"You will not faint?": Men of partner childbirth
Joint deliveries have long been not uncommon (yesterday, for example, it became known that Prince William was present at the birth of the third child), but stereotypes are still associated with them. People are afraid that relationships will change, that the couple will no longer be able to have sex, that the observer will faint - and so on.
We have already talked with women about their experiences (including a lesbian couple), but most stereotypes about joint labor still concern men: from the idea that childbirth, like all that concerns children, is exclusively a “women's” business , before the idea that after the presence of childbirth a man is sure to lose the desire to have sex. We decided to talk with the men themselves, why it was important for them to be close to their partner, whether they were faced with stereotypes and whether they should be afraid of anything at all.
The birth of a child was a conscious step for my wife and I. I was thirty-five, she was twenty-nine. We postponed, found different reasons: there was no permanent housing, high income - but at some point we realized that it was time. I think, just morally ripe: for example, I was touched by the sight of children running around or just starting to walk.
Before my wife’s pregnancy, I didn’t think whether I was going to give birth or not - it was rather dependent on her desire. I was with her, because she was so calm, if she was uncomfortable - would stand next to the hospital. I didn’t feel any fear, and we were prepared: before pregnancy, we gave up alcohol and junk food, passed all tests, went to training courses during pregnancy, read literature on the topic, watched the video.
When I said that I would attend childbirth with my wife, everyone had a different reaction, but most did not understand. One of the friends, for example, said: "What are you doing, this is a purely feminine process - to see it all." And then I thought and added: "Although if my wife wanted, I would go too." I do not think that this is the "sacred duty" of every husband - everything is individual. For example, it seems to me to be normal, because in such a vulnerable state my wife and child may need help, both physical and moral. Someone does not understand this.
On the morning of the birth, I received an SMS from my wife (she was lying in the prenatal ward): “Begin, come.” I quickly got to her ward. In a hurry, we recalled what needs to be done so that everything goes well and is less painful. My wife was breathing, leaning on me. Then about thirty minutes she sat under a shower on the ball, and I was there, talking to her. Then the strongest fights began, and I just held her hand. Or rather, she squeezed mine. Further attempts went, I repeated: "Everything is super, come on, come on!" And looked at the work of professionals - a midwife and a doctor. Then bang: heard the cry of a daughter. And everything ran: now to my wife, now to my daughter, afraid to breathe.
Daughter was weighed, measured, wrapped, attached to the mother's breast. It's good that I managed to shoot at least a little on the phone. Then they gave it to me - it was wrapped in a stern blanket. I stayed with her for about twenty or thirty minutes in a separate room: I met her and introduced her to this world. He told her where she was, showed objects: this is a picture on the wall (I remember, Venice seems to have been painted there), a washstand, towels, a chair.
Excitement during childbirth was, but panic - no. Preparation helped a lot. Emotions? I do not know, maybe it was the same happiness? I tried to be collected, so I thought about it the least. In this state, my wife needed support, and I did everything to get her from me. This is the fateful moment of two people: a wife and a child. And I'm glad I was there. The most common fear I've heard about is that there may be problems with sex later. But I was not afraid of it, and even at the time of the appearance of my daughter I stood at the head of the chair. Did I see something startling me? Yes - I actually saw my daughter for the first time. This is the most significant moment in my life.
Naturally, I was going to attend childbirth - this is such a significant event that I wanted to go through it together. I even had no doubts. What is strange here? There are a lot of films in which relatives are present at childbirth. We told the doctor that we would have a partner childbirth, and she asked me: "Will you not faint?" I said no.
When my wife showed signs of labor, we immediately went to the maternity hospital (he was near our house). I remember, we sat in the waiting room, waited, the ambulance arrived. There was a sensation: right in the ambulance, the woman gave birth to twins. Then we went to the ward. Night, more and the storm began. Then the doctor punctured his wife (this procedure is called amniotomy; it is done strictly according to indications, usually to stimulate or accelerate labor. - Ed.), and she began terrible fights. I felt that I was needed: when she "turned off," I held her, wiped her with water. The midwives were not with us all the time, she almost ran to the end and said: “Everyone, go back to the head of the bed”. But I saw how a son was born: first a head appeared, then a hanger, and then the whole one came out — a small, wrinkled, wet one, as if after a shower. Yes, I saw everything, and it didn’t bother me - it turned out that there was nothing to faint.
First, they took blood from his son and some other tests, I took his picture - everything is very fast, I remember it as one second. Then he gave it to us - so pretty, sniffs. He was with us for half an hour: the staff left, and it was so calm - three in the morning, there was a thunderstorm on the street, and the three of us. But then the doctors came running, said that the child had a bad blood test (due to the fact that we have a conflict over blood groups) and that we should take it urgently.
