Checklist: 5 signs that you are competing all the time - but in vain
Text: Yana Filimonova
Do you think that you will stop loving, if you are not wittier, slimmer, or the easiest to climb? Do you think your friends will turn away as soon as you stop reading every day or entertain them with incredible stories from your own life? The best way to get you to do something is to say that someone is doing it better than you? If this is about you, then perhaps your competitiveness and the desire to compete with others has gone too far and harms you. We tell how to understand it and what to do about it.
1
You have a number of "critical parameters" to compare.
And for them it is vital to be "no worse" environment. For example, it is appearance, earnings, personal life, certain status things: a car, a phone, a tablet, clothes of a certain brand. That is why people inclined to competition may seem arrogant, arrogant, even unkind to others: they are constantly comparing. In fact, inside such a person feels rather "below" others, and with the help of competition he tries to rise to their level. The feeling is painful and requires constantly to be on the lookout.
It seems to people who are inclined to constant competition that it is worth relaxing a little - and some kind of disaster will happen, as if they will “spoil” forever. For example, they will stop looking after themselves and will “swim with fat”, “split up”, “slip” or “stop being interested in something”. Moreover, the sensations tell them that this change will be irreparable, as if it is impossible to start looking after your appearance again, go in for sports, or go back to work. In essence, competition here is a manifestation of anxiety, and it acquires a concrete form under the influence of stereotypes and personal convictions of a person.
2
It hurts you to hear your loved ones praise someone else
This is not a situation when you are intentionally compared with someone, wanting to prick or “motivate” to certain achievements, but when a person just made an innocent comment. But a positive assessment of someone else, except for you, voiced by a significant person, instantly starts your competition program. It seems to you that a competition has begun in which you need to win: “loss” threatens to lose love and good relations.
Colleagues praise a very clever new employee, and you automatically read this not as praise to her, but as a critical comparison with you. She is clever, but you still have to look at it: maybe they’re holding you in the company just because they won’t get their hands on fire. Sometimes it works even in cases where the comment was not thought of as positive. "Well, she's so thin, she has a cold all the time," says your partner about a frequently ill friend. It does not matter if thinness seems attractive to him. A chain instantly builds up in your head: “he thinks thin and fragile — he regrets — does he like it — does he like me? —He thinks I deserve care?”
This example well illustrates that competition starts primarily in a person’s head, and not from the outside. He enters the battle for attention, love and sympathy, even if he can actually get them completely “free”, just like that.
3
Winning is not a good result for you
It doesn't matter if you have a real or imaginary rival. Competition is fierce and hard to win in it: there can always be someone better. Wounded self-esteem sometimes needs a victory even over someone - so you really want to bypass Zhenka from the neighboring department, to be slimmer, stronger, richer and more successful than someone. At least in instagram. At least five minutes. This item is about you, if the competition itself is your main motivation.
Someone might ask, "And what's wrong if it makes me move forward?" Unfortunately, a lot of bad. First, constant comparisons lead to constant dissatisfaction with themselves. We compare ourselves at once with several people, which means that there will be a lot of losses and few winnings, and they will be rare. This reduces motivation: our reward system in the brain does not really want to work when nothing pleases it. And it means that competition will be more and more fierce, and discontent will be more and more acute. Secondly, in the endless competition there is no sense of progress.
Comparing ourselves with ourselves, but yesterday, we can note how far we have come. Comparison with other people about whom we know almost nothing often makes you feel insignificant and incapable of anything, regardless of the real state of affairs.
4
You willingly get involved in the competition at the slightest provocation
Your friend loves controversy and poddyvki, and you continue to unpleasant communication time after time, although you promise yourself that next time in response to his jokes, you wisely keep silent. Or the manager likes to arrange “gladiator fights” among his subordinates and watch the result - and you are right there, sharpening your sword.
The problem is that such games rarely contribute to the normal construction of a career and productive communication. More calm people prefer to stay away from bloody battles - they are usually more capable of sincere support, praise and acceptance. Competitive people usually don’t have the resource for it, or it’s very little - recognizing the merits of others will mean that they have lost, and someone is better than them. A good leader is unlikely to push his subordinates together - for a long time such a department will not last, because working in a team is still more effective. So it turns out that after some time other "gladiators" will remain in your environment.
5
Do you have an idea that only the best love
The best at least in something: the most beautiful, useful, talented - and so on. When someone of your acquaintances makes a couple, you involuntarily ask yourself a question: what did he (a) conquer with (a) partner? Beauty, sexuality, some exceptional character traits? You have no idea that two people can simply enjoy being around, without entering into a competition with anyone or arranging a competition.
Accordingly, you think that you, in order to receive love, support and a good attitude, must meet a certain level and not reduce it. And where exactly the plank is located, one can never say for sure - there is no mark at which it will be possible to calm down. This is the main destructiveness of this idea of competition: it is endless. You should always be alert and check to see if someone has appeared better by your side.
What to do if you are drawn to unhealthy competition?
The unhealthy desire to compete arises from the lack of a sense of basic “goodness” and necessity. The child’s attitude towards itself is first acquired by the family. He looks at himself with the eyes with which the parent looks at him - and if dad and mom all the time tell him that he is not handsome enough, clever, clever, smart, the child learns it as a given: “I’m not good enough (a), not attractive ), disliked (a). " Since the need for the love and care of parents is basic, the daughter or son, seeking to prove their worth, are trying to become better. And as reference marks they compare themselves with the environment, with those whom mom and dad praise.
Aggravated thirst for competition often develops for those whose parents were not stable. For a good state of health at the beginning of life, we need the feeling that his loved ones are always there when they are needed. By the way, this does not mean that they should be physically close by twenty-four hours a day: a mom or dad can go on a business trip, but, for example, regularly get in touch by phone, send greetings, ask about everything that happened. then in some other way support the child’s sense of involvement. And vice versa - the parent can physically stay close, but all attempts of the daughter or son to come into contact snaps: “Leave me alone,” “Then tell me,” “You don't see, I'm busy.” Then, despite the physical presence of the parent, there will be a feeling that he is not around, he is inaccessible, and the child, respectively, is not needed.
Suffering from such "intermittent" intimacy and frightening feelings of abandonment, the child is trying to somehow influence the situation. He is still too small to realize that such behavior may be due to the parents' own problems, and he is unable to correct it. Accordingly, he is trying to become good enough - or, conversely, very bad - to attract attention. The main thing is that he has an idea that for love and a good attitude you need to fight, to do something special for them.
Endless competition is destructive. She interferes in your relationships with people, making you jealous, compare, and end up feeling bad most of the time. It also makes people choose - friends, partners, even colleagues and bosses - for whose good attitude you really have to fight, because competitive people perceive this kind of relationship as the norm.
The way out of this race is to develop self-perception of yourself as a good, worthy and necessary person without any “ifs”. Not once, when you pump up muscles, reach career heights and get a doctoral degree, but right here and now. Quickly, such changes do not occur. Abandoning competition is the same as getting out of the race during intense competition. And you have to do it time after time, until you get used to not get on the marathon in the race for love and approval.
Photo:Africa Studio - stock.adobe.com, Winston Link - stock.adobe.com