"Not good enough": Girls on whether to change for the sake of partners
We often try to entice loved ones with our interests.and there is nothing bad in it - people generally influence each other. But if one of the participants in the relationship is changing all the time at the request of the other, this may be a bad symptom. We talked with several girls who changed themselves or their lives for the sake of partner and relationships, and found out how it ended for them.
Interview: Irina Kuzmichyova
Anastasia
I had a very stupid young man - but when we started dating, he seemed free, creative, sublime and cosmic to me. I always had the feeling that I was not good enough for him. I tried to share his views, I was ready to work on relationships, to support my hero in any difficulties. Pay for both of us in a cafe? Okay. To go home in the evening by train? No problems. Close your eyes on being late at two o'clock without warning? Everything is good.
About six months later, I began to be offended, upset, make scandals because of all these manifestations of indifference and irresponsibility. To that, with the intonation of the actor Taganka, he answered: "It is not I who upset you - it is you yourself who are upset." He regularly explained to me that I was angry, aggressive, and could have been "like Maryana, who practices yoga, does not eat meat and very calmly reacts to irritating factors." Marianu he cited as an example often. At first I was jealous, but then other examples were added - men and women. Then I thought: what if the truth? What if I stop eating meat, I can reduce the cruelty in this world and learn to avoid aggression? And she stopped.
He encouraged me and rejoiced. I felt light, I did not have discomfort. So lasted about one and a half years. I closed my eyes to his girlfriends, with whom he was not engaged in dancing, or he was talking about lofty matters. And then it turned out that he was not an ideological, but just a liar: he treated them to ice cream with my money, and he ate chicken in the evenings. One day, I saw him cooking his chicken nuggets. I rounded my eyes: "How is that? A chicken?" He replied: "You know what they are made of, there is no meat there either." I realized that I no longer could and did not want to believe him, he even lies to himself. After this incident, he continued to deceive in other things. We broke up, and I am glad that this relationship has not turned into something serious. I got the experience - and vegetarianism, and communication with people who should be avoided. Concluded: you need to change only for yourself.
Man is a rational being that grows up, develops, adapts to new conditions, learns, changes. But to ask and even more to force the other to change is incorrect. Correct to seek a compromise. Compatibility in domestic issues plays a very large role in relationships. If there are many irreconcilable differences, it is better to find out as soon as possible and, if you can not agree, to disperse.
Yana
I sacrificed myself in a relationship because of the fear that I would be dissatisfied with me. I did not notice how this feeling settled in me: my space was not enough, I stopped talking about what I wanted, and to meet with those I missed. Because my partner absolutely everything caused jealousy or discontent. I will not say that I was once meek, weak, compliant - and in these relations I was also like a tank. But then something else happened: it was as if I closed because it was terrible that they would not accept me like that.
There was a period when I didn’t work and could not get up before dawn. Every time when the alarm clock rang at six in the morning, I was so eager to hear: "Sleep, love, I will prepare breakfast for myself and stroke the clothes." But no. I got up. And cooked this damn breakfast. And ironed clothes. And I was scared to experiment at least once - what would happen if I did not do it. Then I went to work. My working day began at ten, at eight. We worked nearby, I drove her to work and came to my place two hours earlier. And again I wanted to hear: "Oh shit with him, I will finish it myself", but no. It is difficult to say why I continued to do this - most likely, because, according to her, I was well able to take care. As if these breakfasts and ups at six in the morning I was earning immunity for myself, which, like in a computer game, I would certainly spend on the next levels of interaction with it.
I, in turn, asked my partner to quit smoking and stop drinking huge doses of alcohol at parties. But most importantly, I asked to talk with me, and not to go into myself and not to think that I would understand any dissatisfaction without words. Talk to solve problems together, work on mistakes and become the best. I asked her to go to a psychologist together.
Six months later, our story ended. Now I ask myself: how did it get me? I used to think that relationships are endless butterflies and fireworks. A couple of years ago, I approached relations as shoes: either it is comfortable and does not shake from the first step, or it is sent to the garbage. Now I understand that this is the endless work of the two partners, and above all - the willingness to go on dialogue, and not to think that progress has gone so far that people have learned to read each other’s thoughts. And I also remember the sacramental phrase of my psychologist: "We are entering into a relationship in order to improve the quality of life." So no more bullying at yourself and your partner.