When my wife was transferred to the ward, I went outside - I had to buy something. Summer, five in the morning, no one, but already light. I ran into the store, there were a saleswoman and a security guard. I began to collect food, although I wanted to run and shout: "Listen, that you are sitting here! My child was born!" Some miracles. I came home and could not sleep. On the same day I came to the child in intensive care. Everything ended well, after some time he was discharged.
Why do many men have such fears? Maybe they do not want to see a partner in this state? On the other hand, who should be there, if not her husband? One of my friends had recently had a baby, and I asked him if he would be in the ward during the birth. He replied: "What did I forget there?" When someone says so, I have a strange feeling that a person does not receive something. After birth, I came to work, someone told something, and I thought: "What are you rubbing up! My son was born, I attended the birth!"
I think a man should be in childbirth. Stupid comparison, but imagine: my wife saw that I had her belly cut, and then they sewed up. And what, something will change in our relationship? On the contrary, the relationship after childbirth more reverent. Generally, not going to give birth for me is the same thing as not taking your child for the first time in kindergarten or school.
At first, my wife and I did not discuss joint childbirth - it simply became something during the pregnancy that goes without saying, which we don’t need to agree on. Apparently, my wife and I were aware of how strongly we are connected with the creature that came into our life, and the resulting responsibility - each of us and our common. There was no place for fear in my head, I didn’t even think about what scared me before pregnancy - although I used to be afraid that after a partner birth I wouldn’t be able to have sex with my wife.
We went to the courses: the upcoming birth for us was a completely new experience, uncharted territory, in which there were a lot of gray areas. The more we learned, the more new questions and experiences appeared. But in the courses we received exhaustive answers (even to questions that had not yet been properly formulated), so we relaxed and were full of strength and confidence.
We had contract labor in a hospital with a separate midwife and a separate ward. When the contractions began, we went to the hospital, a midwife arrived a little later. The battle lasted a long time, most of the time the spouse spent in a large bath. I was there all the time and holding her hand. Everything progressed rather slowly - after about fifteen hours the situation practically did not change. Everyone was very tired, and then they decided to do epidural anesthesia. This made it possible to relax a bit; I was released into the empty neighboring chamber, where I could sleep for an hour and a half. Then the midwife woke me up, and in twenty to thirty minutes the delivery ended successfully. There was no fear, I worried within reasonable limits, more at the final stage.
The reaction of friends to the fact that we will have a partner childbirth, was expectedly different: from surprise and misunderstanding to approval and admiration, but mostly positive. I did not often come across stereotypes, but some future fathers said something like: “I don’t need to be there, I’ll just get in the way”. What would I answer to this? Afraid of this is not necessary, you can get all the information and make a decision. On the other hand, I do not agitate for the fact that joint birth - this is mandatory.
For me, this experience was very important. It is difficult to describe it in two words, and indeed with words. Here is the mystery of the birth of a human being, and the overwhelming boundless joy. My presence helped my wife: I think, first of all, she needed moral and psychological support, the ability to hold my hand, to feel close. It was natural for us to “meet” our child together. It seems to me that such a crucial moment in life unites the family and helps it rally. If we still have a child, we will be together again at the birth - this is not even discussed.
The first partner childbirth was the idea of my ex-wife. This proposal did not cause any response in me, but I took it as part of a partnership. With the current wife, we did not even discuss whether I would attend childbirth or not, but chose between births at home and in the hospital.
When we decided that we were going to the maternity hospital under a contract, I limited myself to watching youtube and answering frequent questions, since I helped psychologically more. I had no fears. From the others I heard only one stereotype about partner childbirth, in different variations, from women and from men: “How will you have sex later?”, “And then you can“ go there ”to look?” moment?" I will answer this way: sex or is, or not, for two or four years of living together you can have time to figure it out.
The first births with the second wife went like this: at 11:40 pm I sat at the computer and heard: “Beloved”, - turned my head and saw my wife in bed in a big puddle. By pure chance, the ambulance team was nearby and we arrived at the maternity hospital in less than twenty minutes. Having climbed the stairs with difficulty, we fell into the ward. My wife has already fully opened the cervix, forty minutes later a boy was born. I cut the umbilical cord. While the spouse was resting, my doctor and I went to wash and check the child - meconium was in the water (Newborn feces. - Ed.), but, fortunately, in the lungs and nose was clean.
During the second pregnancy, the wife went to the hospital at the forty-first week - so everyone is calmer, no need to go anywhere. Everything happened six days later: at 5:15 my wife called, at 6:15 I was in the ward, at 6:39 she gave birth, and at about ten in the morning she was transferred to the ward. In general, it seems to me that for parents, partner childbirth is important - so the father learns to participate in the child's life from the first minutes.
Photo: Universal Pictures, Warner Bros. Television