"Look at him": Anna Starobinets on abortion at a later date
DURING THE LAST YEAR, WE WALK UP WITH A GRACE both in Russia and other countries they urge to limit the right of women to abortion. All this is expectedly accompanied by fierce disputes - both in public space and at family tables - and rallies. But if quite a lot has already been said about voluntary abortions, late termination of pregnancy for medical reasons is still a taboo topic, which is not customary to discuss. At best, a woman is left alone with herself and her grief; at worst, she is showered with inappropriate remarks. Next week the autobiographical book of the journalist and writer Anna Starobinets “Look at him” is published by the publishing house Corpus. During pregnancy, she learned that the future child had a diagnosis incompatible with life, and decided to have an abortion. Anna told us about the reaction of others, the support of relatives and the realities of Moscow and European medicine.
Women are afraid to speak on this topic because they know that by telling your story, you can get a very different reaction from society. Someone may be sorry for you, but someone will say “I am guilty myself,” someone will conclude that you are a bad person, a “poor-quality woman” and did something wrong. Then there will surely come people who claim that the child can and should have been saved, and you are a murderer. Someone will surely note that you do not have the right to bring such intimate details to the public, because this is “porn necrophilia”. To hear this, it is not necessary to write a book, as I did. While I was working on it, I spent a lot of time on forums dedicated to the pathologies of pregnancy, and I know what people write.
Pregnancies with pathology of the fetus is 4-5% of the total. That is, if you take large numbers, the problem really looks statistically rare. However, if you change the scale, it is clear that we are talking about thousands of women per year. In addition, this statistic does not include many thousands of women who have lost children as a result of a miscarriage during any period of pregnancy, as well as those who have lost their newborn babies - they all also feel grief and also rarely talk about it. And no one talks about it with them. Doctors - because they proceed from the fact that it is enough to provide such a woman with purely medical care, and psychological support is a whim and not at all to them. Ordinary people - because they do not know what to say and how, and try to pretend that nothing has happened. A woman who has survived the tragedy is forced to withdraw into herself, because she understands: there will be no reaction to her words, or there will be one that will simply make her more painful. Both the medical, and human, and online communities are organized so that this woman is stumped. One way or another, it is stigmatized. In the coordinate system of those around you, if you complain about mental pain, and even more so if you want to get rid of it, you automatically become a criminal and a sinner who "killed the child, and now she wants something else for herself."
The other extreme is when they try to console you, claiming that the one who was inside you is just a “fruit”, a “tadpole”, and not a child. "Do not invent, still give birth, get distracted, live on," - you hear. These are not the words that can help. How can a person experiencing such a tragedy be distracted by something? She does not want to be distracted, she wants to mourn the child. She does not want to “give birth to more” - she longs for the very baby she lost. In the Russian medical system, a psychologist is not provided for such cases - and this is surprising. It is obvious that a specialist to whom not only the woman who suffered the loss, but also her relatives could apply, is absolutely necessary. They would be able to get clear advice from him on how to deal with a woman in that position. But most often, the one who suffered a loss is forced to live out their grief while cooking in their own juice. Less often there is a close person, such as a husband, who is able to support her, and then they cook in this hellish pot together.
Not everyone understands that there is something wrong with the medical system, where you are sometimes denied humanity. Soviet people or even my generation, that is, people with Soviet childhood, are often not ready to accept this as a deviation from the norm. "Well, yes, doctors, so busy, they get little, of course, they will be embittered." I remember how in childhood I became ill with otitis and the ENT doctor screamed and threatened to put some sharp needles in my ear, because I was afraid to sit in a chair. And it was perceived as something that goes without saying. People of my generation can certainly remember several such stories from their own lives. We are accustomed from childhood that we can be treated like this. And in this feature of our free state medicine, gynecology, at least, for sure.
With the medical system, where you are sometimes denied humanity, something is wrong
A woman with a doomed pregnancy in Russia does not have a choice: she cannot choose a clinic, a doctor, a way to terminate a pregnancy, or even a way to prolong it if she wants to convey a doomed child. This is what I encountered. The only way is to obey the system. That is, formally, the choice to communicate or not end up as it were, but in practice both of these ways are dead-end. If she decides to don, her pregnancy no one will lead as a normal pregnancy. She will not be respected. It will put pressure on her. She will constantly hear: "Are you out of your mind? Why do you need this? Your husband will leave you! You will give birth to a monster! You will die in childbirth!" And when she gives up and still decides to terminate the pregnancy, they will start pressing it differently: "Late abortion? So, you kill a mature child, you are a murderer and a monster! And anyway, it's your fault, it's your mutant of some kind." Probably, you had too many men, you drank, smoked, and also chilled appendages. " And now the woman goes to the hospital, where she, too, has no choice: she cannot choose the preferred type of anesthetic, she cannot invite her husband to give birth, she goes there like a prison. Surely, from the point of view of medicine, they will do everything normally and even save the uterus, but they will completely break the psyche. Because none of the doctors is trained and does not consider it necessary to be trained in the ethics of dealing with a patient in a crisis situation.
