Should friends give advice
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. Therefore, we asked a professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
Should friends give advice?
Have you ever thought about what kind of friend you are? Can you express condolences if your friend suffered a loss, or avoid it, not knowing what to say? Or maybe you, on the contrary, are easily comforted, but as soon as your friend’s business went uphill, you go mad with jealousy, muttering “where would he be without me now” to himself? Do you try to share your experience at every opportunity, giving numerous advices, or is a friend for you a role model, and if it is “broken”, then you will not be able to help even more?
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
We are all different, and if one of us in a difficult situation needs a friendly shoulder and the opportunity to cry, the other prefers stoic loneliness, and the third is cheerful merrymaking and denial of the problem. No matter how you feel about this and whatever choice you think is the best, you have no right to decide anything for it. Your main duty as a friend is to be able to be close. Despite the simplicity of the wording, it is not so easy.
Being close means not condemning, even if the choice of your friend seems absurd, absurd, and maybe even dangerous. Speaking of specific examples: the most common mistake when talking to a person abusing drugs or alcohol is to tell him how low he fell, and even less to give straightforward advice about what he should immediately tie. It is as meaningless as to advise a friend who is in a situation of violence, "just to take and leave." The best thing you can do in such a case is once and for all discourage the person from wanting to see you and honestly discuss something.
Any problem period of your friend is a rare occasion when you should talk more about yourself than about him. First of all, it is necessary to let the person know that you are near no matter what. And even if he does not want to see you now, he always has this opportunity. Better to say: "I worry and worry" or "I do not care" - instead of: "Do you even understand what you are doing?" and "You're out of your mind." It is not a secret for anyone that it is very important to be able to listen, and especially in problematic situations. Even if these are thoughts in a circle for the tenth time, even if there is a lot of anger, aggression or sadness of a person in a crisis: on the threshold of decision making it is very important to live through all these emotions in order to put everything in order.
Never give policy advice, even if you are asked to
However, there are many "but". One of them - you should not forget about yourself. Not every one of us is able to endure someone's pain for a long time or to take on negative emotions. It may happen that your friend sharply speaks out about someone who is also not indifferent to you. You have every right to establish the limits of what is permitted. Like, yes, before this milestone, I am ready to listen to you, but from now on, this is not fair. Try to be open, because, on the one hand, if you keep silent and take on more than you are able to endure, it will ultimately harm you, and if you suddenly close at some stage and / or disappear, then all your good beginnings will derail.
Never give policy advice, even if you are asked to. First of all, what is good for you is not necessarily good for your friend. Secondly, at the time of decision-making, everyone is anxious, and this is absolutely normal. Naturally, I really want to cheat and shift the responsibility for making a decision along with anxiety to someone else. Besides, if later this decision is not the most successful, you can always say that it is your fault that at the moment of weakness they gave foolish advice to your friend. Do you want to be accused of breaking a friend's life, although you only wanted a better one? It is his life, he has to manage it, and it is he who should take responsibility for the changes. Even such seemingly neutral statements as “I would choose that for myself” can later be interpreted as “if I were you, I would do that” and be perceived as a direct guide to action.
An exception to this rule may be a situation where your friend is in a very poor condition and you suspect (or he mentioned it) that he may commit suicide. In a depressed state, people rarely maintain clarity of consciousness, and even if you personally think that everyone has the right to choose whether to live or not, let him at least take advantage of this right, being in a clearer mind. It is also not the best time to prove that you know how to keep secrets if a friend asked you not to tell anyone about your suicidal plans. Try to attract a specialist and persuade your friend to call a specialized service. For example, by phone +7 (499) 791-20-50 - this is the hotline of the crisis-suicidological center. And most importantly - try not to leave a friend alone, until he receives the necessary assistance.