Question to the expert: Why "sofa psychology" does not work
Text: Anastasia Pivovarova
RESPONSES TO THE MAJORITY OF US QUESTIONS we used to search online. In the new series of materials we ask such questions: burning, unexpected or widespread - to professionals in various fields.
Despite the fact that they talk about mental disorders more and more, there are still many myths and delusions around them. One of the most popular is that psychologists and psychotherapists are something “fashionable” and superfluous that come from Hollywood films, and a “normal” person has friends to talk to. Why a friend doesn’t compare with a professional, how couch psychotherapy can harm all the participants in the conversation, and we asked the expert how to hint to a friend that he should go to the doctor.
Olga Popova
psychotherapist, psychologist, author of textbooks
The main difference between a specialist and a friend is in professional training. This is not only the knowledge that a psychotherapist and a psychologist receive for several years at a university, but also hours of his own therapy that help to correctly diagnose a problem and work correctly with a person experiencing a difficult situation. Unfortunately, a mental disorder can overtake any of us - but due to stigma it is often difficult to seek help. Because of stereotypes, others can reject a person, react to him negatively, which will make him more withdrawn into his illness.
There is a myth that "strong" people do not get sick with depression, phobias, panic attacks. This may seem paradoxical, but it is strong, sensitive and responsible people who take on many responsibilities at work and in the family, are more likely to suffer from such diseases as depression and anxiety disorders. These people, as a rule, set high goals for themselves and give themselves too little time for their execution. When such loading factors become abundant, the psyche simply does not hold up, which is not surprising: the resource of physical and emotional forces has a limit. Moreover, it is more difficult for strong people to accept their weaknesses and limitations, to recognize that they are tired and they need help. A person tries to continue to cope on his own - but this is not always possible without a specialist.
Of course, a friend can support in a difficult moment, can take care of people and give advice based on their experience. But still, let's say, he can insist on this advice as the only right one, because it was this that once helped him. It is easy to forget that each person and the situation is unique. Close to the same may be too emotional and subjective, included in what is happening and simply can not look from the outside, take into account the strong and weak qualities of a person, his resources and deficiencies. As a result, he remains disoriented and may go into an even bigger deadlock or make the wrong decision.
Sometimes a friend, experiencing a situation, is dragged into a so-called injury funnel, and then help is needed for two of them. In turn, a nonprofessional may additionally load a person with his emotions that arose in response to a problem: fear, anger, anger, feelings of guilt or shame. If a solution is not found for a long time, the depreciation may begin: “Enough, stop how much you can be sad about this, look at others who are even worse in life ...” - and this will make it even harder. It will seem to a person that he has no right to be himself, a feeling of guilt for emotions and inability to cope with them will arise.
Sometimes a friend, experiencing a situation, is dragged into a so-called injury funnel, and then two of them need help.
A friend can give value judgments and characteristics, which additionally injure a person and deprive him of support and self-confidence. Support may suddenly cease if the friend does not have more time and energy. Finally, a friend may not notice serious symptoms and do not understand that there is a need for drug therapy - as a result, the disease will progress. It is even difficult for a specialist to make a correct diagnosis, let alone a friend without a specialized education. There are quite monstrous situations: a person becomes worse, he commits suicide, and others have a so-called feeling of guilt of a survivor, and then they themselves can’t do without professional help.
In my practice, there was a young man who suffered panic attacks, and two psychologists did not help him overcome sudden bouts of nausea, dizziness and fear. Collecting a family history, I learned that many of his male relatives suffered from epilepsy - and he seemed to be lucky, the disease was over. Just in case, I asked for an electroencephalogram - and the patient had epilepsy, and the prescribed medication completely removed those manifestations to which he complained. You understand that in such a situation, even the closest friends will not have a meeting.
Even if a friend is a psychologist or psychotherapist by education, work and personal life should be divided. Otherwise, roles, boundaries and rules are violated, friendship is lost, and the quality of psychotherapy will be poor. The actions of such a psychotherapist may not be perceived as professional: knowing the weaknesses, habits, details of a friend’s private life will not allow him to be perceived as a doctor. Questions, words and recommendations may look offensive, stupid or offensive. It may seem that a friend is approved at someone else's expense or devalues emotions. In general, such therapy will not be effective - it will be most appropriate to give contacts to another specialist.
If you find yourself in a situation where help is needed to a loved one, then perhaps it is better to ask him to free up time for the meeting - and begin the conversation with an apology for the hypotheses and assumptions, be sure to say that his feelings are important to you. Then calmly state the facts that you noticed: it may be the smell of alcohol in the morning, forgetfulness and absent-mindedness, from which the result of the work suffers, an untidy look, and so on. It makes sense to show the contacts of specialists by telling that they have already helped someone. It may be worth mentioning the experience that was in your life or in the life of your friends who have overcome a similar situation. Offer then go to the pharmacy, if necessary, accompany your friend to the doctor or just sit at home for the company, so that you don’t be lonely - this is the best help you can offer without taking on too much responsibility.
Photo:Nikolai Sorokin - stock.adobe.com, Anthony Paz - stock.adobe.com