"I am not inferior": I have not had a month
We often talk about the inconvenience of menstruation.: this is the eternal search for the ideal means of hygiene, fear of staining clothes, feeling unwell, pain in the stomach, and more difficulty in discussing the topic itself, which is still heavily taboo. Lack of periods is also not an easy topic: it can indicate different diseases, and it is no less difficult to talk about it - after all, in a society where the birth of a child is considered a woman’s destination, it is easy to acquire the status of “inferior” due to cycle violations. Sonya Borisova, who was confronted with a long amenorrhea, told how the treatment was going on and how this condition made her change her relationship with her own body and with the world around her.
Now I am twenty-one, and the story began almost three years ago: my periods stopped. At first I did not pay much attention to this and did not sound the alarm, I decided to just wait. It was autumn, a new semester began at the institute, at the same time I was working as a nanny - in general, it was not up to the doctors.
At that moment I had a very difficult relationship with my own body. I was painfully dissatisfied with my appearance and tortured myself: the periods of fasting gave way to breaks when I could eat an incredible amount of food. After that, I worried, cried, and sometimes beat myself hand and foot and screamed how I hate my body. Especially thick and ugly seemed to me hips.
When the monthly disappeared, I thought it was some kind of temporary "glitch" of the body and waited two months. Then she turned to a free clinic, where I wasn’t particularly examined - they only excluded pregnancy - and recommended to drink a course of hormonal pills, only ten days. This did not help, and I went to the doctor again. In this mode, I spent the whole winter and spring: a trip to the clinic, pills, tests with good results, recommendations to wait again, a trip to another doctor, and so on.
At first, I hated my body even more: I was angry that it was not only "ugly", but also unhealthy and "inferior"
In the end, my sister, having learned that there was no progress in the treatment, insisted on contacting a private doctor and in general brought a very important thought to me: this is not a joke, which can close your eyes, but a real problem. A young girl, who has no menstruation for half a year for an unknown reason, is at least strange and possibly dangerous. I was scared, I began to go to private doctors and undergo even more examinations - but nothing helped.
The worst thing is that one more factor was added to my negative self-perception: perhaps I am barren and I do not have an "important female function" - the possibility of having a baby. At first, I hated my body even more: I was angry that it was not only "ugly", but also unhealthy and "inferior." But gradually this situation filled me with such fighting spirit and self-confidence that I had never experienced before. I thought and rethought the public "prescriptions" on how a woman should look like, how she should behave and what her "purpose" is all the same.
Why am I exhausting myself physically and mentally? Why does so many women around do it? How can having a child and a husband determine whether a woman happened in this life or not? I understood that perhaps the perspectives and goals of my life are now being determined, and if my body is fruitless, this should not be the end of the world. I have a lot of other opportunities, I can devote my life to travel, creativity, work, self-development. In the end, I can do a good deed by taking a foster child.
In general, my idea was simple: I am not incomplete, I am as I am, with my appearance and health. I love myself and want to enjoy life. All these thoughts flooded me with my head - I plunged into the study of feminism and bodypositive, and finally came to balance. Of course, I continued the treatment, but without panic and destructive thoughts in the style of "what will I do on this earth if I cannot give birth?" I continued the treatment just to be healthy and avoid unpleasant consequences.
They explained to me that if you do not treat ovarian dysfunction, then the changes may become irreversible, and the risk of cardiovascular diseases, osteoporosis, and diabetes mellitus also increases. Mom and sisters supported me very much: in my new perception of myself, and financially - treatment in private clinics costs a lot. The situation hit my father hard - he was very worried about my probable infertility and spoke out on this subject more than once. I am not offended - after all, the way he perceives it is predetermined by culture and society.
In the end, I found a good doctor and infinitely grateful to her. After all the examinations, it was decided that amenorrhea was caused by stress - there were no other problems in the body. The doctor made a treatment plan, and first I had to saturate the body with essential vitamins, and only then I started to drink hormones. Two years later, the treatment worked, and I finally started my period. While the therapy is not over, I regularly do ultrasounds, and until the final recovery is still far away.
When I told my father that I was recovering, he first of all declared that then we must give birth as soon as possible, since health allows, and “wait and wait for the institute”
A funny fact, once again confirming what kind of world we live in: when I told my father that I was recovering, he first of all declared that then we must give birth as soon as possible, since health allows, and "the institute and work will wait." My father is a good man, and I love him - but such cases illustrate how much our society is permeated with archaic ideas.
This experience greatly influenced my work. Now I am painting body-positive illustrations and in my instagram account I try to tell and show that any body deserves respect and does not need to be guided by invented standards of beauty and reproach myself for “not that” appearance. I am sure that hatred of my body, attempts to lose weight and lack of rest in peace led me to amenorrhea. Without imposed standards of beauty, girls would experience less stress and less tears. If there were no negative attitude towards women who cannot or do not want to have children, they would have ceased to be under tremendous pressure. I'm tired of thinking that something owes everything to everyone. I will enjoy life regardless of whether I have children and whether there are stretch marks on the bottom.