Skeletons in the closet: Girls about whether there can be secrets from each other
Someone THINKS BETWEEN CLOSE PEOPLE there are not and cannot be understatements, others want to protect the partner from “unnecessary” information and keep minor secrets, and still others seek to protect their personal space. We talked with women about how they solve this issue for themselves and what to do if you and your partner do not have the same views.
My automatic response to the question "can there be secrets in a pair?" - puzzled "no." I will make a reservation that as a secret I understand not just an unanswered fact, but an important event in life that is embarrassing or very difficult to share, but it gnaws. If we are not talking about extremes (the situation of Jude from “Little Life” is an example of such an extreme), but about “normal” lives, I don’t understand why we need relationships that can be destroyed by recognition.
That is, I understand the mechanism of relations with the secret, but they are seen as temporary for me: either the partner gains courage and at some point tells, or does not, and then distrust in the couple grows, which leads to the end of the relationship. It is clear that not all things are easy to live through and tell someone about them, but I think we should strive for this. Of course, there are different requests for relationships, but in my understanding, permanent relationships should be comfortable for their participants, and having secrets is uncomfortable for me. I have almost no requirements for a temporary relationship, so with a bunch of secrets they will probably be able to fulfill their function.
There is an opinion that people who are serious about words (and I certainly want to relate to them myself) know from an early age that it is not true or withholding the truth. I disagree with this opinion. It seems to me that secrets in a relationship are a necessary thing, at least as long as these secrets do not directly affect the life of a partner. Moreover, I think that in some cases to keep the secret more noble than to tell about it. The act of "telling the truth" supposedly reduces the severity of the secret that you are telling, but in fact simply shifts the responsibility from your shoulders onto the shoulders of your partner. Instead of being an adult, responsible person, or eliminating the consequences of a secret, or simply living with him further, you force your partner to do it for you. Relationships are not confessional, and I do not think it is right to cause anxiety or anxiety to a dear person.
Of course, I have secrets, both minor and substantial, but they have no effect on the life of my partner, and I do not see the need to talk about them: in my opinion, it is more valuable to save a healthy sleep and a good mood of a person than to throw out on it are stories from the past or minor disturbing incidents. I expect the same from my boyfriend and directly talk about it: if he does not want to tell me something, it means I don’t want to know it. In general, it seems to me that such things as secrets need to be negotiated ashore: there are different opinions on this matter, and in order to avoid broken hearts and deceived hopes, it is better to discuss the list of things that can be hidden, and which ones should not . It seems unreasonable for me to hide health problems (both physical and mental), money, work and, in fact, relationships — all this will sooner or later cease to be a secret. And with the rest, it seems to me, you can cope alone.
I believe the couple may have secrets from each other. Many at the beginning of a relationship, when everything is still built only on passion and love, strive to ensure that everything is shared, that there are no secrets, they want to grow into each other. At first it seems like a good idea, but it seems to me that when you catch yourself thinking that you want to completely dissolve in someone, you need to stop yourself. It is important to understand that you are a separate person, and another person too, no need to wait for you to be one. Therefore, I believe that there is nothing bad in some small and fearless secrets. As long as this secret is not a hoax, or an insult, or a betrayal, you can and should have them - it just means that you have your own zone, you cannot spend a hundred percent of your time on another.
My husband is more likely for the pair to have no secrets and everything was discussed. It seems to him that even petty and stupid incompleteness means that you do not trust him completely or do not let him into your space. It seems to me that you need to have a personal zone - as long as it does not affect his interests. If he believes that the secret offends him simply because he is, and not by what exactly it is, it seems to me that this is not a good enough reason, and it needs to be discussed. How do we resolve this contradiction? The husband does not seek to do something alone or to keep secrets from me. He is fine that I am doing this, but he himself is not comfortable.
What secrets can be valid? Of course, not love for another. But, for example, if I say that I will go to the cinema with my girlfriend, and in fact I am going to a master class and do not want him to know about it, this seems to me normal. Although, of course, if you think about it, this could reveal other aspects of my personality to him, and this could lead to something more global.
