Checklist: 10 signs that you have problems with sex
Olga Lukinskaya
In matters of sex, the concept of the norm is very wide - and what some consider common practice, for others may be unacceptable. However, there are a number of important principles, such as safety and active consent, that apply to all situations. We have selected ten signs of problems in sexual life, important no matter what gender or relationship you have.
1
Are you in pain
Physical pain during sex can occur in both men and women - in the latter case, it is called dyspareunia. Sometimes it can be associated with an uncomfortable posture or too large a member of a partner; sex may also be painful for some time after giving birth, but these feelings gradually disappear. If pain occurs regularly, and the reasons for it are not obvious - you should consult a doctor; it may be associated with an inflammatory or even neoplastic process, and it is necessary to undergo an examination.
The pain and the inability to have sex can also be caused by vaginismus, a condition where the vaginal muscles contract sharply. Most often, this condition is associated with experiences of violence or negative attitudes regarding sex. Sexologists and psychotherapists treat vaginismus in close cooperation with gynecologists. And, of course, if the pain arises due to physical inconvenience, it is worth saying about this partner and change the situation.
2
You don't like
Considering how many risks are associated with sex - such as unwanted pregnancy or infection - and how many additional measures need to be taken to prevent them, it would be a shame not to enjoy the process. Therefore, it is logical that you should not deal with it for reasons of pity for a partner or "marital debt" - in fact, you owe nothing to anyone.
We emphasize: it is not about the fact that in a healthy situation, any attempt to have sex should instantly cause joy - on the contrary, it is quite normal to experience fatigue or unwillingness sometimes. The main thing is to recognize these sensations and not to force yourself to do something that is not enjoyable at a particular moment.
3
Are you scared
Toxic feeling of fear can be associated with anything - and seriously poison life, including sexual. This problem should be solved by understanding the reasons: the fear of pregnancy goes away when using highly effective methods of contraception, and if the fears are connected with the experience of violence or physical pain, it is worth discussing this with a partner and contact a psychotherapist.
If you do not know what to expect from a partner, and are afraid of him - it seems that you are in an abusive relationship. Remember that violence is not only the use of physical force; humiliation, manipulation, threats are also types of abuse, and they should not be tolerated. Almost the only way to end violence in a relationship is to give up, although it is not at all easy.
4
You can't say no
This paragraph is a bit like the previous one - with the only difference that sometimes the inability to say “no” does not mean that there is violence in the relationship. In some cases, a person is just shy to refuse, he is embarrassed in front of a partner - what if he thinks that he is no longer interested or lost his attractiveness? When it comes to a frank conversation, a feeling appears that a considerable burden has been dropped from the shoulders - it turns out that there is nothing terrible about refusal.
Healthy sex is one that brings joy; if you feel bad, are worried about something, or you are simply “not up to it”, do not hesitate to explain the situation to your partner. Sex is not the only option of intimacy - perhaps right now you just have to hug and talk.
5
You do not accept rejection
Of course, respect for the right to say "no" is a mutual thing, and if a partner refuses to have sex, you should not be angry, annoyed and upset. Just like you, another person may be tired, worried about the news or work, feeling a drop in energy, or trite to be embarrassed because of a rumbling in the stomach.
Refusal does not mean that you are no longer loved or you have lost attractiveness for a partner. You may not pay attention to an episodic mismatch of desires - and if one of you has clearly decreased sexual desire, you should talk about it or even consult a doctor, because the reasons may be very different, from hormonal to age.
6
You do not like the amount of sex
The “norm” of the amount of sex, uniform for all, does not exist - although, according to some data, weekly sex correlated with the greatest feeling of happiness in stable couples. There are people among us who need a lot more or much less sex. Libido is an individual thing, and its reduction or enhancement may depend on many factors.
If you’re not enough all the time, don’t blame the partner for this and don’t push him, keeping in mind the right of every person to say no. However, if your mismatch of desires becomes critical, you may need to speak with a specialist. Do not forget about masturbation - this is not only the easiest way to experience an orgasm, but also the opportunity to better study your body, ease the pain during menstruation and fall asleep sweetly.
7
Are you embarrassed to discuss sex
Openness and the possibility of communication are the most important signs of a healthy relationship, and talking about sex also applies here. You should not rely on intuition (yours or your partner) - in fact, it’s not so easy to guess what exactly a person wants; ask a question and get an answer much easier.
The stigmatization of the topic of sex and the lack of neutral words in the Russian language denoting intimate parts of the body contribute to the fact that talking about sex is awkward and uncomfortable. And yet you do not need to be silent about your desires or about what is bothering you; confidential conversation is another way to get close.
8
You have not resolved the issue of contraception.
Fear of an unwanted pregnancy can negate all the joys of sex, and she herself can turn her whole life further. The “next morning” pill is safer than an abortion, but it is not recommended to abuse them: such contraception is not for nothing called emergency, and it is better to use it in the most extreme cases. Methods like interrupted intercourse or “safe days” are generally not considered reliable, although there are fairly efficient algorithms based on the calendar method.
While we are waiting for effective contraceptives for men, hormonal methods remain the most effective (99.9%). Dozens of drugs are now available, and if you could not find the right one the first time, it makes sense to try another one. For those who forget to drink pills, hormonal injections, vaginal rings, implants and intrauterine systems have long been invented. Another proven method is a copper-based intrauterine device. Finally, the simplest and without side effects means - condoms, just need to use them properly.
9
The issue with infections is also not resolved
In Russia, the epidemic of HIV infection, and the main route of transmission of the virus has become heterosexual contact. Unfortunately, many people find out that they are infected only when they are faced with a mandatory HIV test — for example, before surgery or during pregnancy. We wrote why an HIV test should pass each and where it can be done - and condoms remain the main means of prevention.
There are three important points: regular visits to the doctor and tests for different types of infections, use of condoms with a new partner by default, and in a stable couple - discussing the readiness to refuse condoms after everyone has passed the examination. Remember that you are not obliged to tell the doctor about the number of sexual partners (and the doctor should not ask such questions) - it is enough to inform you that you want to be examined.
10
You don't love your body
According to a study conducted at the University of Texas, women with the best perception of their bodies were more satisfied than others with their sex life. Complexes and dissatisfaction with themselves do not allow to enjoy sex - and vice versa, the love to your body and care about it help to have fun.
Physical activity often helps to become more self-confident - it’s not about losing weight or changing forms, but about admiring what your body is capable of. As usual, it doesn’t hurt to discuss the situation with a partner and make sure that they do not value you for their appearance - in healthy relationships, it takes far from the first place.
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