My worst breakup: Women about hard partings
We talk a lot about relationships - how couples live together, what obstacles they overcome to get married, and how they solve difficult issues. But nothing less than success stories are important and failures: we talked with several heroines about what their most difficult partings were, how they managed to survive it and what they could learn from this experience for themselves.
To be honest, this separation was not the most difficult - but it was the most dramatic, like in the movies. In 2012, I traveled around Colombia and on a tiny island where there is not a single car, I fell in love with a local one. About half a year we called up, made plans for the future, and I again flew to Colombia. It must be said that Colombians from large cities are suspicious of “kostenos” - people from the coast. But I am against stereotypes, so I decided that I should try.
About a week and a half on the second trip, I managed to get an offer and a beautiful ring and visit the island where one person lives - the keeper of the lighthouse. Then I sailed on a boat to Cartagena, and he lingered on the island to work. I called - and the former takes his phone and tells me that she, first of all, is not the former. Secondly, another girl is currently pregnant by him. Third, while I was gone, he was with the Englishwoman Rose and with someone else. Do not believe it, but I googled the name of the island, its name - and found the blog of an English woman Rose, with unequivocal photos and stories. Then I realized that it was time to end this relationship.
And suddenly he calls and says that at night the former climbed into the house, scratched his face, scattered my things from the suitcase - and tore the passport and threw it into the sea. I asked to bring all my belongings to me urgently - and when he brought them, returned the ring, slammed the door behind him and began to call the Russian consulate in Bogota to fly back without a passport. In the end, everything worked out, I was allowed to use another document on the domestic flight of Cartagena - Bogota, they issued a certificate at the consulate, I still managed to visit Russian friends in Bogota, and they even let me out of the plane in Barcelona, since I am a resident of Spain - and I I was worried, because on the certificate from the consulate it is written that she gives the right to return to Russia.
It is always hard for me to give up partings, there are thoughts to return everything - but with this it was easier, the distance definitely made it clear that it would not be possible to return. Of course, there was an understanding that I did not need it. And debauch and drunkenness help me cope with a lump in my throat and rolling tears: like many others, first there were several random connections after this break, then I was advised to have a dating site. I signed up, and after a week I deleted the profile, because I met a person with whom I plan to grow old. He also deleted the profile after a week. We have been together for more than four years, we have a son, and all previous relationships and separation seem to me to be some kind of nonsense.
We met in inter-faculty Spanish courses. We talked a lot online, we greeted the university, but we didn’t openly pay attention to each other. I always felt my “inadequacy” - I thought that I was not erudite enough, not beautiful enough, I had problems with communication, I was studying in the senseless faculty of journalism. He has one of the best secondary schools in Moscow, an intelligent family, he is a high athlete. I was twenty-two, he was nineteen.
By the end of the school year, my father suddenly died - for me it was a trauma and a turning point. But our relationship began with this: he offered support. We incredibly loved each other, but because of my grief and his inexperience as a couple, we were not for long - it lasted three months and was very painful. He often made me "funny" remarks, for example, about my appearance ("Look at how the girl I slept with before you gets dressed. She has taste, dress the same way") and education ("You don’t know that? Not surprisingly, still work and work "). We rarely saw each other, since he was busy studying and working, although I tried to see him at least for a couple of minutes a day - we studied in the same building. When asked why in two weeks he found time to meet with the ex-girlfriend, but not to me, he reacted very sharply.
During the session, we talked a little - I exhausted myself, thinking about him every second. A friend saw my breakdown as I lay on the floor in tears. And then I took and wrote him an SMS. Yes, we broke up by SMS - I could not find the strength to meet. Dissatisfaction with his own body in six months resulted in anorexia. We did not have sex, but for two years after that relationship I could not undress in front of a man because of constraint. The humiliating feeling that I do not understand anything in culture and art has resulted in the fact that I have been extracting new knowledge for days — of course, without receiving any pleasure. If I saw him at the institute, my mind was sick, I was a vegetable on pairs and simply did not hear the people around me.
Three years have passed. There is not a day when I would not have thought about him - but for a long time without tenderness and the desire to correct something. You can write a whole book about working with your own body and making it - this is a monotonous and long way. Now I am self-educated only in pleasure and in comfortable volumes. Every day new revelations take place: for example, only two weeks ago I freely felt myself in a big company. Little by little I understand that I am a beautiful, erudite, interesting girl, that my shoulders can be opened at plus thirty (he said that I am a wardrobe), that I can wear separate bathing suits and that I am not ashamed to not know something.