I did not interrupt the pregnancy in Russia and found an opportunity to do it in Germany. The difference in approach is huge. Firstly, I was offered the same choice: to terminate a pregnancy or to inform a child, which is absolutely certain that he cannot live outside the mother's body. If I could stay in Germany for such a long time and would prefer the second option, I would be observed as the most ordinary pregnant woman, and not in some special place, but in a clinic of my choice. Many Germans in my position do that. There is an opportunity to call on the birth of a loved one who will support, you can immediately contact the psychologist immediately after making a diagnosis, moreover, if you constantly live in Germany, then you are obliged to visit him. In the end, there is a guarantee that you will be treated as a person who loses a child, because it is.
In Russia, you can also get high-level medical care - most likely, not in a state institution, but sometimes in a state one too. Now in Russia there are maternity hospitals, focusing on the European experience. They practice joint labor, there are family wards, and the doctors with you are gentle and kind. But all this concerns only a safe pregnancy. If a woman is generally healthy and has financial resources, she may well go to a private clinic, never regret about it and remain confident that everything else is just “scary” slanderers of the motherland. Sometimes, however, there are also those who do not trust private clinics, because there doctors work “just for money”, but prefer antenatal clinics and other hardcore, because there are “experienced doctors”, experts in their field and disenchants, and rude, so it's not scary, "but the professionals are good." That is, for some reason, professionalism is contrasted with politeness.
Society pretends that such a problem does not exist.
Female consultation is a special place. There, it seems, everything is done in order to isolate the man from what is happening. Nonparticipation of a partner in so-called women's affairs is generally a huge problem, it is a tradition, as it is established. There will definitely be relatives who, out of the best of intentions, will advise you not to devote your man to "female" problems. Apparently, it comes from somewhere in the depths of centuries, where pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood were a kind of female subculture. There is blood, pain, groans, screams, physiological fluids - the man is allegedly unable to understand all this, and what he saw only frightens him. Therefore, you just need to remove him from this so that he does not run away from fear. As for a dysfunctional pregnancy of any period, most doctors and patients proceed from the fact that it is better not to involve a partner in these problems. If he can hardly withstand normal childbirth, where should he endure stillbirth? This topic has been taboo since Soviet times.
According to this logic, since only a woman is responsible for the field of procreation, then only she is to blame for all problems with prenatal development and the health of the offspring - and the woman constantly feels shame about this. And many are really sure that it is they who are to blame for the fact that something went wrong with their pregnancy. When I studied all sorts of forums, talked with their participants, I was surprised to find that many women really do not know that two people are equally responsible for the formation of the fetus: cells and genes are taken from two people in equal proportions. The concept of guilt is generally inappropriate in this case, but if we use it, both partners are to blame. As for problems with purely female health, such as obstruction of pipes, this is also a reason to sympathize with a woman, and not to spread rot to her for her poor quality. But, since it is customary for us to treat this as something shameful, the woman tries to protect her man, and herself, from undesirable consequences. Suddenly, the doctor decides to teach the pregnant woman that you need to observe the innocence before the marriage, or make an assumption that her ectopic pregnancy is a consequence of the erratic change of partners in the past, and this will be postponed in her partner's head?
Until I myself was a part of unfavorable statistics, I could not even imagine the unbearable situation of women like me. Punitive gynecology, lack of psychological help, broken fates, divorces, depressions - and a society that pretends that such a problem does not exist. I wanted to at least try to loosen this system. She's rotten, you push, but what if the truth really collapses? Therefore, I wrote "Look at him."
I will never forget the child I lost, I do not want to forget him, and I am grateful to him. If it were not for him, I, perhaps, would never have understood how a courageous and courageous person I chose as companions of life: now I know that there is a person next to me who will never betray. I have an older daughter, and two years after that aborted pregnancy, I gave birth to a son. But if I had not lost that child who was supposed to be born between them, I might never have understood that in life there is practically no reason to feel angry with my children, shout at them or punish them. It seems to us that we have the right to do this by default: we are parents, we are responsible, we are tired, we are distracted, we are not obeyed, it is hard for us. But life is such a fragile thing. Including the lives of our loved ones. I would rather take care and pamper my children. There are many others willing to "punish" them.
Photo: hakule - stock.adobe.com, vetre - stock.adobe.com
