Dislike: Why not feeling feelings for a child is normal
We were looking for heroines for this material. in one of the "mommy" facebook groups - and on the very first day more than seventy women responded. They wrote that immediately after the birth of the child they experienced relief, joy, fear, responsibility, fatigue and a whole range of feelings - but they were not covered by the wave of love promised by the books and stories of their friends. It got worse because they were blamed by their loved ones for this; to fatigue and misunderstanding added guilt. We tried to figure out where the opinion about the compulsory influx of feelings for the newborn came from and why it doesn’t occur at all.
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caress ". But this did not happen - after a long and painful labor only apathy was felt, and the first crying of the child did not cause any feelings. In the first days after discharge, Lena did everything she needed to care for the child, but mechanically, without experiencing any emotions - and sobbed when her husband left for work. After trying to talk to two close friends, it became even worse - they didn’t understand what was going on at all. Lena could not understand what was happening to her, but also scolded herself for not being able to give birth to a baby naturally - long birth ended Cesarean section. At such moments it is hard without support - Lena's situation was aggravated by the fact that she had to hide these feelings and thoughts from those around her.
In books about pregnancy and childbirth, on many sites and in applications dedicated to this process, they say that the birth of a child is accompanied by a huge tide of feelings, unconditional love and an extraordinary feeling of happiness. This is especially true for resources devoted to "natural" genera - without anesthesia, on all fours, and with instant laying out of the newborn on the mother's breast. Really,
There is evidence that the skin-to-skin contact of the child with the mother (or with the father, for example, after a complex cesarean section) is useful - it stabilizes the physiological parameters of the newborn and contributes to the formation of the parents' connection with the new family member. In fact, with this contact, the release of oxytocin, also known as the “hormone of attachment”, occurs.
Oxytocin is an interesting substance; For more than a hundred years, doctors understood that it plays an important role in the processes of childbirth and the production of breast milk - but did not think about why in this case men need it. Everything changed in the 1990s, when scientists began to pay attention to such "ephemeral" concepts as love, passion, affection. It turned out that oxytocin is involved in the sexual arousal of men and women, and in the formation of psychological intimacy - both in pairs and between children and parents. Oxytocin and brain receptors that react to it, play a role in the formation of the characteristic "maternal behavior" - the desire to protect and feed the baby. The levels of this hormone increase during sex, as well as when the mother or father takes the child in her arms.
At the same time, it is rather difficult to measure its concentration, because this hormone disintegrates very quickly - but it still can be done in research. Scientists have found that with a completely normal course of pregnancy, oxytocin levels in different women can be very, very different - from 50 to 2000 pg / ml. In addition, there was no definite pattern of its changes: in some, the concentration of oxytocin continued to increase throughout pregnancy, in others it decreased, and in others it fluctuated. What does this mean in practice? That any woman can be in the lower part of the range, and instant falling in love with a newborn will not arise, even if all wishes for the most natural childbirth are met. On the other hand, although after a cesarean section, especially a planned, abrupt release of oxytocin into the blood does not occur, its background level may be high enough to form an instant attachment.
It turns out that the rush of love for the newborn is largely due to hormones, and even the methods aimed at increasing the level of oxytocin do not work for everyone - and women continue to feel guilty about what is beyond their control. The pressure of others also does not help to feel like a good mother - and it is shown by medical workers, relatives, and even friends who have no children. Anastasia I. says that after giving birth without anesthesia, relief came first, that the work was done - but the doctor immediately commented: "Why are you not happy?" At her
for some reason, childless girlfriends had the idea that motherhood sharply fills life with meaning and unconditional happiness, and when trying to talk about the difficulties, Anastasia heard only an annoying answer: "But you are doing a great thing." Another heroine, Tanya V., says that she met many breastfeeding counselors and other female friends who considered themselves experts in the degree of love for the child - and allowed themselves to comment on her feelings. “This is ridiculous, but also offensive - and it’s easy to offend the mother of a baby,” she says.
Mom is criticized by all and sundry - and it’s impossible to please everyone. You have been sitting with a child for several years - a hen, went to work early - you do not care about the baby. Condemnation can occur for any reason - and to admit that you do not feel love for the newborn, it seems simply indecent (for good reason most of the heroines asked not to indicate their surnames). Natalia L. says that a couple of weeks after giving birth, she walked down the street with a stroller and cried, realizing that she did not feel anything for the child, except for a sense of responsibility - she wanted to return her past life. When she replied negatively to the comments of a friend about how cool being a mother was, she caused a wave of anger and a story that she was a bad mother. Some women are more lucky: Anastasia K. faced a misunderstanding of her husband, but her mother explained to her that it was not always easy to accept a new person (child) into her life, and it was perfectly normal not to experience that frenzy of love.
When do feelings start to change? All different. Many mothers say that love came with pity or fear when the child first fell ill - his defenselessness caused a new wave of emotions. Others admit that they loved their son or daughter closer to a year or even later, when a tangible feedback appeared: smiles, speech, active actions. Of course, the environment also influences on the expression of emotions: love is easier to feel when childcare responsibilities are divided in half, and city streets are fully adapted for comfortable walks with wheelchairs. The ability to do favorite things and transfer household chores to assistants are conditions that contribute much better to a good mood than constant nervousness and lack of sleep.
Actually, depression in the first days after birth, the so-called baby blues, is not less known than hormonal euphoria. It is not customary to talk about him - and it is clear why, because we still live in a society where we are encouraged to “be positive” and tears are condemned. It would be great if the resources devoted to pregnancy and childbirth, and experts in managing patients honestly told that at birth a child can experience a variety of feelings - and in most cases they are normal and do not characterize the maternal qualities.
Parenthood, especially at the initial stage, is a multifaceted thing; these are not only joyful moments, but also physical fatigue, and mood swings under the influence of hormones, and constant questions to oneself. This is a lot of fears - from the fear that the child will get sick, to the misunderstanding of how to raise him as a good person. Least of all in this situation, people are waiting for the condemnation of outsiders for experiencing some "wrong" feelings. As one of our heroines, Anastasia I., says, "everyone around told about the amazing smell of a baby, and one I could only smell the soap from his skin - but that does not mean that I am not a good enough mother for him".
Images: geniuskp - stock.adobe.com, nektoetkin - stock.adobe.com (1, 2, 3, 4)