He is a copy of my father, so it is not surprising that my love for him was so strong and intensified one hundred times because I recently lost my father. It seems to me that he understood that I was a beautiful, smart girl, and with jokes and remarks, I wanted to hold me in, so that I did not feel in myself the strength to leave. I think my injury overlaps with his inexperience and fear. I have a new love, adult, serious, without omission and with full understanding and acceptance of each other. To say that I would trade it for him is to lie. But, frankly, I am not sure that if I accidentally met him on the street after years, I would not embarrassedly cover my shoulders and mumble under my breath, and my heart would not be beating so hard that passers-by would hear it.
I experienced the most difficult parting in 2012, although we finally broke up only in March of this year - for the third, maybe the fifth time, I already gave up counting. In total, with all the breaks, the relationship lasted about seven years. We met in chatroulet, then, after a short candy-bouquet period, we gathered, lived together for a couple of years and parted ways. It was like an apocalypse for me: my mother has cancer, the boyfriend changes me regularly (I found out later), she goes to her mistress (fines came, a fake trip came to light), she is terribly jealous of all men and sometimes even with other people.
After the separation, we tried to live together a couple of times and in October last year we rented a separate apartment - before that we lived with our parents. We lived for about six months, and during this time I clearly understood that I no longer love him and that I cannot truly forget the betrayal, so that I can open up and trust the person again. Insane jealousy on his part constantly led to scandals, I collected things several times and wanted to leave, but I never could. It was like the Stockholm syndrome: he said that I had no right to communicate with other men, shouted and raised his voice, I was silent, wept, nodded and justified him in my head. At some point after the next scandal, he came up to me and said softly: "Let us leave for good today." I agreed, packed my things, called a taxi and left the same evening. She cried, sighed with relief and realized that she was free.
Now it is not so important for me who said the final phrase, I no longer try to understand what, how and why. Of course, I repeatedly looked for reasons - in myself, childhood, the world, other men I had ever met, friends and again in myself. After the first parting, I seemed to be in an emotional vacuum: the rejection of the gap led to the fact that I no longer feel anything at all. The inspiration, the thirst for life and the desire to get up in the morning in general disappeared. I wrote lists of his shortcomings and merits (the first was always more), wrote how I feel good without him and badly with him, read articles about psychological violence, dug into myself.
Very random but fundamental things helped to get out: constant tactile contact with water, cleanliness and personal hygiene, the book “The Artist's Way” and an article about the women's running club Girl & Sole. I was absent-minded, I forgot to wash and eat - and when you forget about basic needs, you do not notice how smoothly it gets worse and worse. I started to run systematically, I registered for the half marathon in Paris, and everything gradually passed.
After all this, I realized that I could not forgive conscious betrayal and conscious betrayal. I realized that I should be well and comfortably, and that one should never be silent or stand idle when you feel bad. Since then, I began to listen sensitively to my desires, forebodings and fears and stopped being afraid to share my experiences with my partner.
These were my first "normal" relations in every sense. We saw each other almost every day, talked and laughed a lot - in general, absolute trust and grace reigned for six months, until my ex suddenly lost interest in me. We stopped talking to each other all day long, began to see less often, he increasingly complained about his suddenly spoiled mood, and I had to make more and more efforts to somehow keep the conversation going. It would seem, too, but it turned out so bad that I wanted to either hit him or cry. He just stopped loving me. Nevertheless, I did not offer to leave, but took a waiting position and waited for some kind of miracle.
Literally a month later, at some sort of lame party, we met a girl whom my ex fell in love with immediately. I left the party earlier, not even assuming that one evening would be enough for him to violate all monogamous conventions. After that, something strange happened: he began to constantly call his friends home for loud parties, began to drink more and never called me with him - but he called her. I was getting worse: dreams and thoughts of a suicidal nature, constant tears, depressed state.
I realized that without the help of a doctor I could not do it. I asked him to take a short break so that I could be treated by a psychiatrist (I was given a drip for about a week, because of which I could only sleep and lie on the sofa). “It's good if you feel so bad,” he said, pretending that he had nothing to do with it. All this time, his relationship with the new girl went uphill, she stayed with him for the night. He told me about it only once - I made a scandal, and he swore that he did not feel anything about her. I believed solely because of internal misguine: it seemed to me that he could not exchange me for a "such" girl. Very stupid and embarrassing.
In the end, he frankly deceived me, saying that he would meet with friends, although he was with her. The very next day he offered to leave. I was very angry, but I promised myself that I would try to recover in a couple of weeks. After some time, he said that I should not expect that we would be together again (as if I wanted or asked for it), because they started dating. I knew perfectly well that everything happened, why was it to beat me again?
