"I did not ask me to give birth": Should the children be grateful to their parents
IN PUBLIC CONSCIOUSNESS, CHILDREN ARE NOT ONLY THE "FLOWERS OF LIFE", but also a “valuable asset”: those who will grow up one day and will be able to help aged parents. But no matter how the state pushes the image of the “traditional family”, in reality everything is more complicated: some live too far from each other, others seem to be close by, but they don’t feel close to themselves. Although it is considered by default that relatives "should" love each other, discussions and surveys show that the range of feelings of children towards their parents includes indifference, and formulations like "I do not hate them." We understand how gratitude works and whether we are obliged to feel it.
Difference perception
The concept of a family is not universal: in some cultures there is a clan system, where the family is sacred, and relatives are bound once and for all. In such traditional communities, the cult of the family sometimes takes on extreme forms, when parents, for example, choose partners for their children. In Europe and North America, for example, everything is arranged differently: children quickly begin to live separately, become independent, and relations with parents are governed by emotional connection, and not by foundations. Russia exists somewhere between these two approaches, and on many issues a new ethical norm of relations between generations is just being formed.
The problem is well illustrated by one of the stumbling blocks - nursing homes. In our culture, “sending” an elderly father or mother to such an institution is considered practically a betrayal, given that living conditions, respect for the rights of guests and fire safety rules there often leave much to be desired. At the same time, in Europe and America, where there are good (and often not cheap) boarding houses for the elderly, such a decision may well be reciprocal and favorable for all: the parent receives constant medical care, social circle and leisure time, and the child is calm for the state of the father or mothers.
Some realize that children have their own lives, and appreciate every call, while for others only the option "to drop everything and be near" is acceptable. Some will consider hiring a professional nurse or money as caring, others as betrayal
This is especially true for those who live far from each other. Yes, and being in the same city, few people can completely devote their lives to a parent, especially if we are talking about constant palliative care - for this you need to at least quit your job or look for a nurse. If children visit their parents conditionally once a week, then for peace of mind of all parties it may be better to do this where the elderly person is not alone and will always receive the necessary help.
Out of sync in the perception of what "gratitude" is, is due to the fact that both parties do not fully understand the emotions and reasons for each other's actions. Some realize that children have their own lives, and appreciate every call, while for others only the option "to drop everything and be near" is acceptable. Some will consider hiring a professional nurse or money as caring, others - as a betrayal and an attempt to pay off. Parents may not see that the actions of their children come from considerations of sincere care, because their ideas about “gratitude” do not coincide with the ideas of others, and vice versa - children may not understand why the father or mother is in a bad mood all the time, the latter may lack human participation. Often, those who have not had a well-established contact during their life simply cannot recognize and articulate their emotions or put themselves in the shoes of another. Support and expressions of gratitude can be different: in one family, physical or material assistance is more appreciated, in the other - warm words or hugs, and the understanding of this is not always the same for children and parents.
There is no guarantee, but there is a chance
The notorious argument about a glass of water sounds as if the parent dooms the child to be life grateful for one fact of birth. And although many of us want to count on the fact that relatives will support us in difficult times, it would be inhuman to consider children solely as a guarantee of carefree old age. In the material on whether something can be cured by pregnancy and childbirth, we said that although for some diseases the risk after childbirth and the truth is reduced, it would be strange to create a new life, guided only by these considerations. In the end, all we can do is offer the child love and care, but not for reasons of personal gain, but from the hope that an intelligent and compassionate adult will grow out of it - Susan Forward writes in part in the book Toxic Parents.
Now in Russia they are increasingly talking about the “theory of attachment”, which explains how the relationship between children and parents is arranged. In the book "The Secret Support: Attachment in the Child's Life," Lyudmila Petranovskaya explains that it is about "how our love and care form a secret support in the child on which, like on a rod, his personality holds" year after year. Petranovskaya believes that the child’s trust in the world - “I exist, and this is good” - is based on the positive view of parents on it.
To lose intimacy, it is not necessary to be a victim of physical violence in the family - it’s enough that parents keep their children at arm's length or systematically choose the path of unwarranted criticism.
If parents keep cold or endlessly scolded, then a strong rod will fail, and in the future a person will be dependent on external evaluation and criticism. Parental praise gives confidence. It would seem a simple construction: reciprocal love, in principle, is possible only under the condition that there is love initiated by the parent.
As psychological counselor Yana Shagova notes, the absence of a sense of gratitude, and at the same time its manifestation, is the result of a lack of understanding with parents throughout their lives, especially in childhood. If the child did not have a stable emotional contact with the mother or father, and those did not consider their daughter or son to be “good enough,” the relationship will inevitably worsen. It is difficult to be grateful to people who thought or still consider you "lazy", "ugly" or "unsuccessful." To lose intimacy, it is not necessary to be a victim of physical violence in the family — it’s enough that parents keep their children at arm's length or systematically choose the path of unwarranted criticism, not praise or participation.
How to learn gratitude
In a word, “guaranteeing” cannot be done, even if sincere love and mutual assistance reigns in the family - but you can “learn” to show gratitude. You can do this only by your own example - and in this sense it is most difficult for those who were raised in an unloving family. For example, those who grew up in an orphanage may simply not understand how to respond to kindness and care. Psychologist and gestalt therapist Elena Nagaeva says that it is much easier to share love and gratitude when they are in abundance. Orphans are deprived of the most important thing - their close adult person - and constantly feel a lack of love, protection, attention, care. And when you have something small, it can be painful to give it away.
Another factor that can interfere with the formation of natural gratitude is the situation when children are flooded with gifts - in an orphanage or in a family so as not to give the child active attention. Thus, a child may get the feeling that everyone owes him, and material gifts are adequate compensation. In order for a genuine, sincere, and not socially approved, desire to give thanks, a great deal of internal work must be done, and a psychologist and people who are ready to share attention and care can help.
If you convince a person that he is “obliged” to be grateful, a so-called sense of duty will arise - a mental construction, and not an emotional response. At the same time, the inability to “repay a debt” can form a sense of guilt.
Gratitude can be learned, and it is a useful skill - now the work of entire scientific laboratories is devoted to how a sense of gratitude can positively influence a person’s mental health and well-being. In books like "A Simple Act of Gratitude", on the pages of magazines and blogs devoted to psychology, you can find specific techniques and exercises that help you learn to be grateful. For example, many authors recommend keeping a diary, noting something that you are grateful for each day of your life, learning to compliment or engage in conscious meditation. Together with children, you can train to find positive moments in different situations or write thank-you notes.
Sincerity is the main thing
However, it would also be incorrect to “demand” active gratitude, and in any relationship - between partners, and between friends. Gratitude is a mutual process, the roots of which should not go into manipulation; if you convince a person that he is “obliged” to be grateful, a so-called sense of duty, mental construction, and not an emotional response will arise. At the same time, the inability to “repay a debt”, when it is impossible to be sincerely grateful, can form a feeling of guilt.
Of course, all people make mistakes; even in a loving family, where mutual understanding prevails, it is normal to sometimes feel guilty for not being able to devote enough attention or time to loved ones. In this case, the situation can be discussed and come to an understanding. If a sense of duty or a feeling of excessive responsibility for what is happening becomes a constant companion of a person, it is possible that we are talking about co-dependent relationships, and it is better to solve the problem together with a specialist. Not to experience constant gratitude is normal, especially if it is not observed in response.
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