Natasha
I am by nature a toned-up girl - not skinny, rather normostenik. Not everything suited me in my appearance, there were complexes - but by the age of twenty I was instilled with confidence that if I could not build my personal life, the reason was in two extra centimeters at the waist. At about the same time, a man came across who hinted that he liked thin people, and added that he would be glad if I lost some weight. "Bingo!" - I thought. We talked only a couple of weeks, but he seemed to me perfect, and I gladly jumped at the idea of losing weight so that he fell in love. On enthusiasm, change was easy. For a month I lost weight from 53 to 45 kilograms.
At first he really actively showed interest. But it began to hurt me that he was making compliments to my figure, not noticing that I was literally melting before my eyes. The more I wanted to draw his attention to myself and tried to achieve model parameters, the cooler he treated me. When losing weight became my end in itself, his interest disappeared, as he did. Apparently, he felt that next to him was not an interesting and loving girl, but an insecure creation, which also suffers from eating disorder. Who would like it? He stopped talking, and six months later he met the girl he married. By the way, she is smart, but not very thin.
Love did not work. But I started anorexia. Colleagues whispered behind my back that I was taking drugs, or asked what diet pills I drink. Mom was worried, but did not understand what to do. Friends just tried to feed. And then I realized that from the calculation of proteins, fats and carbohydrates and the nutrition of some cigarettes with coffee, I lose a sense of reality. The consequences raked for a long time and with the help of a therapist. I think that if there is a desire to take care of your health, inner world or appearance, change will definitely be. If the engine of change is the desire to please someone, nothing will come of it, but the body and psyche can be seriously injured.
Nastya
I had thoughts about moving even before this story. I considered London, Paris, even Australia, but not Moscow. I was born in Leningrad and myself to the bone — a leaden sky, a melancholic mood and style. But in the tinder, I met a Muscovite who was on a business trip in St. Petersburg. As soon as I saw his photo, I felt that we seemed to be familiar for a thousand years. I was so impressed that I even wrote first - but the communication did not work out. A month later, a message came from him. I answered, and since then we have not parted: calls, voice and video messages.
Then he came to me for the weekend. Everything went well. We promised to talk about everything that is unhappy, and to be extremely honest. Month skated each other for the weekend, but this was not enough. In addition, he entered the school, which he dreamed all his life. We understood that we would not be able to see each other in the previous regime, and he suggested that I move. By that time, the work of the beauty salon manager bored me a bit, and I agreed. And I am a rare coward - I think, I agreed, because I was sure that my parents would not let me go anywhere. But they let go with one demand: as soon as something goes wrong, I come back. At work, the management decided to close my project, I was offered to head a new one, but I took the opportunity and refused.
See me off with champagne and tears. I still remember this as the worst day of my life. Even my father cried - well, I myself, of course, almost to Moscow itself. A partner met me and took me to my bachelor lair. Began to live together. But we did not manage to solve the equation from everyday moments, my psychological trauma from the move and his studies (this is a creative field, so the guy just dropped out of life). We are separated from each other. I dreamed of Petersburg, I cried in the morning under a blanket, and he studied and worked in a furious mode. Sometimes, I did not even come home, although I was waiting for him with a hot dinner. I hit in cleaning and cooking, because there was no work, and it seemed to me that it was my duty to build a nest. Oddly enough, it enraged him. He did not understand why I was sitting at home, and not walking around Moscow. And it was difficult for me to imagine a more alien city.
We were even more distant when I found a job. Having lived together for a month, we parted for almost a minute: I fed him dinner, another quarrel ensued - and that’s all. We slept on different edges of the bed, almost hanging from the edges, just not together. It was terrible. I cried for two days. For a week I found another place to live, I knew only one thing: to return to Petersburg meant to admit my defeat. Despite the entreaties of the family, I stayed. It was a matter of honor to survive the probationary salary while entering a completely naked room. He took me with things to a new place and started writing messages that very day.
