Talk to him: Why is it important to discuss sex
Text: Anton Utkin
We have been dating for a couple of months now; sex is good - as far as he can be good for two not very experienced and timid people, but still it seems to me that she does not agree with something. A few times I’m confused, but I’m confidently trying to talk to her right after, but after a few quiet and uncertain "m-mm" I leave questions. Then we break up.
I return to this conversation eight years later - she is no longer a shy twenty-year-old girl, but a beautiful adult woman; we communicate in confidence, telling each other about our relationship, we are good friends. This time we meet in daylight and over a cup of coffee, and she calmly says that she has never experienced a vaginal orgasm. This means that eight years ago she never experienced it with me. And she explains that it is in the order of things - as a rule, Russian women under thirty do not talk about sex with their partners. “As a sociologist, any such generalizations cause episodes of idiosyncrasy,” replies Karina (26 years old, Moscow). A few more minutes, I assure her that no, I am not a sexologist or a sociologist, but an ordinary conscious citizen, who undertook to dig a topic deeper than the usual urban small talk, and then it turns out that Karina herself practically does not talk about sex with her partners, because she, like many other young women, is afraid to talk about it with her men. The wording is very broad - from "maybe I fear some illusory perversity" to "what if he decides that I am a whore?", But the first reason for silence is the same: it’s scary to talk to our man, than a woman - he grew up on the ruins of a large sullen empire, often - in a close and harsh family, where sex and sex education were out of the question. “Russian people are generally very shy, they don’t know how to talk about sex. And boys are much more constrained than girls,” the cheerful Alina woman (27, Moscow) readily tells me about the bodily self-awareness of different countries and nations. And this is a very contrasting picture: “Anton, we don’t have such a problem. If you and your partner have a lack of understanding in relationships that somehow affect sexuality, then you can always turn to a sexologist,” explains Anne-Lisa (29 years old, Copenhagen.) “But in general, we regularly discuss such things with girlfriends - and if we don’t quite like what our guys do to us in bed, we’ll tell them directly about it."
Everyone is embarrassed, even having lived for many years with each other, even having tried dozens of poses, places and lights - they are still embarrassed
The second reason, which is mostly called younger girls, is also fear, but a different kind of fear. The fear that a young man who is not burdened with obligations will be afraid of sincerity and will run away to his motorcycles in “Enthusiast” forever - if you leave aside all the jokes that “young hipsters and early hipsters have no sex,” the fact remains in the era of social networks, converging or breaking up can be as easy as putting on or taking off Like; “we parted on Skype” is a bitter indicator of the absence of what is called commitments in a young couple, and in general in Russian commitments are “obligations” and obligations are. The lack of the right words is the third reason for silence. “I can call a member a member, but I cannot pronounce the word vagina, at least not in conversation with my lover,” Alice (28 years old, Moscow) tells me. I try to argue, try to explain that if you don’t start talking about sex right now, good sex will remain just good sex, mediocre - mediocre, and great sex - an elusive coincidence, just like God shot at coffee lovers, which happens once in a while. life, and even then not at all. I try to argue, but then I give up, because all of the above are women's fears, and I'm just a worried man who is trying to look inside the problem. "It seems to me that [these] women will never overcome the fear of talking about sex, as the fear of being alone dominates in their value system. And while it dominates, they will be silent and tolerate," Alina firmly sums up. "Vagina will endure everything, she is ". “Everyone is embarrassed, even after having lived with each other for many years, even having tried dozens of poses, places and lights, they are still embarrassed. A rare case when a young girl directs a guy with words: higher, left, quieter or, on the contrary, faster, stronger ... But you need start talking ", - Vera (24 years old, Moscow). And here the theory of small matters is the surest way to start a discourse. A man is afraid to have sex in the light and reacts badly to experiments? Light a candle - yes, yes, just like in the sugary romantic scene from the movie, do not worry. Today, one candle, tomorrow - two, the day after tomorrow - three, and after two weeks, when the situation begins to resemble a Latin American soap opera, move them to the bathroom. By the time the man has already developed a reflex, just like Pavlov's dog - where there are candles, there is also sex - and he will easily agree to romantic water procedures.
In sex, a man does not always give, but always receives - and a woman always gives, but not always receives
No, the truth is, the main thing is not to be afraid and not to complicate, men are simple creatures, and it is quite simple to cope with them; they are amenable to affection and training, and the most important thing here is to take the first, albeit a shy, step forward. "In sex, a man does not always give, but always receives - and a woman always gives, but does not always receive. This must be clearly understood and act first" - Olga (33 years old, Los Angeles). This separate plot draws dozens of others: yes, we are all hostages of the heavy Soviet asexual heritage, yes, we have practically no sex education, yes, we have patriarchy and completely skewed social roles of a man and a woman, but nothing will move one iota, until we start talking about it. Right now. Little by little. The next time you have sex with your friend, or lover, or husband, think about it. Perhaps every night you have luxurious, wonderful, unrestrained sex - then this column is definitely not for you. And maybe your sex is just good, not bad, okay, it could be better - and then don't be shy, catch a man right on time, find the strength to look into his eyes and say: "You know, I would be very pleased if you will do it like this, "and take his hand (or not your hand) in yours and show exactly how.