Again deuce: Where does shame come from and how to cope with it
Have you ever been like this: saw a friend on the street, happily waved - and it turned out to be another person? Or did you first hear the word "pleonasm" in a conversation with your friends and were afraid that it would be clear that you did not understand what you were talking about? Awkwardness and embarrassment, embarrassment and fading, anxiety and the desire to hide, the pursuit of success and a constant feeling of dissatisfaction, as well as much more serious things - panic attacks, depression, dependence - they can all be different manifestations of shame. Every day we encounter him, although we ourselves may not even be aware of it.
Shame is a negative reaction to ourselves, to who we are. In shame, we feel different from the "necessary" unworthy of the love and respect of important people for us. This is one of the hardest experiences that a person can face. Shame is ubiquitous - but why then do we so rarely notice it in ourselves? We understand the nature of this feeling and how to cope with it.
What is shame
When thinking about shame, specific events occur to many in which we notice our shame, and we can even name the moment of its appearance and reason. This is the so-called situational shame - it is tied to a specific case. It may seem that shame begins and ends with the event associated with it, but it is not. The shame is not discrete: you cannot feel it and forget once. Shame, which appeared in a specific situation, is based on our usual ideas about ourselves, on the feeling that something is wrong with us. He, as the tip of the iceberg, is a sign of deeper processes affecting the very center of our "I". Psychologists call this underwater part of an iceberg a deep, toxic, or introjected shame. “I can neither sing nor draw,” “If I don’t think well, I’ll definitely say something stupid” - it seems to us that we just know this about ourselves, which is an obvious fact. But it is not. Once, whether in childhood, in adolescence or in adulthood, we believed someone who said something similar about us, and we left it in the past and forgotten the situation when we were given this “knowledge” about ourselves.
Experiencing shame hurts: we feel emptiness, heaviness, loneliness. We hide it from each other and from ourselves, because we are afraid that if we show our feelings, it will be even worse. In shame, we are very lonely. Alone when trying to hide your true self from others. Alone when we succeed and others do not notice him (that is, do not notice ourselves!). Alone in constant tension: we are afraid that now everyone will see what we really are. We try to appear successful, good-natured or careless in talking with other people and we forget or do not have time to listen to our own feelings. Deep shame is easier to notice through actions and behaviors, and only then find it in sensations.
Why are we ashamed
For the first time we experience shame in childhood. Shame - the feeling that I am "not the same" as "necessary" - comes with the words of other people. As a rule, we hear the first embarrassing phrases from parents: “Why are you collecting all the puddles? All children, like children, go quietly, you are dirty one!”, “Stop clowning! Can't you stand still?”, “And do not be ashamed to you "Such a big boy, and crying!". But shame can appear in our life before the phrase "Shame on you!". The expressions of the parents' faces (friendly or sullen), the tone with which they approach us (calm or irritated), the way they are held on our hands (warmly or detachedly and with tension) - all these subtle relationships, attitudes, gestures help shape our knowledge of oneself becomes the foundation of our sense of "I." Through the attitude of adults - supporting and accepting or, on the contrary, cool and rejecting - the child gets a sense of self-worth or, on the contrary, a sense of uselessness and abandonment (that deepest shame).
Children are incredibly sensitive: the prohibition situation seems to be neutral for most of us adults, but for a child everything is different. If in the first months of life, parents enthusiastically join in any activity of the baby (reached for a rattle - “How great!”, Tries to sit down - “What a great person you are!”), Then they have a new task: to ensure safety of more and more restless child Scientists have calculated: when a child is 10 months old, almost all adult attention (90%) is aimed at encouraging and supporting his activity. When he is 13 months old, an adult gives a restraining or prohibiting message every nine minutes.
What happens at the time of the ban at the level of physiology? Braking and stopping where the child felt excited, expected something pleasant, suddenly interrupt the positive affect - all this is accompanied by a shock-like biochemical reaction. This forced restructuring (broken cycle of pleasure, rapid suppression of arousal, a sharp slowdown of the heart rhythm) is a great stress for a child’s body. The child enters a state that is not yet able to regulate automatically, which is typical for situations of helplessness and hopelessness. And the main component of this state is shame: the reaction to a forced stop, the need to restrain oneself.
If a person has a feeling of shame, it means that someone provoked it. And vice versa: if another person experiences shame while you - you are involved in this
Parents are not able to save the child from the first disappointments: to discover the boundaries and limitations of the world is one of the sides of growing up. But it is important that parents find a way to support the little man in this difficult process. What happens to the bond between parent and child in a ban situation? My mother was just near, warm and affectionate, but something happened - and now she looks cold and angry. “What happened? I did something wrong? I guess I’m bad myself, since my mother is doing this to me,” the child decides.
Shame comes in a situation where, along with "no", the child also hears "you are bad" or "I reject you." If, in forbidding phrases, love and care emanating from the parent sound, it becomes a valuable lesson - so the child learns to regulate himself in situations where something is unavailable to him. He learns that one can simultaneously feel intimacy with another person and experience frustration at not being able to get something. Through these first meetings with the boundaries of the world, the child comes to the skill of noticing, sustaining and respecting boundaries.
