Abigail / Andrew Liparoto on the sex change art project
Young conceptual artist Abigail Liparoto from the UK are always interested in difficult topics: the search for individuality, social roles, compliance with gender expectations. Once asked herself what her life would be like if she were born a boy, Abigail realized that the only way to answer it was to turn into a guy. This is how the project “Becoming” appeared, and with it the young man Andrew Liparoto - the artist’s twin brother. Just with him, we managed to talk about self-confidence, the unaccountable desire of women to please and the limitations in the life of a man.
Gender Performance
I use myself in an auto-ethnographic visual study on gender identification, I study my behavior in everyday life. In the process of work, I do not separate my life from research, therefore I base all work on personal experience. The project is designed for nine months: three months of reflection on Abigail (studying, videotaping, documenting Abigail's behavior), then three months in the role of Andrew, and after - the time to determine their place between the two. I am my research, but not its subject. At the end of the project, I plan to create a series of artwork, most likely in video format, while I record myself, collect material. At the last stage of the project, I will analyze my e-mail, Skype, social network accounts, browser history, and bank account in order to understand what I did differently. Did I spend money differently? Did you talk differently? How did I use the Internet and interact with the world? After completing the “three months-Andrew” I will take up the selection of the material and decide what I will do out of it. Then I will decide whether I want to continue to live with completely unshaven legs, whether I grow hair again, whether I will stay with Andrew, go back to Abigail, or choose a new name altogether. Then I will determine if I am “he”, “she” or “it”
The guy I became
There have always been many men in my life; I have always lived with men - with my father, brother, partners, friends. Therefore, the image by which I am guided in the process of my “transformation” is partly a reflection of all the men around me, their characters. In search of practical clues, I conducted a study on transgender people, people who had experienced the transition from the male to the female. My first desire was to cut the hair very, very short, although in all the blogs they wrote: "Do not do this, you just become like a lesbian." Anyway, they still call me a lesbian. As a result, at first, I had my hair cut short (but not too much) and quite traditional. The goal was to achieve the most ordinary, boring "boy" appearance. So I look more convincingly in the role of a guy, otherwise I would just look like a creative girl. When I hear someone call me Abigail, I just correct him. If on the street someone shouts "Andrew," I will turn around. I was Abigail for 27 years, and it is amazing how quickly I was able to adapt to Andrew. The hardest thing was at the beginning. I was worried about the loss of Abigail, did not know how to behave. I think I was stuck then on the dissimilarity between the images. Abigail was always very smiling and sweet, always friendly with others. I am still quite cheerful, just behaving more calmly. And, honestly, it was great to become more detached.
I have a young man, so I take a lot of clothes from him, but I had to buy something
I definitely do not go to parties and clubs as often as Abigail did. At first it was in principle quite difficult. The "transformation" began, so my behavior had to change. Now I behave differently in bars. But to be a different person, not to flirt is really not easy. My computer started to think that I was a guy. Recently I wanted to buy running shoes for running. I googled "running shoes" - and I had options with men's sneakers. I have a young man, so I take a lot of clothes from him, I had to buy something. I usually wear round-neck T-shirts - men's classics. Although I look more like a boy, not like a grown man. Feminine traits cannot be hidden, but my appearance is now radically different from what Abigail looked like. The flirting zone for Andrew is a minefield. Once I even went to a bar with a friend who was supposed to be my “co-pilot” and help me communicate with the girls. But the problem is that I look like a masculine girl, people think I'm a lesbian. And this does not really embody the idea of a guy who meets a girl - after all, initially I wanted to be the most ordinary guy interested in girls. Besides, I'm dating a guy. It makes me gay to some extent, and I’m kidding over my boyfriend that he’s gay now too. As for flirting with men ... I treat all guys, except my boyfriend, as friends. After the project is completed, I will be happy to put on clothes that will be better suited for my body, because now it seems to me that I’m trying to hide my forms. After three months of bandages and sports bodices, I will gladly put on a real bra. And I want to go back to high waisted jeans - now I wear pants very low on the hips.
Behave like a man
At the beginning of the project, I wore a bandage to visually reduce the chest, then switched to sports bras, and now I don’t carry anything at all. Of course, with breastfeeding chances of being more like a girl, but at the same time men do not wear bras. The fact is that at first I paid attention to the appearance, tried to look like a guy, but now I’m more concerned with the behavior, the position of the man: "Yes, I wear what I want, do what I want, and I don’t really care what others think. " Now, going to a party, I don’t even look at myself in the mirror before I leave the house. Not sure if this has happened to me before - I just leave the house with a phone and a wallet. I can not sleep at home for two days, but it does not matter, because I do not need anything. I'm talking about gender differences too much for a guy. But that’s what I’m exploring in my project. Men have less opportunities to experiment with themselves, with their behavior. We, women, are allowed to play with our image: put on a dress, somehow change ourselves. As soon as I mentioned that I was “turning” into a guy, in a conversation with friends, they immediately began to correct me: “you cannot do this, you can only do that”, “boys do not wear such shoes”, “like , you do not eat meat? guys eat meat "," you have to drink beer ". I don't ask anyone for advice, but I still get comments about what the guy should do. So I felt a lot of limitations in the lives of men. Not all guys drink beer, my father, for example, does not drink. But when I go to a bar with friends, they will not fail to say: "Andrew would drink beer, so take it."
