Checklist: 6 signs that you are prone to narcissism
Text: Yana Filimonova
The concept of "narcissism" in psychology is different fromthat they understand it in everyday life. In an amicable way, daffodils are those who have a narcissistic injury (it is also called a narcissistic wound): they do not feel their own value and are constantly looking for its confirmation from others, while not thinking too much about the feelings and needs of others. Narcissistically organized people are constantly ashamed of themselves, and to compensate for this shame, they develop perfectionism and seek to compete.
The concept was introduced by Sigmund Freud, but psychoanalysts Heinz Kohut and Nancy McWilliams described the narcissistic character in more detail. Narcissistic trauma develops when the parents do not react positively to the child - that is, they simply do not let him understand that he is good by himself. In our society, due to cultural and historical features, a huge number of people have such a trauma. In the Soviet and post-Soviet world, an appraisal upbringing has been adopted: children are constantly judged, waiting for compliance with standards, they demand achievements from an early age. Everybody is accustomed to scolding and shaming even the smallest ones for the processes that they cannot control yet (urination and defecation, crying from fright or grief, falling, things broken and broken by chance).
Thus, the message is sent to the child: to deserve love, you must meet the standards and perform functions. This type of upbringing can be characteristic of parents who have not coped with any difficulty in life - illness, separation from the spouse, loss of work or social status - and perceive children as those who should implement their plans. Psychologists call this the perception of a child as a "narcissistic expansion" of a parent: "I have achieved little in life, but my daughter or son will succeed more, and I will feel good at their expense." Such people are often fanatical in their studies, they write down a daughter or a son in a thousand circles, they demand high results, but they are never satisfied with them. Even children, who are rated positively, feel that they are still being judged, not just for love, but for something. Our realities also do not help with narcissism: the orientation of society to the external, accelerating pace of life, social networks with beautiful retouched photos and glossy publications, broadcasting an unrealistic picture of life - all this only aggravates the injury.
A person with deep narcissistic trauma develops a character that Nancy McWilliams called the "narcissistic personality type"; those who were not so much hurt, may manifest its individual features. We understand what the consequences look like in an adult person - and what to do if you find out in the description of yourself.
1
You do not feel valuable without the approval of others
Praise, success, achievement - this is nice, but all of these are evaluative categories that imply an outside perspective. Ideally, a psychologically healthy person has a basic sense of personal value besides them: he realizes that he is good in himself, even if no one admires them right now, does not demonstrate love and does not value him positively. Without inner support, without feeling that you are generally good, it is very difficult to live. People with narcissistic trauma have no support or it is very weak. They really do not believe that they are valuable in themselves, if they do not impress anyone and at the moment no one notices them.
From this comes a lot of problems. Once in a hostile environment, such a person begins to believe that he is really bad - and, for example, tries to please, instead of getting away from people who are nasty to him. He compares himself to others: since there is no feeling of basic “goodness”, the feeling ”I am decent, smart, beautiful, is achieved at the expense of the environment.
However, the result of this comparison is often disappointing: you can always find someone better. It’s hard for such people to be in big companies: there are too many people and it’s difficult to be better in everything. And there is also a very high probability to feel forgotten, abandoned, unattended (for example, when everyone listens to someone else and communicates with him), and this is too hard. Usually, people with narcissistic trauma see two ways out of this situation: either they avoid large gatherings of people where they can go unnoticed, or they take on the role of toastmaster and joker - so that they receive uninterrupted reinforcement with attention.
2
You belittle others to feel better
This is the result of a constant need to compare: in order to feel worthy and valuable, narcissistic personalities need to constantly win the competition - at least in their mind. So, there should always be people nearby who will be worse than them in some ways. Periodically, this process of comparison and measurement breaks out - in conversations with acquaintances, in reviews about other people - becomes noticeable in a patronizing, condescending or irritable attitude towards others.
The stronger the narcissistic part of the personality, the more violent and constant the need to compete. In an exaggerated version, a sad picture is obtained: a person who cannot bear someone else’s success next to him, barbs speaks behind everyone’s eyes, and can only unite with other people according to the scheme “against whom are we friends?”.
However, this is not always the case. Some people with narcissistic trauma have sufficient reflection to know this trait, and suffer from it because it does not fit into their idea of a good person. But until the narcissistic wound is cured, the need for comparison and "gain" will be stronger - although such people may be ashamed of such feelings and make a lot of effort to get rid of them.