Shame is not only a child's experience, it also applies to current relationships. If a person has a feeling of shame, it means that something (and in fact, someone) has provoked him right now. And vice versa, if another person right now, in contact with you, is experiencing shame - you are involved in this: you are doing something that actualizes this experience in him. Paradoxically, although we experience shame as loneliness, or as our flaw that is the cause of this loneliness, we never experience it "alone with ourselves." Look closely: even when there is no one around, a figure always looms in our memories - someone who behaved disdainfully, devalued, did not notice us, did not know how to react, was careless with us and so on. There is always someone else who shares with us the responsibility for the emergence of a sense of shame - and this is the most important remark for those who are looking for ways to support themselves or others in this situation.
How to cope with shame
To notice and acknowledge shame is the first step towards liberation from it. It is extremely difficult to realize this experience, to see it directly in the moment and, as it were, from the outside. The main barrier for this is, as a rule, this feeling itself. Recall any awkward situation: faced with it, we try to hide our confusion. This is because it is also a shame to experience shame. In a state of shame, we feel vulnerable: our fragility, the fact that we depend on how other people treat us, becomes noticeable. The currently popular individualistic values ("I must manage myself", "A person must be strong") make it embarrassing that we are dependent on other people. In addition, we have almost no “dictionary” of shame: there are no suitable words to express what we feel, and our experiences become vague and incomprehensible. This is due to the fact that we are not accustomed to finding names for them, as well as the fact that shame first appears at an early age, in the preverbal period of development - when words for us still do not exist at all.
There is one more reason. If you just feel shame, ashamed, then fully live it, deeply feel - it hurts. In shame, we feel that we do not reach a certain "standard": "we do not deserve" the love and respect of people who are significant to us, are "unworthy" of the society of those who are interested and dear to us. We are unconsciously looking for any way to avoid shame. We switch attention to something else, get angry at ourselves or someone else, watch TV shows all weekend long, drink alcohol or smoke one cigarette after another, fanatically look after ourselves or work hard - there are many loopholes and ways to turn away from our own shame .
How can you notice shame? First of all ask yourself directly: do I feel it right now? Try to take a pause, breathe, listen to your bodily sensations. Pay attention to any muscle tension, similar to the desire to hide, disappear. Sometimes, for example, you can notice how, in shame, we round our back and shoulders, draw our heads in, strain our stomach, as if trying to group, shrink, contract. Another characteristic sign of shame is the look: when we are ashamed, it is very difficult for us (often it seems simply impossible) to raise our eyes, look at others, especially those who by their presence evoke this feeling in us. In addition, shame can be noticed by breathing: we begin to breathe intermittently and superficially, for a long time we hold inhale or exhale. And sometimes it seems that we do not breathe at all.
If you just feel shame ashamed, then fully live it - it hurts. In shame, we feel that we do not reach a certain "standard"
What are emotions and feelings in this situation? Frequent components of shame are confusion, confusion, fright. We perceive ourselves as small among adults, as stupid among intelligent, as boring among funny ones - we feel a cardinal and fatal difference from others, the impossibility of being accepted, being "together with everyone." Anger, discontent, aggression - a popular mask of shame. This is another way that consciousness resorts to, in order to avoid a collision with shame, to switch energy to something abstract.
Among the typical thoughts lead, of course, all forms of dissatisfaction with yourself: "How could I not have thought before ?!", "I always do stupid things!", "I will start a new life from tomorrow!", "It is unforgivable to ride such a wreck!". Often with these thoughts in the kit goes the imperative "I have to": "I have to take care of myself", "I have to settle this question", "I have to finish the job", "I have to be kinder" and so on. Such thoughts catch the most difficult. Learn your "language of shame." Finding shame in a situation from the past is always easier (and safer) than in the current one. Remember different situations and, if you find in them traces of awkwardness or shame, pay special attention to your feelings. You may become self-contained, frustrated and wilted, or perhaps you rush into battle, mentally attack the shameful in response, put on a mask of superiority or carelessness. Study your reactions to shameful situations - perhaps at some point right in such a situation, you suddenly notice a characteristic thought or gesture and remember: “Oh, it seems that this happens to me when I am ashamed.”
The training of mindfulness and sensitivity to shame radically changes the experience itself. It ceases to be imperceptible and elusive, it “detaches” from the background of our life and acquires concrete forms and outlines. It's not just “I feel somehow strange,” but “I feel that I cringe, it's difficult for me to look at my interlocutor, I barely breathe and feel miserable. I’m upset, but I can’t feel sorry for myself, that I myself am guilty that I am so. It seems that I am terribly ashamed right now. " Another small step - and you can see what kind of pain this experience brings us. Another small step - and you can start talking about it.
One of the surest antidotes to shame is to share feelings with another, meaningful person.
Shame is the experience of inner isolation, loneliness, incomprehensibility and non-acceptance. One of the surest antidotes to it is to share feelings with another, significant person for you. Often shame arises when we contact people who are difficult for us to trust. In such a situation, preliminary suspended conversation can help. Read about shame together, discuss this topic with abstract examples or recall situations that happened to you before. This topic will be easier to return if the shame arises directly between you.
Such a conversation may clarify the situation and restore trust in the relationship, but it is important to approach him carefully, carefully, to find the optimal form so as not to blame or shame the other person in response. When we are confronted with a sense of shame, we need the support of those close by. We feel that we are moving away from people who are important to us, and we feel the need to reconnect with them so that they accept us as we are. This need is a good opportunity to tactfully and gently talk about your shame with those who we feel are involved in it. Such a conversation can be the beginning of a large and meaningful discussion, it is an opportunity to share desires and expectations from each other. In such a conversation, we begin to feel again its significance for another person. Which means getting rid of shame.
PHOTO: Wikimedia Commons (1, 2, 3)