Two years have passed, and all this time we communicate. Now I know that relationships are tremendous work and wisdom. It is necessary not to wait for "male actions" from the cinema, but to accept the person as it is. It is quite wonderful if he will perform acts not because you expect them and so it is necessary, but because he wants and feels that way himself. Our mistake was that we thought out the image of another person and could not cope with the real. Only now we learn and learn to accept each other.
Masha
My partner began to "break" me even before the beginning of the relationship - and so competently that from the first minute I considered it normal, as if it were the only way. All requests sounded like a statement of fact: “You need to go to the gym,” “You need to work and earn money while you are young. Let's rest later,” “You spend a lot, we have no money for it.” Although I earned more than him, I spent a maximum of five to ten thousand rubles a month on myself - on a cafe, a taxi (and always hiding this fact, so as not to run into a conflict) and, God forbid, clothes. And when he took out more than one and a half million on credit, without consulting me, I was also guilty of the lack of money for cinema and cafes. At that time I was left without work, and, in his opinion, it was this fact, and not the loan, that caused our debts.
All changes were given with a fight. Any my talk about what we do not understand each other, boiled down to one thing - I do not try to change. Several times I told him that I was not happy. Disputes lasted until three or four in the morning, always on weekdays, before work. I always felt guilty and crying. He listened every time, but he argued for his behavior, and more often than not nothing changed. But sometimes I saw that he, too, was trying - this was misleading me, that something else could be fixed.
In this relationship, I was clay. My relatives and friends stopped recognizing me, even his relatives asked me what I had forgotten with him. All our friends believed that he was tyrannizing me - but I loved him. The relationship ended due to mistrust, despite the fact that we were together for five and a half years. After he unreasonably checked my phone and didn’t find anything, I picked up my things and, screaming "You cheated on me, got out", went out in the winter at night and somehow took a taxi. So broke up.
The fact that I broke myself severely undermined my self-esteem and eventually led to problems in communicating with other men. I can not trust, panicky afraid of dependence on another person, I consider myself unworthy of love or praise. But I need help and this love, care, although I never loudly admit it. Recently, I began to study with a psychologist and a coach and realized that it was worth changing for my own sake. It is to change, not to break, the second will not make you stronger. Growth, experience will help. But not personal abuse.
Dasha
My partner inspired me to give up alcohol. It's funny because we met at the bar: I celebrated my girlfriend's birthday, and he drank tea at the bar. We have been together for two and a half years, of which I don’t drink alcohol for a year. My partner does not drink all his life: he tried in his youth and found out that he did not like either the taste or the state afterwards. Plus, he has been actively involved in sports since childhood, watching nutrition and overall health. He told me that he did not understand how people could spoil their health with alcohol, because there is nothing funny about it. I, in turn, drank mainly in the company - with friends, at parties, corporate parties. Connoisseur has never been. The partner did not put forward ultimatums, because alcohol did not interfere with our relationship. But after about a year I wanted more awareness in my life, and I decided to make myself a challenge - to give up any alcohol and see what would happen. The partner was delighted and surprised to learn about my decision: he never asked for it and, all the more, did not say that it was a condition for us to be together.
It turned out harder than I thought. It was difficult to explain to colleagues and even close friends why I no longer drink, if there are no objective reasons for that. When I retorted, there are no objective reasons to drink - as a rule, they tried to convince me urgently. The intrusiveness of others and the experience of my partner added determination, and I realized that I did not want to complete the challenge. I'm glad I made that decision. I can not say that I instantly improved my health or began to feel better, but I am pleased to think that one negative factor influencing my health has become less. Perhaps I will feel better with age.
Refusing alcohol didn’t affect our relations and certainly didn’t make them worse - the initiative came from me, and the lifestyle of a loved one became inspiration. In my opinion, when your partner can inspire something cool (playing sports, balanced meals, traveling) is a sign of harmonious relationships. And if you have nothing to learn from each other - in my opinion, this is not a very good signal. I emphasize that we are talking about learning, and not forcing the other to do something or to give up something. Accept each other for who you are, a necessary condition for a relationship, but even cooler when you share something with each other.
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