If you got excited: How to apologize correctly
In the heat of quarrel, we sometimes say or do something offensive to our loved ones or friends. What to do if evil and unfair words have already broken out of the tongue, or you slammed the door and went into the night, and now you realize that you did it in vain? The words "forgive me" is not always enough. How to apologize to a loved one and make contact?
Do not scatter in verbose apologies
Firstly, it devalues the words “forgive” and “excuse me”. Especially you should not do this if you are still angry with your opponent and feel that you have “not clarified” the relationship. Your apologies will sound disingenuous, and with a high probability you will go back to the charges. Next time, a close person will not trust your “Sorry, I was wrong,” because they will know that these words may suddenly turn into a second attack. Such a feeling of insecurity beats on trust, so make it a rule to ask for forgiveness only when you are really ready to put up. And be sure to exclude constructions like: "I agree, I was wrong, but you ..."
Give another time
If your partner (parent, friend, child) says that he needs time to recover, give him a person - as long as it takes. In a conflict, the one who was hit, feels disenfranchised, depressed and deprived of power. To “push aside” the aggressor, to give yourself time to “see oneself” means to return control over the situation. Therefore, be patient and do not insist on the immediate resumption of communication.
Let the man go for a walk, read a book on the couch or lock himself in the next room and not go out. If you are tormented by guilt feelings, you can go up once and ask if he is ready to accept your apologies. If still not, be patient and wait for more. Everyone takes a different time to leave.
Do not bite yourself
Admitting one’s wrong and eating oneself are two different things. Internal torments will rather lead to the fact that you are again angry with your partner, and the conflict will come to a new level. Sometimes it seems that how to be “tolerated” is a sufficient punishment, so there is no need to apologize. Of course, this is not so: the second side needs concrete actions - maybe a sincere conversation or even compensation, and not your torment. Better tell the other person that you are sorry and very upset about what happened.
Sometimes such a scenario unfolds: the aggressor, who had just shouted, is so upset because of his incontinence, that already a partner has to console him: "Well, you, I will forgive you, nothing terrible." This manipulation, undoubtedly pleasant for the aggressor, but destructive for relationships. Agree, all the same to receive a consolation and indemnification the suffered party should.
Listen to the answer - and listen to it.
Usually in any conflict there is a more active and more passive side. When you shout or blame, and the second participant in the quarrel silently listens, cries or leaves the room, then you are the active side, and she or he is passive. Get ready for the fact that after the apology, your roles will change. It is likely that after the word "sorry" you will fall back on the accusations. If you are determined to stop the quarrel and translate the conversation into a constructive channel, do not respond immediately. Try to pay attention to the feelings of the interlocutor and his reaction in the stream of insult. This is something worth listening to and worth considering for the future.
Acknowledge the feelings
This is one of the most effective and most difficult techniques, and here the previous point is useful to you, in which you tried to understand the feelings of the second side. To admit is not to agree with the position of a partner and abandon your own. You may still disagree, but at the same time admit that for her or him such feelings and reactions to events are real: "When we quarreled and I left to see friends late, you felt abandoned and unnecessary. It must have been hard." Notice, here you no longer promise not to go away to your friends and do not even say that your reaction was wrong. You only recognize the reality of the second person: he felt abandoned and it was hard for him.
“Forgive me, you probably felt hurt and scared when you were in such a hurry to come to me, and instead of“ hello ”I began to shout that you were late all the time and I was tired of waiting for you forever. Again, you are not saying that you are ready to accept further delays, but you acknowledge that receiving such a greeting was very offensive and could even scare you.
Do something nice for a person
If the other party is seriously offended and you feel that apologies and conversations are not enough, offer some kind of active compensation. Best of all in the open: "I feel very guilty (guilty). I want to do something for you. Let me (...)?" The best option is to go somewhere together, prepare your favorite dish, spend the evening the way the offended person wants. Or ask a person what you could do for him.
Compensation in the form of gifts, perhaps the weakest. There is nothing wrong with gifts in their own right, but the contribution of money and things implies minimal emotional and activity involvement. When the emotional connection between people has suffered, it is necessary to “repair” it, and for this purpose joint activities and care are best suited.
Develop a constructive solution
There are no flashes of anger out of the blue - it is important to understand what was their real reason. If you have completed at least a few previous items, it will be much easier to track it. Now, after the apologies have been made, it is important to work out with the other side tactics that will prevent the recurrence of violent quarrels. It is necessary that the circumstances and behavior of the second person do not put pressure on your "red buttons", whether they are late ("I and my time are neglected"), or a mountain of scattered shoes in the corridor ("Nobody here values me and respects my work!" ), or the disappearance of a loved one from the connection ("I was so worried, but you just did not charge the phone").
Photo: Zazzle, Bold Faced Goods