But I recovered pretty quickly - thank God, I had friends who supported me in this situation. It is very important, plunging headlong into relationships, to maintain intimacy with other people. I completely stopped communicating with him - finally insulted his new girl and sent him to the black list in all social networks. After a couple of months, I decided to change my anger to mercy and unblocked it. Almost immediately, he began to ask to return. After much persuasion and dramatic dialogue, I agreed. Later, I realized that it was not the remaining feelings, but the desire to take revenge on the opponent. At my insistence, he told her that we were together again.
We met for another six months, and it was very bad. I completely stopped trusting him and constantly suspected that he was still feeling something in relation to that girl. This comeback brought me nothing but a sudden hate, a complete lack of sexual attraction to the partner and nervous tension. We parted on my initiative, but he agreed almost immediately. This time I didn’t feel anything but relief, happiness and freedom - it was amazing.
This relationship has become a great trauma for me, which still consumes me with a new guy. I do not trust, constantly waiting for betrayal and in general I feel that I am not worthy of love, because once I have already been exchanged for another person. I have to constantly struggle with the desire to maintain a distance. But there is also good news - I had to face the internal mis-face to face, and it was really disgusting. I was looking for the worst in my rival, blaming her for the collapse of my relationship. After it was all over, I felt incredibly embarrassing - I even wanted to apologize to her for the insult left in a fit of anger, so now I keep my mizogini in check.
My most difficult parting lasted about five years. We then converged, then dispersed, began to meet with other people, made scandals, wept, repented and converged again. These relations were difficult because we lived according to the classics of psychology - we walked along the edges of the Karpman triangle, as it turned out. Finally, we broke up when I realized that he turned out to be an ordinary asshole, who is spinning along with me (or rather trying to turn) with two more naive girls.
The initiator of the separation was me. Dirty tricks are dirty tricks, but in this situation I’m quite happy with myself. I got into his phone and only after direct evidence of his guilt, which I would not find anywhere else, I could refuse from this relationship. God knows how much more it could go on and how much nerves, time and money I could spend on it.
I recovered from the situation thanks largely to the very girls. After I learned that I had been in a love polygon for a couple of years, I decided to inform everyone who seemed unaware; unfortunately, I'm still not sure that there are only four characters in our polygon. We played the game "Continue the phrase" a couple of times, and it turned out that he built relations with all of us according to the same scheme, using the same expressions. After that, all his desperate attempts to get to the bottom of one of us were instantly put into a general chat and were firmly stopped. At the time, we turned into a group of anonymous addicts, where all were curators of each other. And a little later, we all had new relationships. This time with three different men.
We are still friends with girls, they are wonderful, interesting and very talented. Zhenya and Katya instantly sang in the literal sense of the word and formed a musical group. It turns out that in addition to the invaluable experience and a pair of gray hair from this situation, I made two excellent friends. Hope this is for life.
We lived together with a partner for several years - and then I fell in love with another person very much and realized that it would be unfair to continue living together. I did not really explain to him the reasons, and he did not understand what was the matter. I moved away from him, but after a while our relationship improved, we began to visit each other and act like a couple again. At the same time, the new love didn’t give me peace and made me nervous: I lost weight, cried from loneliness, cut my long hair into an ultrashort haircut, made a new tattoo, tried to somehow manipulate my lover and didn’t be too calm at all. I could not get a new person out of my head, although after a short novel, our relationship clearly did not add up. At the same time, I did not fully understand whether I was ready to give up the long relationship that I already had and which could not be broken.
With the first partner, everything ended suddenly and in one day: I found out that he started dating another girl, whom I introduced them to. Relationships with the person with whom I was unhealthy in love, have not improved. He went to live in another country, although he occasionally reminded himself again - we talked, then no. It was also impossible to build new relationships: for several years I was obsessed with this man and other people seemed to me not good enough and worthy.
I do not want to blame, but I hope that this story will not happen to me again. I look at issues of honesty in relationships and what I can afford when communicating with partners. Still, while I was alone, I brought out the rule not to start a relationship with those who already have someone, no matter what people tell about this relationship.
All that helped me to recover - this is the time and support of loved ones. Ни вечеринки, ни новые отношения, ни путешествия, ни физические нагрузки не давали мне переключиться. Ещё немного помогло прекратить общаться, в том числе и в соцсетях - мне кажется, взаимные лайки и просмотр ленты бывших партнёров неприятны и вам обоим, и вашим новым пассиям. Спустя четыре года я понимаю, что меня отпустило окончательно. Однажды я наконец встретила другого хорошего человека.
Photo: amstockphoto - stock.adobe.com, gemenacom - stock.adobe.com, kovaleva_ka - stock.adobe.com