3
You can't stand criticism
Of course, no one likes to hear unflattering reviews about themselves or their activities. But for a person with a narcissistic trauma, the critic is simply unbearable: it threatens his perception of himself. Such a person takes a negative feedback very personally, he causes him deep insult, rage, desire to achieve repentance and denial. Any negative statement hurts him very much, he can scroll through his head for hours and days, mentally justify, object, argue.
At the same time, even in situations where the review was unjustified, the person does not come up with a simple explanation that is not related to his own personality: that the interlocutor was simply not in the mood, he was offended by something, that he was poorly educated and said unpleasant things to everyone. In short, a person with a narcissistic trauma behaves as if his personality and life really depend on the opinion of the other, even if this other completely stranger and his opinion could be neglected.
4
You often idealize and devalue - both yourself and others.
Narcissus is difficult to accept that the world is not "black and white striped". That no one is perfect and not terrible, that every person has good and evil, strong and weak sides, which are combined in different ways, and that in different situations, those and other will appear. Therefore, it is difficult for him to perceive himself and other people holistically. He does not forgive himself and others for failures, he is inclined to glue labels on people, which in this case have to be periodically changed: one positive or, on the contrary, negative action can turn the idea of a person 180 degrees. It happens and vice versa: it is difficult for him to change the well-established idea of a person, despite the fact that he has long demonstrated completely different qualities.
The same applies to inanimate assessment items or groups of people: places of work and study, political parties, religious or other communities. A narcissistically organized person can ignore their shortcomings for a long time, idealize and very zealously share all the ideals of the group, and then, to the amazement of friends, suddenly get out of it and tell everyone how bad it was. Moreover, this may not be a lie, but simply a half-truth: while idealizing, the person did not want to notice the flaws, and then, denigrating him, forgot all the good things.
5
You combine unstable self-esteem and perfectionism
The self-esteem of a person with such an injury swings like a pendulum. He seems to himself something wonderful, talented, original, kind (and very undervalued), then miserable, gray, unlucky and failing his whole life. At this point, the daffodil is prone to “bruise” the wound and report its own insignificance to friends, relatives, or simply to those who are close.
The narcissistic person almost constantly feels a sense of shame for himself - therefore perfectionism is peculiar to her. In our society, it is customary to idealize it, but in fact it does not mean that a person will necessarily be productive. Yes, perfectionists do often achieve a lot - simply at the expense of the enormous effort that they are willing to make. Perfectionism itself is a defense: feeling lower than others, such a person sets himself too high a bar and promises that when he reaches it, he will finally feel himself worthy and will no longer be ashamed.
Thus, a person is guided by a deliberately unrealistic ideal - just a good result will not help him to feel good. As Nancy McWilliams writes, “unattainable ideals are created to compensate for defects in I.” These defects seem so despicable that no short success can ever hide them, and besides, no one can be perfect, therefore the whole strategy fails, and the devalued "I" manifests itself again. "
6
You manipulate people and think little about their feelings.
Some people with narcissistic trauma tend to be outrageous - it becomes a way to overcome their sense of shame and constant humiliation. In a fit of demonstrativeness, they can exaggerate their hardships or, on the contrary, their adventures, and sometimes they simply openly admonish. The lie of narcissuses is similar to the fantasies of preschoolers: it has no practical benefit other than attracting attention, and is just as unlikely. These stories are usually harmless, as they are easily calculated, but, like any lie, they are unpleasant simply by the fact of their existence.
In dealing with people with narcissistic trauma, many dislike their latent coldness and their ability to break off contact or step back at any moment. Daffodils do not trust even the closest ones, waiting for a trick and believe that they can easily be replaced by someone else. They are so absorbed in maintaining their own fragile self-esteem that they are not inclined to think about the feelings of others — they simply lack the resources for that. For a person with a narcissistic character, the people around him are something like pieces on a chessboard. They focus on building the figures in the desired order, but do not think that the figures themselves want something.
What to do
To cure a narcissistic wound, or at least reduce it, is real, if the person himself is determined that he wants it. It is almost impossible to do such work without a psychotherapist: you need a safe figure who can withstand the circles of depreciation and idealization, give calm feedback and maintain stable contact with a narcissistically organized person. It takes years to do this kind of work, but even small movements give colossal changes in life: a person with a narcissistic trauma improves relations with people, he begins to feel more satisfied, at least from time to time to feel good and worthy. Breakdowns and the feeling that a person fails to the former state are inevitable, but over time he gains the experience of a new, more stable and good life and it becomes easier to go through periods of recession.
Photo:badahos - stock.adobe.com, blackboard1965 - stock.adobe.com