"Love yourself until the end of my days": I married myself
On the practice of solology and people who marry themselves,we have already told. Sologamy, although not officially recognized, is becoming more and more popular - especially among those who live under the constant pressure of parents and loved ones, who convince that outside of marriage a person simply cannot live a full life. The sacralization of the institution of marriage is peculiar even to societies that seem to have abandoned most traditional prejudices, and single-minuteing penetrates the skin even to those who do not really think that they should get married or by any means.
We asked a woman who married herself to tell her what prompted her soloists and what problems with self-esteem help to solve such a ritual.
Obsession
"Don't worry, you still have a whole year." Recently, I was twenty-nine years old, and on this day, my father, congratulating me on the saddle, hinted as if in a joke that by thirty it would be time to think about family and marriage. Shortly before I moved to the Netherlands and entered one of the best local art academies. In the first year she held two exhibitions, received grants for projects and the highest mark among the entire faculty for her studies. All this was not enough: in order to conform to the idea of a successful woman, it was necessary to “get married before thirty” and, preferably, get a car and a house.
I do not blame either my father, my relatives, or my surroundings: we are all the products of our society and simply broadcast the attitudes that we instilled in our childhood - and we are trying to convince others to live in such a way that we are “understandable”. More surprising was another. I’m no longer a little girl, I could have long been hammered into something that I was once inspired, and live in my own way, especially in a new country where no one wants you to be married. And yet I still had inner dissatisfaction, as if to myself I agreed with my father. As if I really needed to find someone before I turned thirty.
All my life I did not get a little under the description of "sophisticated and feminine": I did not fit into the ideal of the hourglass (I always had a very athletic figure), did not like to cook or sit at home, worked, traveled, practiced extreme sports. From time to time it bothered me, and then I started to wear long dresses, I learned to cook, tried to be a good Vedic woman and inspire my man to great deeds. It turned out very badly.
In the Netherlands, I saw a completely different division of roles: I watched fathers lead small children for a walk and familiar families take turns preparing dinner. It turned out that the partnership can be equal. That you can come on a date without a drop of make-up and not wait for you to be asked if you slept well. What can you dress like that. That I'm not a "bad woman", but just a woman.
At this moment, the break-up began: I already wanted to live in a new way, with a freer feeling and acceptance of myself, but I did not cease to prove to myself that I could afford it and not look back. I watched how my business skills helped to go about my business and succeed, how persistence and work produce results - and I constantly told myself, “how wonderful that I am.” But I was still tormented by the question whether everything was fine with me. Maybe I, with such a character, really “never marry,” and, therefore, cannot be a “fully realized woman”?
These thoughts made me do a little research to understand why marital status and the institution of marriage still have such an influence - at least in the post-Soviet space. As a student, I had to do a project on the subject of "Obsession", and I began to study the obsession with the institution of marriage and the creation of a family.
Sologamia
I studied the statistics of marriages and divorces in the post-Soviet countries and was shocked: in Belarus and Russia, divorce rates were among the highest. So why, if literally every second family falls apart in a year, do people again and again seek their happiness in marriage? I suggested that girls (especially young ones) make a choice in favor of marriage, not because they really found a suitable partner, but simply to get rid of family pressure. I know for myself: when I was in a couple, my parents calmed down, my friends put more likes on social networks - it was easier to meet the generally accepted criteria of a successful and happy woman.
During the study, I stumbled upon the term "sologamy" and the stories of women and men who married themselves. The decision struck me with its originality: you can fulfill a social commitment and at the same time make your choice in front of your audience in favor of yourself or yourself. I wanted to go through this experience myself. At first I thought it would be an art project, but soon I realized that I wanted to do everything seriously and honestly, for a while I forgot about my studies and began preparing for my own wedding.
Sologamia is not officially recognized in any of the countries and does not give any privileges, unlike a wedding with a partner. So I immediately decided that once the ceremony was mine, I would conduct it as I wanted, because I was always a little annoyed by the white dresses, the bread and salt, and other familiar attributes.
Even in the process of preparation, interesting changes began to occur to me. I realized that I was ready to live this life alone and I would not blame myself if I didn’t meet a suitable partner. When I imagined that the greatest fear of a little girl was “no one will take you in marriage”, it became easy for me and funny. I crossed the psychological boundary, I realized that I have a lot of plans for life and I do not need to be in front of anyone. One day later I had my hair cut and dyed as I had always dreamed - no one else had to try to please.
I did not hesitate with the ceremony; I immediately set a date and invited friends. In Berlin, on sale, I bought a space purple dress and chose the theme of the wedding: space. After all, I was planning to declare my intention to connect with myself. I did not say anything to the family: I would have to explain too much and I did not want to upset them. A couple of old friends whom I invited to the wedding did not understand me and did not come. About twenty guests came, all my new acquaintances and people with whom I managed to make friends this year. In social networks, I decided not to cover the event.
In sorrow and in joy
To be honest, I was very worried before the ceremony. I was worried that my friends would not come or would not take it seriously. I even thought about canceling everything, but close friends supported and convinced that it was important for me and that they would be there. Until the last moment I could not find a suitable place for the event. My friends together with me combed the entire nearby forest to find a secluded and beautiful suitable place, and eventually found it on the mountainside, with bushes of huge white flowers and a view of the sea. I went out to my own anthem, Perukwa’s song Be Yourself. I walked along the path to the slope, and everyone looked at me as if spellbound, it was a special moment. Everything was truly sincere: it was a challenge to your fears and overcoming them - and it was felt.
I spent almost no money on the ceremony: we did everything on our own. Some friends made a cake, others made a certificate of solologiya (it was a surprise), everyone took food with them. My friend from the USA volunteered to be a “priest” - he made an opening speech about how I came to this decision and what was behind my choice. Then it was my turn to give a speech and take an oath. The ring was made by my friend: he himself sawed it out of a piece of metal.
I very carefully prepared promises to myself, it took many days to think about the text of the oath. She promised to make mistakes and forgive herself for them. Follow your own path, who would say anything. Respect the needs of your body and take care of it. Always do what I love - and say no if I go astray. Love yourself, respect and care - in wealth and poverty, in grief and joy - until the end of your days. For me it was the most important moment.
Then my friends approached me, congratulated, hugged and said that they began to treat the wedding itself differently and that this was the best and most sincere ceremony they had been at. Two Dutch couples who perceived the wedding as something obsolete told me that if the ceremony could be like mine, then maybe they should get married - in their own way. I think that they saw a sincere, honest ritual of promise - without the extra commercial tinsel that usually accompanies modern celebrations. If all I really wanted was a beautiful magic day, then that's exactly what happened.
The next morning I woke up and continued living with myself. The changes did not happen in one day, but I still feel them. It took the tension and the desire to be with someone in a pair, just “to be”, and the need to get married just for the sake of a tick. I see value only in the relationship itself, regardless of marriage, and I see value in an honest promise to each other, in ritual - but not in any way in a traditional ritual that has lost its original meaning. First of all, the ritual of self-acceptance was important to me. I'm twenty-nine and I'm cool.
Photo: vinbergv - stock.adobe.com
