Haight sex: Why do we sleep with those we hate
Even if you have never met the phrase "hate sex" (that is, sex built on hating partners to each other), you probably know what it is - at least because this story is replicated by popular culture. A pair of heroes exchange barbs, and then suddenly kiss and engage in passionate sex - such a scene can be seen regularly in movies or TV shows.
A classic example is the episode in the fourth season of Gossip Girl, where Blair and Chuck speak directly to each other: “I hate you” - “I have never hated anyone more,” and then passion envelops them. There are other options - for example, like Buffy and Spike in Buffy, where characters start having sex right in the middle of a fight. This scene, however, can be viewed as a symbol of self-destruction - with each action of the heroes, the building where they are literally cracks at the seams.
There are situations that are closer to life — say, the story of Charlotte and Harry from Sex and the City. Charlotte even chooses Harry specifically as a divorce lawyer, because he doesn’t attract her at all, and it’s more convenient for her to do business. After recognizing Harry, Charlotte agrees to have sex - and he turns out to be so good that she decides to reconsider her attitude towards a partner who does not like her outwardly. But these are variants from series - in life, as usual, everything is more complicated.
Speaking of anger in sex, it is important to understand the line between sex "on emotion" and coercion. Having sex with a partner who doesn’t attract outwardly, but for some reason seems sexual, and consenting to sex, which you don’t want, after much persuasion is a very different situation: in the second case, it’s worth talking about violence. However, for most of us, voluntary sex with a partner that we do not like also seems unthinkable. Partly it is a matter of cultural attitudes: we are used to associating sex with love, or at least sympathy and interest in each other - so all other options look unlikely. However, this is not always the case. “Sex and love are two different experiences and processes,” says Jessica O'Reilly, a sexologist, “In our culture, sex and love are inseparable, and one is considered impossible without the other. But very often this is not so.”
The situation when two people want to have sex because they consider each other attractive, although they understand that they could never be in a relationship, is customary - unlike the opposite. However, a partner may not be attractive in appearance or not like those whom we usually choose - but arrange according to other parameters. "Appearance, I think, in principle, can not be the only basis for sexual relationships. More important is the similarity of temperaments," - said the psychologist, narrative practice Mary Preobrazhenskaya. According to the clinical and Jungian psychologist Maria Dolgopolova, sex with a partner who fits perfectly with our aesthetic preferences can constrain and arouse self-doubt or remind of a traumatic experience. "Sex with" imperfect "partners, on the contrary, from time to time may turn out more successful due to our own ability to relax, have fun, forget about their requirements for themselves and others," she says.
Maria Dolgopolova believes that voluntary sex with a partner that we don’t like can be successful for other reasons. The reality may be richer than our ideas about it - sometimes we do not know about our potential and preferences, which were not manifested before: “For example, by agreeing to communicate, and then to sex with a person who we don’t seem to like, we can discover that we begin to become emotionally attached to him, we began to notice his hidden merits, now we want physical contact with him. "
Conflict arises when a person’s beliefs and actions diverge - for example, if he continues to see and have sex with a partner, regarding him as “unworthy” and not respecting himself for his choice.
At the same time, the desire to have sex with people who are unpleasant to us, needs to be analyzed: as is the case with sexual addiction, it is important to understand whether these actions do not interfere with other needs and whether they actually bring along with a strong desire and emotions the discomfort. There is a line between attraction to a person whom we would not pay attention to in other conditions and relationships that are potentially dangerous for us and can harm us - although it is not always visible at first glance. “There are cases when we are attracted to things that have hurt us in the past,” said Jesse Kahn, a licensed clinical social worker. “For example, your father had many narcissistic traits and this affected you as a child. This may affect your preferences and in adulthood. "
Maria Dolgopolova believes that the situation of sex with a partner who does not attract us with something can be potentially unhealthy if there is an internal conflict. For example, in the case when we meet a person who we did not like at first, but we agree to communicate and sex and gradually get involved, much depends on our own actions and decisions. “The absence of an internal conflict will either decide that the partner still doesn’t meet the wishes stated by ourselves and minimize interaction with him; or decide to build relationships with him and treat respectfully — feel what you love him for, you appreciate, you sincerely do not consider yourself a loser, who, because of fear, behaves as if he does not deserve more, "she notes. According to the expert, an internal conflict arises when a person’s beliefs and actions diverge - for example, if he continues to see and have sex with a partner, regarding him as “unworthy” and not respecting himself for his choice.
There are other cases - for example, Yulia, a girl who has had heit sex, believes that he is also connected in her life with self-dislike; this caused and strong emotions that covered her when she had sex with a man who would like to erase from life. "When you love, during sex (and after) you experience tenderness, passion, appreciation and everything that goes hand in hand - and this is, without a doubt, great," says Yulia. She adds that heyt sex gives a range of feelings: "This pain from the fact that you sink to the very bottom, and the excitement of what is happening - sex, which even without it would be good, becomes so filled with emotions that in the chest closely."
Sex can not replace a frank conversation with a partner or replace the usual apology. Although you may feel better, tracking down what went wrong will not work.
Strong emotions - that attracts many in heyt-sex. “For some reason, I feel negative emotions more fully and more acutely than positive ones,” says Yulia, “therefore sex in an evil state is like a pure concentrate of passion, a sincere impulse; you get the feeling that you are truly alive.” This can be attributed to another sex "on emotion", close to hate-sex, but it is not: for example, after a quarrel, as a way to make peace, or before parting, when partners no longer have the same feelings, but still can and want give each other pleasure. True, there are pitfalls.
If they are understandable for sex before parting or after it (you should not do it, if you are not sure of breaking up or if only one of the partners was the initiator - otherwise someone might regret having sex or parting), then it is harder with conciliatory sex . Firstly, there is always the risk that due to anger the partners will be inattentive to each other, and hard sex will quickly turn into violence. Secondly, although some couples use it as a quick and easy way to settle a conflict, things are not so straightforward. Whatever good means of detente may be sex, and no matter how hormones act positively on us, sex alone cannot solve problems in a relationship - unless it helps to quickly move away from conflict. Sex can not replace a frank conversation with a partner or replace the usual apology. Although it is possible that you will feel better, it’s impossible to track what went wrong and what needs to be done to prevent the conflict from recurring in the future.
In the end, the main thing that you need to understand about sex, seasoned with negative emotions - behind it can hide a variety of states, reactions and desires. Whatever the sex, you need to check with your feelings and needs - and take care of yourself and your comfort. "We should not forget that sometimes, agreeing to have sex with an unwanted person, in the process you can find only that he is really unpleasant. And then the best that remains to be done is to respect the real readiness of your body and the tastes of your psyche," concludes Maria Dolgopolova .
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