You need to understand what is meant by secrets in a relationship. It is important for me to know about global things: what worries my lover, what he dreams about, how he does at work, how his family is. I am sure that fundamental things cannot be hidden in relationships, and I believe that there can be no secrets in love, because any problem of one person automatically becomes a problem of two people, a couple. Of course, it is not at all necessary to solve everything together, sometimes it’s enough just to be near - this is a huge help. But if a loved one keeps many things secret, then he cannot completely trust you, and in that case what serious relationship can there be?
At the same time, I really don’t share everything with my beloved person, but not because I have secrets - I just don’t see any need for that. He knows about me exactly as much as he wants to know, knows my most important experiences, what worries me, what pleases, and the like. I do not often tell how my day passed, whom I saw, what I did and with whom I communicated, simply because, as a rule, this concerns my personal life, my friends, hobbies, affairs. But if a partner asks, I always tell.
I can not say that my young man fully shares my opinion, he does not always share with me, what he thinks, what he wants to do next in life, what he plans and dreams about, but not because he does not trust me, but rather because that he believes that he must deal with some things himself. Sometimes it offends me: it seems to me that relationships should be built exactly as I used to think, but in the end, everyone has their own ideas. When something seriously bothers me, I talk about it directly and, as a rule, I get answers to all the questions that concern me. In general, I rarely keep quiet when something does not suit me.
I think a man does not need to know how I look in a face mask, how much money I spend on underwear and how I met up with my friends. My beloved tells me almost nothing about past relationships, even when I ask, because she believes that everything that happened was in the past and you should not project the past into the future. In this I agree with him.
Before talking about secrets, you need to decide what we mean by secret. If I don’t say how much my new shoes that I bought myself cost, is that a secret? Or do not tell some cases that occurred at work - is this also a secret? Or is secret understood only treason? Or treason is not a secret, but treason? Conflict with a friend, about which the young man does not know, is a secret or simply uninteresting information?
I think secrets must be avoided by all means. First, where is the secret - there is a place for mistrust. Secondly, all the secret sooner or later becomes clear, and then there will be problems. The secret is to some extent a time bomb. On the other hand, not everyone can always live without secrets. But secrets are different. For example, there is an anecdote, as the guy kept a secret from the girl, that the rented apartment, which they pay in half, is actually his own, and he just tricked her into taking money. Such a secret, evil and dishonest, is the end of the relationship and disgusting in general.
In general, a lot depends on a particular person. For example, Leo Tolstoy once decided to tell his wife about his ex. Notice, he didn’t even confess, but told about the past. And she was upset, offended, cried the whole evening. I admit that in this case it made sense to keep everything secret or at least not to give details.
Probably secrets to salvation may be permissible. If, for example, someone naham me when my boyfriend is not around, I think about it ten times, tell him about it or not. After all, he wants to protect me or somehow punish the offender, and these are unsafe things. I don’t think that we are a great master of secrets with a partner, so it turned out by itself that we don’t have them. I just try to spread less on some things, and my young man feels that I don’t want to talk about something and doesn’t ask much.
I think that, first of all, partners should not have secrets concerning health, from chronic diseases and sexually transmitted diseases to allergies and various features of the body - all this is very important information. With STDs, of course, is understandable - this is a danger for both partners. I believe that it is also important not to hide the fact that you have a headache or that you feel bad - for a partner, this will at least be a reason to take care, and in extreme cases, for example, it can help identify some kind of illness in the early stages.
I am a very open person and I tell everything in general: how I was rude to the store, what the student told me in class - and I often express my emotions, saying that something infuriates me or upsets me. Of course, sharing your feelings is very difficult - my young man does not love my soulmakers and he never expresses his feelings out loud, he believes that this is not necessary. I understand his position on this matter, but I do not accept it.
I certainly want to know everything. But in nine years of relations, I realized that it is better to keep my opinion, first of all negative, about close relatives and best friends of a partner. You can not openly hate them and express it under any circumstances. If my young man does not like my best friend or mother, let him think it about himself, but he does not tell me. Of course, I will not leave him because of this, but I will suffer very much because I cannot bring my beloved people together.
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