How to help a loved one in depression
Depression is one of the most common. mental illness of our time, but the attitude towards it remains ambiguous. We live in a society aimed at success and well-being, where it is not customary to talk openly about what is bad for you, and also to ask for help, recognizing our "defeat." At the same time, depression has a veil of not a serious disease, but of caprice and posturing: as shown by the recent experience of our colleagues, even adult and cultural people most often believe that a “normal” person will not be depressed if you tune in to a positive one, and this problem can and should be handled on its own (this is not so).
Meanwhile, a competent, understanding attitude of others is important for the timely diagnosis and support of patients with depression no less than their own desire to recover. This process is unlikely to be quick and painless, but it can be facilitated if you act in a planned and conscious manner. The psychotherapist Olga Miloradova explains what you need to be prepared for if your relative, friend or loved one suffers from depression.
Depression is "sanitized" by pop culture: it seems to be talking about her, or admitting her illness is far less terrible than, for example, in schizophrenia. But at the same time, this “far less” works after the fact, when a person is cured or is in remission: only then he can discuss and analyze what he experienced with humor, and possibly without, but still “healthy”. But not at that moment when you find him wearing stale pajamas in bed at three in the afternoon in tears or silent apathy.
The thing is that most of us have not encountered such situations and can be confident that a depressed person just needs a little sun or a couple of trips to the gym. All the joy of revelation goes to loved ones, and even the most faithful person can not stand it and get lost, start ignoring the situation or capitulate altogether. Everyone loves cheerful people, but a true friend is known when it is known. The scale of the difficulties you face is difficult to assess in advance, but in order to survive them, it is important to correctly calculate your actions and understand what you are facing.
It is worth starting with generally being more attentive to each other. Paradoxically, it is often the suicide of a partner, child, friend or sister that comes as a surprise to others. And this is the most terrible thing: in spite of the fact that the problem was most likely visible, no one noticed it or gave it any meaning. The greatest danger lurks in this emotional and social blindness. Now we started talking about jointly coping with serious diseases and even dedicating whole blogs to this fight - it helps to remove the stigma from an equally frightening topic of oncology and show the importance of mutual support. This is a very important process, and depression deserves no less thoughtful and attentive attitude: in fact, few people realize that this disease is potentially fatal and often ends in suicide.
Most often, relatives see changes: they can not be overlooked. The situation is complicated by the fact that these changes can be completely different: someone becomes more whiny or silent, almost always sad, perhaps irritable. Most often he does not want to get up in the morning, he misses his studies or work, perhaps he begins to consume more alcohol, someone loses his appetite, someone, on the contrary, “sticks” his anguish. In an ideal world, I would advise simply to talk to a person and ask what is happening to him, but in the real world, many may be married for decades and not able to discuss issues of feelings and emotions. So here's a piece of advice from afar: learn to talk with each other. Learn to express what you think and feel. Learn to admit that you are scared and anxious and you do not understand what is happening, but would very much like to help. Do not blame.
For a depressed person it is especially important that they love him not just for something, but just like that. If you emphasize that you see the "loss" of his merits, to mention that in general he has always been the merry soul of the company, and you lack his energy and infectious laughter, then it will be much more difficult or almost impossible to admit in the depths of his depression. Moreover, it is necessary to understand and accept an important thing: most often, depression returns. Of course there are those cases when something terrible happened and the person under the weight of this event just broke, could not stand it, and he developed a depression. Such cases are, by and large, more favorable, in the sense that such an episode can be truly singular, and your entire future life together will no longer be darkened by the pain and longing of your loved one. If depression has developed out of the blue, then the chances of it returning are large enough, if not to say one hundred percent.
On the other hand, if a person has already suffered the first episode and has been successfully cured, or rather, he is still in remission, then, firstly, both he and you already have experience and understanding of what is happening to him, a healing experience. It is very important. Actually, your very important function is to remind him that everything is curable. After all, sitting in his dark pit, he can forget about it, well, or somehow not really believe it.
But be that as it may, the first is an episode, the second or the fifth, you should not rely on your strength or on the fact that the organism has “trained” and this time will cope on its own. Even if you are not sure that the case is bad - do not pull, do everything possible and consult a psychiatrist. Take a man in the arm if necessary. Often, thoughts of death are born in a person depressed, not because he wants to die so much, but because it is unbearably painful for him to live (or an unbearably painful insensitivity, or an overwhelming feeling of anxiety - that's how lucky it is) A depressed patient does not believe that this terrible, intolerable condition can be somehow stopped, except to stop existing in principle. And it is very important that someone be near, reminding that this is not so, and there is something to fight for.
Remember that the first visit to the doctor is not a magic session, and everything will not return to its place, as if by magic. Often, on the contrary, this period may turn out to be even more dangerous, since, for example, when prescribing antidepressants, activity appears before the depression passes. And, say, if before that a man lay unable to stand up and crawl to the balcony to jump from there, then he may very well have such strength. That is why, if there are real suspicions of suicidal intent, the doctor may insist on hospitalization. In such a case, do not be afraid of punitive psychiatry and protest. Unless, of course, you have the opportunity to be around 24 hours a day: you can’t even imagine how little time is needed to commit suicide.
It seems to be the most simple and self-evident rule - provide support to your loved one. But it is very difficult, and we must be ready for this. The support mainly consists in stepping on one’s throat of desires and being the minimum irritant that is always there. And, maybe, silently hugging or wrapping up in a blanket, or going for a walk, without being bothered by attempts to amuse you with familiar joys. At some point it becomes necessary too, but it is very important to learn to feel the person’s mood and again ask what is most comfortable for him now, without bothering him. Perhaps on this path you will also need the support of a therapist, and there is nothing to worry about. Yes, it all sounds difficult, but then it is "in joy and in sorrow."
Images: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 via Shutterstock
