What to do if you find out about partner cheating?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. Therefore, we asked a professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
What to do if you find out about partner cheating?
This will be learned in different ways. Someone notices changes in behavior, someone abstractly feels that “something is wrong”, others are in the world of illusions to the last, until suddenly someone “sympathetic” tells everything directly. No matter how it turns out and how you yourself at first tried to get to the bottom of the truth, the closer it is, the greater the denial. You start to come up with an excuse, to look for some reason, which may be a crisis, fatigue, but not a betrayal. Most often, everyone finishes the same way, suspicions make them check mail-phone-messengers - and sooner or later, material material evidence appears that can be re-read or revised, again and again harassing oneself. Now what to do with this information and how to proceed?
OLGA MILORADOVA psychotherapist
If we started talking about treason, then first we need to determine what treason is. Treason is essentially the failure of one of the partners to fulfill previously given mutual obligations, which is ultimately perceived as a betrayal. And often already at this stage you can see a huge problem - perhaps you and the spouses exchanged rings. Perhaps you are partners, gathered together, introduced your parents and started a doggie. And, perhaps, you believe that now your obligations towards each other become automatically understandable.
This is where a problem of many arises, namely the problem of communication: in order for someone to betray someone, this someone must first promise something to someone. And it often turns out that in fact very few people even talked about loyalty, about the admissibility of sex, affection, falling in love with someone else and what will follow. Given the fact that our society is still quite patriarchal, in the absence of agreements, there is a great chance for a husband to equate women's flirting with treason - and at the same time assuming one-time sex on the non-committal side for himself. And given that society is still changing and such phenomena as polyamory and others appear in it, it’s not at all the fact that the girl with whom you started dating will by default be monogamous.
If you have never really discussed anything, you believe that women are from Venus, and men are from Mars, and therefore the only conversations between you concern the color of the walls in the bathroom or the question of who will take the child from the kindergarten - then you can’t read, and go straight to the family therapist and learn by building bricks to build relationships. But if you are still good and clever, know how to share emotions with a partner, make joint decisions by consensus, and in the process of building relationships, they discussed everything, found sex and falling in love with someone "other than" unacceptable, but they changed you, the question arises how to be and what to do.
One of the prerequisites leading to treason is not sexual dissatisfaction, but emotional
Universal solutions do not exist, but there is a universal way to make a decision - and this, again, communication. Even if you did not agree, still gather your strength and try to discuss: what, why and how happened between you. Never make decisions on the spur of the moment, think carefully about everything, if you do not understand something, ask for the fifth, tenth time, but, most importantly, refrain from accusations and obzyvatelstvov and at any cost try to maintain a reasonable dialogue. For the emergence of adultery must be some prerequisites, and with a fair discussion, you can easily identify them.
One of the frequent prerequisites leading to treason is not sexual dissatisfaction at all, but emotional dissatisfaction. Suppose your relationship is long and you are used to each other. You stopped laughing at your partner's jokes or, wrinkling your nose, dodging kisses. Maybe you just do not find the time to listen to him, or fool around, or hug. Often, when some kind of cooling occurs, a more emotional partner begins to feel some kind of emptiness, lack of love, lack of something, and if circumstances arise under which someone appears who can provide this return to him, then he may well be tempted by such a prospect. This is where an important point arises, thanks to which all this can be prevented. Mature people, between whom there is trust, instead of looking for completeness on the side, first of all try to talk and, perhaps, even ask for the attention that is lacking. It is actually very difficult - it’s just important to be able to ask. But since many people associate such an action with humiliation, then perhaps the moment is missed and betrayal has occurred.
In this situation, the fact of betrayal means more an attempt to save the relationship than to destroy them, but to save in such an awkward way. But what to do after that is up to you. It is important to understand that this fact will not dissolve anywhere, will not disappear and, most likely, will emerge periodically. If a promise is broken, regardless of the motives of the deed, the consequence will be a loss of trust. If you are also jealous, then this will add to you an eternal wound for every day. If you understand that you cannot live with it, despite the feelings and a lot of good things that happened, if you understand that it will eat you from the inside, then it is better not to hesitate and leave before you finally hate each other. But if you are ready to reconcile with this, accept the mistake of making it a lesson for yourself, change something in order to prevent new voids from appearing in the partner, then your couple has good chances to get out of this remake scruffy, but more mature and wise.
The myth that a man is naturally polygamous and sometimes can and should be shaped by the “example” of friends and colleagues.
There are less "respectful" prerequisites. For example, the very clichéd assumption that a man is naturally polygamous and sometimes he can and should. Such an idea is not always recognized immediately, and sometimes it is formed over time, thanks to the “example” of friends and colleagues, forming a tendency that it’s not my fault, it’s such a world. Just in case, I will once again mention that this is a myth, and it is rather difficult to compare abstract female and male sexuality, since for every person, regardless of gender, the libido can be more or less pronounced. If you are confronted with this situation and want to maintain a relationship, you will have to accept not only the fact of betrayal, which you have just learned, but also consciously agree with the fact that you will be changed in the future. However, if you consciously agreed with the hypothesis of a purely male polygamous, then in this case, as part of your new agreement, such behavior will not be considered a betrayal or betrayal.
And since the conversation about a possible mismatch of the libido of partners has already come, then such a problem can undoubtedly arise. If one of the partners has a greater need for sex than the other, then betrayal can be caused by purely physiological features. Most often, in this case, betrayal occurs while intoxicated, when there is a likelihood of losing control of consciousness, and it is even possible to get “permission”: I’m not guilty, because I was drunk. And again, the decision is yours. If you decide that this relationship is important to you at all costs, you will have to reckon with the needs of your partner and either begin to make efforts to satisfy them yourself, or think about making the relationship more or less open. At least in this way you can achieve honesty, if you, of course, can get along with such honesty.
But still the greatest shock can be the discovery of a parallel reality next to you. When your seemingly beloved person has long been living with someone else, perhaps a very similar, and maybe a completely different life. Perhaps, as a child, he recruited unconditional maternal love and you alone are not enough to fill these voids. Perhaps this is caused by something else, but the fact remains: a relationship is, above all, trust, mutual understanding and honesty. And if you managed to form all this parallel space, then you, most likely, are very far removed from understanding what is happening in the mind of the person with whom you live. Nevertheless, he may also suffer. And has the right to be heard. However, this right does not oblige you to anything more.