Do not keep in yourself: Why you need to be angry - and how to do it right
Anger is a very ancient emotion. Any animals periodically feel dissatisfied if their basic needs are threatened. For a person, anger is one of the basic experiences. It is believed that there are only four of them: fear, sadness, rage and joy. Recently, surprise has also been added to this list.
And although we are all angry, this behavior is usually condemned: unlike joy, this emotion is considered “negative” and “unpleasant”, and many people would like in principle never to experience it. We understand why we should not do this, why we need anger, and how to express it so that it does not leave any destruction behind it.
Anger, Hate, Malice
Tonsils, or tonsils, are actively involved in the formation of rage in the human brain (by the way, the centers responsible for fear are located in them). The amygdala reacts to threat signals from the outside world, so that, according to nature, anger is needed just for this — it is an emotion-weapon. Unlike fear, it motivates us to defend ourselves by attacking, and from the “hit or run” dilemma choose the first option.
In an angry person, the level of adrenaline and norepinephrine increases in the blood, the heartbeat increases (therefore, sometimes we blush when we are angry), the blood supply to the muscles increases (so that we can fight). You may notice that if you get angry, your whole body is tense. The mimic is also changing: for many, the wings of the nose swell up and the upper lip tightens - hello to the beast grin.
In general, anger is a defensive and defensive reaction. The ability to restrain its manifestations is necessary for us to socially adapt. To tame bursts of rage in one degree or another can all animals living in groups - otherwise they simply could not exist in the team. But the farthest in this idea was man. Since rage is a manifestation of our "animal" nature, it is frightening, and its physical manifestations can be destructive, our culture has gradually imposed a taboo not only on the manifestation of aggression, but also on the mention of this emotion, and even on the feeling itself in all its varieties: anger, hatred, envy, gloating, desire for revenge. So the constructive idea of not throwing a fist at the offender and not spreading the furniture turned into a toxic thought: it is believed that even anger is bad.
Such ideas can be found in religious communities, among people who are keen on Eastern philosophy, and simply in working groups. In many families it is forbidden to express anger towards parents in any, even verbal form. Sometimes it is broadcast directly: "You can not be angry at my mother!" Often the “appropriateness” of anger is ranked depending on the hierarchy in the family: for example, children can’t get angry at all, dad can do a little, and mom can do it because she is “very tired” (or vice versa: mom can only sometimes, and dad is free shows anger).
"It is immoral"
Why are these ideas toxic? It’s impossible to stop being angry at the physiological and biochemical level. And do not. Emotions cannot be "bad" and "good"; our emotional system in a sense is simply a complex organ of perception, like hearing, sight or touch. To want to stop experiencing a certain feeling is like wanting to lose your hearing or sight by force of will.
A person who pretends not to feel anger must create a false personality, which is very different from himself. But since anger “leaks out” anyway, when someone violates borders or somehow threatens a person’s security, anger can take on distorted forms: turn into arrogant “pity”, contempt, and the like. A person who cannot admit that something has caused a fit of anger in him is trying to rationalize aggression and bring some principles under it: moral, scientific, ethical. That is, when one cannot simply admit that "it infuriates me," one has to say that this or that (generally neutral) act or phenomenon is totally unacceptable: "It undermines the foundations of society," "It is immoral," "It is unnatural."
When a person is forced to deny anger even at the level of internal sensations, this leads either to the fact that he turns anger on himself or to the fact that he passively shows aggression
The fear of strong feelings arises when people do not share the emotion and its immediate expression. Anger is perhaps one of the most powerful feelings - that is why a particularly strong taboo has been imposed on it. So, in response to the offer of a psychologist, “try to feel your anger and displeasure in contact with people” can be heard from a client: “And what am I now to beat everybody?” This is just an example of how a person does not distinguish between feeling and reaction.
Such inseparability of emotions and immediate reactions to them in psychotherapy is called "response." In this case, the person does not have the strength or mental structures to keep the feeling inside himself, to transform it somewhat, and only then choose a reaction that is appropriate. Instead, he immediately splashes out his anger - and not always in direct form. Many taboos of aggression against other people are so strong that anger at them turns into self-hatred and is expressed, for example, in self-harm or risky behavior.
Another example of immediate indirect expression of anger is passive aggression. This phenomenon got its name in the forties of the last century - its roots are precisely in the attitude that anger is absolutely unacceptable. Passive aggression allows us not to express it directly, but to make the other person feel bad, eventually angry at us and, perhaps, relieve from his presence or from activities that you do not want to do. These are indirect manifestations of anger: spreading rumors behind their backs, rolling their eyes, various “double messages”, when a person voices conflicting requests or phrases or speaks one word and mimics the opposite; as well as various sabotage - forgetting, overdue, regular late.
Permission to the senses
Why is it good to be in touch with your anger? As we said above, the fact that you are not aware of anger does not mean that you are not angry. Quite the contrary: due to the fact that you are not aware of your feelings, you lose the ability to control how they manifest. And even people who do not feel their anger, worse understand themselves, their needs, desires and limitations. To understand what we like, you need to be able to distinguish what you don’t like at all. Any online controversy is a great platform to see how people struggle with ill-perceived aggression. From a simple response, to shake up another person, to go personal, to put it firmly - to more subtle ones - to devalue something important for others, to make a cynical remark, to troll.
Many in this case the question arises: is it possible to express anger ethically? Yes it is possible. The first step towards an environmentally friendly and civilized expression of anger is to allow yourself to be angry. This does not mean that you should allow yourself uncontrollable flashes of aggression - it’s about allowing yourself to feel anger at the level of emotions, inside. By the way, even this step sometimes takes years of psychotherapy. In our society, ideas of sacredness are very strong: for example, you cannot be angry with parents, especially mother, because she is holy, towards older people, dead and dead, in some communities it is considered unacceptable to be angry with authoritative people: teachers, teachers, bosses. Allowing yourself to experience any feelings is a huge step.
Anger is most often personal. Even when a person claims that he cannot tolerate a certain group of people, more often than not, someone who is very angry, has similar or similar signs, has angered him.
These two first steps, which do not belong to the very expression of anger, are the most difficult. When the real object of anger is found, the question arises as to what to do - but now rather not with anger, but with trespassing, threatening or discomfort, which, as we remember, gives rise to anger as a defensive reaction. When anger is situational, and the situation as a whole is safe, a good option is to tell the addressee about your anger or that some behavior is unacceptable using “I-messages” (that is, to talk about your own feelings and wishes, trying not to slip into accusations and insults). In a situation where it is not safe to voice anger, it is better to try to leave the problem area, whatever it is - a party with unpleasant people or a company where people are mistreated by employees. Finally, the most difficult option is anger, which continually occurs in close relationships in response to certain actions of a partner, relative, child. Here, paired or individual psychotherapy may help: the fact that the reaction occurs regularly may indicate some more complicated problem situation.
In any case, remember: the idea that anger is a “bad” emotion that you need to get rid of as soon as possible is hopelessly outdated. Listen to yourself and your feelings - perhaps it is anger that will be the impetus that will help you understand what situations in your life should be paid attention to and where changes are needed.
