Domestic wife: Why in the XXI century is not ashamed to be a housewife
Who would we imagine when we think about the "perfect modern woman" - Sheryl Sandberg, Beyonce or Natalia Vodianova - most likely it will be a progressive citizen who has achieved success in their own business, corporate career or creative vocation. A "completed woman" can (and in the opinion of many should) have a partner and be a caring but not an obsessive mother and at the same time have time to realize herself in a career or "income-generating hobby." She shows by her example that “you can have time for everything”: you can change the world, and start a family, and not go to workouts with a fat spot for weeks.
We have already once told how the right to work earned has become a duty, and now we want to talk in more detail about women who decide to temporarily or permanently devote themselves to caring for the house and raising children. What is the difference between modern housewives and their predecessors from the 1950s, who became a pop-cultural horror movie, and can one honestly share the ideas of equality by devoting oneself to “female destiny” in its patriarchal understanding?
In Russia, 3.6 million women (2.5%) are considered housewives, and according to official statistics, only 300,000 men are housewives. In France, there are about three million women (who consider their home and family as their main occupation) (4.6% of the country's population), while in the USA there are slightly more than 10 million housewives (3%), and their number has increased in the past few years.
Paradoxically, housewives dislike neither opponents of gender equality, nor its supporters. With the first, everything is more or less clear: the followers of "traditional values" believe that women should not move far from the hearth while the husband plays the role of a breadwinner, but at the same time they suspect the wives who stay at home in laziness and mercantile spirit. The classic parasite housewife from the sexist anecdote is the heroine of the series “Happy Together” Dasha Bukina, who watches TV shows around the clock and takes her husband’s salary, without ceasing to call him a loser. Feminists, of course, do not support this misunderstanding stereotype - but many people believe in the sincerity of women who temporarily or permanently leave career ambitions to take care of the house and children: housewives fit too well into the cozy patriarchal model of the family - it’s easy to suspect that they they do not make such a choice consciously, but simply go with the flow.
A classic parasitic housewife from a sexist joke - the heroine of the series “Happy Together” Dasha Bukina, who watches TV shows around the clock and takes her husband’s salary, without ceasing to call him a loser
In 1963, in the cult book "The Mystery of Femininity" ("The Feminine Mystique"), Betty Friedan described the tragic situation of women who left their studies and careers to realize their "natural purpose", but feel unhappy. The image of the perfect housewife, who meets her husband on the threshold in a beautiful fitted dress (the new bow style is now forever associated with the "mysterious femininity" and advertising mixers), it was not for nothing that America was formed: unlike in Europe, which the World War II plowed up growth, and the salary of the average husband could be a good idea to live together or together. At the same time, the birth rate fell during the war - and the state launched a campaign to "return women to the family": in the same "Riddle of Femininity", Fridan talks about the courses on "Psychology of Family Life" and "Household Management", which appeared in senior classes and universities and became mandatory for girls.
"Housewife Syndrome"
A week ago, the Russian Ministry of Education and Science, by the way, approved the course “Lessons from family happiness,” which should prepare high school students for creating a family, preferably a large family. However, the background of Russian women is very different from the Western ones: in the USSR there were housewives (non-working mothers did not even fall under the article on parasitism), but the state policy and living conditions were completely different. Women were needed by the country both as communist builders and housewives: it was assumed that before the shift at the factory it was necessary to take the child to the nursery and feed her husband, and after the shift - to do laundry, cleaning and other household chores.
While Soviet women worked on several jobs and fell down from fatigue, American women quietly went crazy within four walls: "housewife syndrome", which Fridan describes in detail (she calls American families "cozy concentration camps"), manifested in a variety of mental and psychosomatic symptoms - from unexplained headaches and weakness to psychosis with suicide attempts. According to the researcher, the "housewife syndrome" was a direct consequence of the lack of choice and the limited existence of American women who could not realize their potential, which became infantile and emotionally unstable.
