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Why we fear responsibility in relationships

Text: Anastasia Rubtsova

"Responsibility" - the word-mummer. It can mask very different concepts, while it is rather abstract - that is why a variety of meanings are easily attracted to it. Responsibility in the understanding that the dictionaries offer is the ability to calculate the consequences of their actions and accept them without flinching. If a person, realizing that his action is likely to lead to a catastrophe (for him personally, his family or other people), goes for it consciously, with his eyes wide open, in a sense he acts "responsibly." But in everyday, everyday conversations, by responsibility we mean completely different things, each time different. What kind of meanings we put into this word, almost always have to be understood from the context, and this context is often quite aggressive.

With words about responsibility we very often substitute a direct demand (“You must!” Or simply “I want!”) Or an accusation (“You owe me for a long time and do not give it to me!”). This is usually done in cases where we cannot say directly about our requirements. For example, when we suspect that on direct demand we will receive the same direct failure. Or somewhere deep inside, we are convinced that we have no right to demand and want, let alone declare our desires. At that moment, when we open our mouth to say what we want from another person, the microprogram automatically turns on in our head: "You want a lot - you get a little."

But the desire remains, and it is restlessly seeking a way to manifest itself. Then “responsibility” comes on the scene, and we try to replace our personal desires with a certain general rule: not “I want”, but “A man in the family should” or “Each of us has a responsibility to a partner” - in the hope that the partner will be impressed by this rule. This is very similar to the behavior of a child who, in a dispute with another child, calls for the defense of a mom or dad and happily jumps behind their backs: "Here, are you not hearing what my mom says? She will ask you now!" As we know from the experience of playgrounds, on some this technique works: they get scared or begin to experience guilt.

Therefore, no one likes to talk about responsibility. No one likes to feel guilty, ashamed, and scared. No one likes to be the object of manipulation - and talking about responsibility is often (not always, but often) manipulative. Especially when the most general categories are taken - “man’s responsibility” or, for example, “mother’s responsibility”.

In relations with relatives it is much more convenient to speak not about responsibility, but about rules.

These manipulations, as a rule, are not recognized by any of the participants. Very often, the listener and the speaker themselves do not fully understand what they mean - too many emotions. What is the responsibility of a particular partner at this particular moment? The fact that he once (and maybe never) did not help. Did not do something important. Not protected. Not earned. Did not fulfill the promise. What can he do at the moment to correct the situation? It seems that already nothing.

The listener does not always understand that the main content of such a conversation may be, for example, resentment, or anger, or pain - that is, emotion. And the demand that underlies it is a demand for comfort. More often, the one who is charged with a whole bunch of accusations of irresponsibility, comes to the conclusion that he is still hopelessly guilty, can not fix anything, and there is nothing to try. This is the point at which I really want to get out of the discussion, slamming the door - and this way out creates a new round of accusations. The one who swings “responsibility” like a flag very often takes as an accomplice the shame of the accused - but this is not a position from which to go far.

Talk about responsibility is fascinating to talk with philosophers and philologists, and in relations with relatives it is much more convenient to talk about the rules. The rules can be discussed, clarified and changed, if both parties agree, but, speaking of them, it is very useful to cut off the excess. There is no responsibility at all, it always stands in front of someone. If we are talking about the responsibility of parents (most often the mother), then it is in relation to the child. A mother is neither a mother to society (and in this sense she does not have “responsibility to society”), nor to her parents (it is an unbearable burden to be a mother for them too).

We do not need anything "women in general," "all men," "society as a whole"

If we are talking about the responsibility of a man, then it is a responsibility to the specific woman he chose and who chose him. The couple agrees on the rules of the hostel and the distribution of duties: who earns money and what happens if he does not cope? How are domestic responsibilities divided? Who comforts whom in difficult moments and how? Who and how declares their desires?

Naturally, very often there are situations that the rules do not provide (we do not have the Civil Code!). They require a new round of negotiations. In these moments, there is also a great temptation to wave to the partner’s nose “responsibility”, which he failed to cope with, and a “general rule”, which he does not seem to fulfill. But none of us can be accountable to a faceless mass with which we have not entered into a relationship: we owe nothing to "women in general," "all men," or "society as a whole." Except, of course, adherence to simple rules of politeness and the requirements of the Criminal Code.

As soon as we hear the word "responsibility", the main thing in this situation is to ask more clarifying questions so that the contours of reality will become clear. And it is worth remembering that responsibility (except for criminal) is what we take on voluntarily. If she is forced to do it, this is something else, and should be called differently.

Watch the video: How to Get Over the Fear of Commitment - Teal Swan (March 2024).

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