I can say with great certainty: they really are very good friends and communicate to this day. For example, they recently went to the St. Petersburg music festival together. About two years ago my grandfather had a partner. I can not say that we are close with him, but we have warm relations. The grandmother, five years after the divorce, remarried, and they also communicate with each other's new partners.
Mila
20 years
I did not have any particular moment when I realized that my beloved mother is a lesbian. When I was little, I knew that she had a girlfriend, and that was normal. I accepted Hume as it is, it is even strange for me to write the word "mother" in relation to her - for me she is a parent and ally. We always, and in childhood too, were very close with her, our relations were trustful and open. Once my sister and I (I was twelve years old and she was eighteen) prepared a dinner and a film for Yuma. We all sat together on the couch, cuddled and watched "No men - no problem." Hume then burst into tears of tenderness, kissed us. Thanks for the support.
I knew about homosexuality before: it seems to me that I was born with this knowledge. At school, I freely told my friends that my mother has a girlfriend, this fact did not bother me at all. Hume was open, I just did not need to hide anything. In addition, she was well known at school: she defended my rights and protected me. It was impossible not to remember her: she came with a shaved head and her appearance defied all gender stereotypes. Later we together participated in documentary about non-binary people "You are a boy or a girl", so now it is easy for me to explain to friends and partners who my mother is. I can just show them this movie.
I always have friendly relations with Yuma's affiliate programs, and with some I am still friends. The openness of Yuma gave me the opportunity to be free in my choice and to expect freedom and openness from other people. This allowed me to learn to defend my rights in any society, to be an individual, to learn the price of human rights. Now I’m already an adult, but we are still close people, allies in activist work. We have a lot in common: for example, we are participating in feminist, environmental, bodypositive and vegan projects. We treat each other with respect, she - to my partners, and I - to her.
Ian
21 years old
As a transman, I walked out of the closet at eighteen. It was not easy for me at school: in the first grade I tried to play with boys, but they rejected me. District girls boycotted me too. Before the appearance of my chest, I had problems only with the imposed female gender, and when at twelve my body was beating in a fit of self-hatred, I could not find anything smarter than hitting a toxic masculinity. I did not think about operations: I was afraid of "punishment from above." Later I learned about the queer community and made a leap in intellectual and social development thanks to the university.
I have always had a very difficult relationship with my mother. When I was eighteen, I told her about my belonging to LGBT, but she only caused scandals. At twenty years old, I had the first recorded depressive episode. At that time, I already recognized myself as a non-binary transgender, but I realized that I would never arrange a mother. She never heard what I told her, and ignored my sexual orientation and gender identity, interfering with everything. My father was only upset, and the older sisters did not impose their opinions on me.
My grandmother raised me, and I always loved her more than others. Once I left home to live with her and talked about the reasons. Then I explained to her every letter from the abbreviation LGBTQIAPP. We began to discuss human sexuality, and in conversation it turned out that her experience is very similar to that of asexuals. I noticed it, and she agreed with me. This helped her to rethink some aspects of her life - it turned out she was looking at people's relationships through her asexual optics. That is why she sharply and uncomprehendingly expressed, for example, about teenage masturbation.
Of course, I responded positively to the recognition of my grandmother. I thought then: "Wow, I'm not the only queer in the family! Hurray!" Gently began to explain and tell what I know about the experience of asexual people. He did not begin to develop her idea that "it would be better if she had no relationship at all." I tried not to injure, and it seems I managed it. I didn’t tell anyone from the family about her experience; for my part, that would be an auiting. Grandmother does not want to tell anyone, because no one in the family will understand her. She is afraid that this will result either in accusations of supporting the “LGBT sect” or in “So, your relationship was a mistake, your children and grandchildren are a mistake? Do you want to say this? You're sick!”
Now grandma supports me, but asks me not to tell anyone about my identity for security reasons. My partner (tismozhchina) completely accepts me and knows all the nuances of my identity. Potential partners (we are polyamoric) also accept, like friends, colleagues, friends. There are friends who avoid this topic, but do not impose anything. I communicate a lot with people from different queer communities, and I have a wonderful life in the adoption environment. Only sometimes rolls discomfort due to financial inability to remove the chest. I reassure myself that once I save money for its removal. I almost completely accept my whole body, because society has allowed me to live in my gender and with my name.
Revision Wonderzine thanks Sasha Kazantseva, a leading telegram channel "Washed Hands", for help in arranging the interview.
Photo: lms_lms - stock.adobe.com