How to start learning by doing?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THE SELF AND THE WORLD,with whom there seems to be no time or not to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to start learning by doing?
The end of December is the time to sum up the results and analyze the experience earned during the year. But even the famous proverb says that the wise learn from the mistakes of others, the wise learn from their mistakes, and fools do not notice their mistakes. I would like to move from the last category at least to the second. How to learn to evaluate your actions sensibly and draw the right conclusions from them?
Olga Miloradovapsychotherapist
Everyone knows that it is necessary to learn from the mistakes of others. But not only that in the end we fill our own bumps, as well as on the same places. Why is this happening and how to break the vicious circle? On the one hand, the reason is simple: we live in stereotypes, constantly repeating the same roles. That is, it is necessary to discover where and how you impede your own growth, eliminate the obstacles found and mobilize hidden resources. It sounds good, but the main difficulty is that we often don’t see our own problems, and the reason is often that our sense of self-understanding is illusory. Say, someone considers himself calm and balanced, although in fact he is irritable and vindictive. As Dr. House said, "all people lie," and this is true. This is not necessarily a big and global lie, but as a number of studies show, as soon as the evaluation factor from the outside appears, the motivation to be “good” (fashionable, smart, and so on) in the eyes of others, and honesty in assessing yourself, your needs and sympathy immediately perverted.
Thus, if a person is, in principle, oriented on opinion from the outside, then often he is oriented towards the realization of the concept of how he should be in the eyes of others (the concept of his own image), instead of realizing the real self. To understand your problem, it is important to turn off rationality, stop being guided by the study of any rules and concepts, and turn to your emotions and feelings. Start watching and listening to what is happening, notice how people react to you, how you react to something. Stop explaining and try to understand intuitively. Perhaps at first it is difficult to see, and even more so, to show the real one without all the masks and embellishment, perhaps it is even painful. But it is dissatisfaction that makes us mobilize our resources and change something.
The most striking example of constant walking on a rake - is building relationships
If we talk about the specific life situations of constant walking on a rake, then the most vivid example is the construction of relationships. And in particular, the constant choice of the wrong partner (alcoholic, loser, person inclined to violence). If we discuss what to do in this particular case, then first of all, we should assess the situation in our family. From our parents, we drag all baggage into our own relationships and subsequently carry out either the same scenario or anti-scenario. But even the understanding that the father, for example, drank, often turns out to be small, and we continue to “inadvertently” everywhere meet lovers of alcohol.
Secondly, write down all the vicious series of partners on a piece of paper. Describe the situations in which the acquaintance occurred. Assess the situation in which you rushed into your arms: maybe there was a party, and your hero was already pretty drunk at that time, while you provoked him to drink some more. What plays the role is not only the choice of the person, but also your reaction: perhaps, approval, and even provocation. Stop blaming someone and look for the problem in yourself. I do not call for senseless and useless self-flagellation, but often what infuriates us about others is our own problem. Sometimes we just mirror it, which makes it easier to search. Sometimes it's not that simple. But at least think about whether you really know yourself and whether someone else is always to blame.