Nobody tried to find out how many women dream of becoming housewives since childhood and consistently go towards this goal - but there is a feeling that there are very few of them. Judging by research, in Western countries, the decision to leave work is usually made after the birth of the first or second child - and not only because women want to participate in their upbringing, but also for financial reasons. Although the work of the mother and housewife is not paid, in terms of the services of hired workers, it costs a lot: what's the point of returning to the office (especially unloved), if you have to give all the money you earn to the nurse, the cleaner or the food delivery service? This problem is particularly acute in countries where there is no paid maternity leave and other benefits for young parents - we have already said that in this Russian woman, compared with the same American women, was lucky. At the same time, women all over the world still earn less than men, facing discrimination in finding employment - it’s logical that when one of the partners needs to stay at home and the second needs to support the family, the roles are distributed in the “traditional” way, even if both are in favor of equal parenthood and fair sharing of household responsibilities. The problem is that these beliefs are often declared at the beginning of a relationship, but they are not implemented in practice: in most cases, women perform at least managerial roles in pairs, and in 70% of Russian families they are generally involved in all economic matters. Not to mention the emotional work, the results of which are not as noticeable as the frying pans polished to a shine, and require no less strength.
Judging by research, in Western countries, the decision to leave work is usually made after the birth of the first or second child - and not only because women want to participate in their education, but also for financial reasons
Women who "manage everything" exist - let us remember the same Sheryl Sandberg, a magnificent COO and a no less magnificent mother - but it is strange to demand from all women to constantly work out on both fronts, overcoming the circumstances, even if we assume that everyone has a career ambitions comparable to Facebook's top manager. The demands are too high, and the inability or unwillingness to comply with them is deplorable - therefore housewives are often ashamed of their status or, at every opportunity, point out that these are only temporary measures. Housewives of the 50s could not be "perfect wives" from advertising, and our famous contemporaries "do everything" as if without much effort (a nanny, a cleaning lady, a cook, a secretary and a personal assistant in motivational videos about mothers-CEOs usually do not show, therefore easy to forget that they exist). At the same time, many non-working mothers admit that they would gladly return to work - however, they either simply are not called for an interview or offer inflexible conditions under which it is impossible to adjust.
Both women who do not have time to spend enough time with their families because of work, and those who sacrificed their careers to devote themselves fully to raising children, experience guilt. “I feel that I have let down a generation of women who fought for us to dream of something more,” admits Lisa Endlich Heffernan in her column “Why I regret that I became an unemployed mother.” Her doubts and regrets are familiar to most women who became housewives after the birth of children: "why did I get an education, if my diploma has been gathering dust on the shelf for a long time", "my relationship with my partner has changed", "my friends think that I do not do anything all day" , "I'm behind the times." Judging by the search queries, one of the biggest fears of Russian women is to turn into a "homemade wedge", that same stereotypical housewife in a bathrobe, or look like this in the eyes of others. One of the definitions in the Urban Dictionary is to describe a housewife as a "anxious woman who falls into sobs when a two-year-old woman says no to her for the hundredth time a day, the other says that women become" who have no useful skills. , career ambitions, self-confidence and goals in life "- it is not surprising that even the temporary status of a housewife for active and ambitious women is a failure.
Hipster Housewives
The alternative is offered by “Millenial housewives”, they are also “housewives-hipsters” - these young women have come up with the rebranding of the stereotypical image of “house wife”. Tess Struve, a certified anthropologist who refused to work for the sake of raising her daughter and cooking organic dinners for her family, explains the basic principles of "housewives of the 21st century" on her millennialhousewife.com resource: Struve proposes to abandon the "unrealistic" goal of "have time for everything" - and a full-fledged career, and motherhood (in fact the second full career) - and find a way to contribute to the family budget, if necessary, but without being separated from children and household chores for a long time. Struve believes that the main difference between “Millennial housewives” and desperate women of the 50s is the fact that modern non-working mothers do not lose touch with the world, because “with one hand they make dinner with organic products without GMOs, and the second is holding an iPhone” . Although this image is difficult to take seriously, the desire to actively take part in the lives of their children, to carefully choose food for dinner and keep the house in order is understandable - it is not surprising that many working women who are unable to go on leave to care for a child, hope to someday become housewives if the financial situation of the family allows such luxury.
Choosing a "career" housewives, many women probably do not realize all the cultural factors that push them to such a choice - and do not even wonder why their husbands do not consider this option for themselves. However, attempts to convince the housewives that they "waste the best years of their lives," desperately resemble calls for "liberating the women of the East," tearing off the covers from them. Perhaps the manifesto of “Millenial housewives” sounds naive, but it is at least strange to condemn women who prefer to care for their family careers and accuse them of “betrayal” of previous generations who fought for equality. In the end, free informed choice is an important value, it remains only to believe in women and give them the opportunity to make it.
Images: Wikimedia Commons (1, 2, 3), Zazzle