Fresh look at women
Andrew is an artist too. I do not know how much his work differs from what Abigail does, but it is not so shy. Rather, it says: "I'm just gonna do it." I am interested in love, gender issues and similar topics. But sometimes I want to do something completely different. For example, for a third-party project, Andrew is preparing a video work - supeesthetic, with no content as such. This is more like an easy and frivolous game with visuals. Abigail while working a lot ponders, discusses, she likes to spend a huge amount of time on development. And Andrew just uses raw material, boldly mounts the video, makes some video collages. It is very nice to have the opportunity to create works on the go and in a more ironic, entertaining manner. Andrew is a daily show. And, of course, in the presentation a person always plays a role. In the role you can imagine yourself more confident than you are in reality. I'm talking about Andrew, as if this is someone separate from me. And this distance, this space allows me with more confidence to say "yes, this is what I do." Andrew plays a very important role because he allows him to distance himself from Abigail, to look at her from the side. When you constantly are yourself, you do not have much time for reflection, to the questions "what am I doing?" and "why am I doing this?" Therefore, the story with Andrew is equally important both for “turning” into a man, and for analyzing Abigail and finding answers to the questions “what am I doing and why?”, “When did I begin to do this?”, “Did I consciously decide to that way? "
Now my face always looks the same, such overgrown eyebrows as now, I have not had since I was 12.
The longer I am Andrew, the more I realize that Abigail was in many ways a game too. If only because now that I am in the role of Andrew, I am glad no longer behave like her. And if it’s so easy for me not to do what I used to do, if I feel comfortable not playing the role of Abigail, how natural was her behavior initially? Abigail often apologized for the way she looked. When she was without a make-up, she always made excuses: “Oh, I look so tired,” - and someone always answered: - “Well, you, you don’t look so bad.” Now my face always looks the same, I have not had such overgrown eyebrows since now, since I was 12 years old, and my legs look like the legs of a peasant. But I no longer feel that I should apologize for something. Once I went to watch football with a group of friends - six guys, including me, and two girls. One of the girls said she cooked a pie, went to the fridge and brought it. Usually I was such a girl - I love the stove. But to find yourself on the other side in this situation: you sit on the couch, drink, watch football - and someone brings you a cake ... It was rather strange and disgusted. I saw in real life how I sought approval for this behavior. It was very strange to realize this, because I never considered myself a woman of this kind, on the contrary, I saw myself as a modern girl who did not need to please anyone. And so I saw how my behavior actually looked like, what it meant. There are many things that I think I can’t change. I am constantly drawn back to Abigail. I suddenly realize that I am experiencing for various reasons. Perfectly standard, terribly boring reasons. For example, as Andrew doesn’t bother me what I eat - I eat anything. And then it begins: "God, what will I do when the project ends, will have to lose weight ... Hey, stop, think like Andrew, Andrew, Andrew." So you have to constantly block your own thoughts to keep yourself in the role of Andrew.
My girlfriend became a boyfriend
At the beginning of the project, I did not know whether I should continue the relationship with my boyfriend, I was afraid that they would distract me. In the end I decided that it would even be interesting to see his reaction. Especially because he is not interested in art at all, he is interested in sports. He is a modern, real "guy" - a guy with rather standard preferences: he loves sports, watches football. He helped me a lot with sports activities, he thought up a training plan for the gym. In fact, it amazes me how well my boyfriend is carrying the whole story, to be honest, I did not expect it. It is very curious to realize that you no longer pay attention to things that you have terribly worried about before. Take at least spiky legs. Now I have hair on my legs 5 cm long, they are just incredibly long and dark. In fact, we women could say: “We just won't shave anymore,” and men would have no choice. It gives a feeling of strength and confidence, lets you think: “OK, I have hairy armpits, I have hair on all parts of the body and I like it. You can accept me or leave me, that's all.” My Berlin girlfriend told me how during our correspondence she understood from my style that I wrote an email, being in the role of Andrew, and not Abigail. Abigail always writes in a friendly manner: "hello sweet / hello, dear", "have a wonderful day." Andrew is not so nice, he would rather use phrases like "good afternoon", "all the best". As a result, a friend said she was rather strange to receive an email from a friend who had changed his style of communication so much.
Who am I?
There is such an artist - Diana Torr, she is engaged in performances. Diana holds a workshop "Man for a day", where she invites women to change into men's suits and change their sex for one day. I think this story directly intersects with my research. Although I have found that many gender projects adhere to stereotypes. Often they are focused on the need to get used to the male image, to feel more confident, to understand what is missing in a woman in a world dominated by men. And I’m more interested in switching behavior, playing with gender roles, trying to figure out what we can take from each other, rather than finding out who is better. I think I will be busy with this project until at least next year, which will include the processing of the received materials and the creation of video installations based on them. It will probably turn out to prepare not only the installation, but also to publish a book. I am now so involved in the topic that I will continue to study it for some time. I didn’t decide finally whether I wanted to stay with Andrew or go back to Abigail. I think I want to save something from the real role, but I’m not sure yet what it is. On the one hand, I look forward to the moment when I can play with my image during the "transformation into myself." On the other hand, the closer this moment is, the stronger I want it not to come. I’m always worried about whether I turned into a guy as much as I could? Could I do more? Could I go even further? Now I feel that I have found my own style. In Berlin, I bought a new men's backpack. Despite the fact that soon I will become Abigail again, I plan to buy myself a trimmer to cut my hair. I was really drawn into it. And I still did not decide what I would do with the hair on my legs.
Photo: Abigail Liparoto, Rachel Gruijters