There was no desire to obey: I work Dominatrix
In the XXI century, it is indecent to speakthat a woman is “submissive by nature,” although from the point of view of morality and ethics, BDSM, like many role-playing games and new sexual practices, remains in the gray zone, and many people raise questions about the compatibility of feminist views with BDSM. We already went to the femdom master class, talked about a conscious approach to BDSM and practices that are suitable for beginners, and now talked with Wei Vesper, a professional dominatrix and a feminist who blogs about her instagram adventures and a YouTube channel.
Interest and negative experience
I do not even remember when BDSM began to be interested in, I think, at the age of thirteen. I feel as if I always knew about it. At fourteen or fifteen, I registered on some Moscow BDSM forum. I wrote very little, basically I read, I looked at the photos: bound men in the forest, women with a whip, that's all. In addition to aesthetics, I liked the idea that pain can be transformed: I have a special relationship with pain, I can easily bear it. It was always incomprehensible to me why other people cry when they break a knee.
At seventeen, I met my first BDSM club. An unpleasant story happened to me there, which I recently described in detail on instagram: one of the party organizers persuaded me to a personal session, during which I was very bored, and he violated all possible rules of the MDD(the basic rule of BDSM, stands for "security, voluntariness, rationality" - you can read more about this here. - Ed.). He also shared the details of the session with everyone he knew - in a small town the information spread instantly. After this incident, I temporarily tied up with BDSM. At twenty I started traveling and visited BDSM clubs and meetings in different cities. I finally learned what MDD is, what aftercare is(attention and care shown by the dominants after the session to make sure that everything is ok with the submissive. - Appro. Ed.)and realized that the experience that I had was something beyond good and evil: having heard my story, many subjects were terrified.
In addition to aesthetics, I liked the idea that pain can be transformed: I have a special relationship with pain, I easily bear it
I could not decide whether I was submissive or dominant, I wanted to try everything - I conducted sessions with men and women, in different roles. I do not want to offend anyone, but in my experience literate dominant men were much less than women: probably the right level of care is shown only by the man with whom you are in a relationship, and women, even unfamiliar ones, are generally more empathetic. I think that patriarchal culture simply prevents dominant men from treating Sabers properly.
I have never had a sincere desire to obey someone, none of the dominants with whom I spoke, did not make me thrill. Once, an experienced Dominatrix talked to me and said: "Why do these guys bind you all the time, you try to connect someone yourself." She held for me a trial twenty-minute session so that I could try myself as dominoes with her permanent submissives. And I really liked this feeling of power, control. When you are worshiped as a goddess, that's cool.
First client and financial domination
My first client appeared quite unexpectedly. I worked as a waitress in a restaurant, it was quite a private institution where you could not get off the street, there were very rich people there. Nobody paid any attention to me: a lot of glamorous girls worked there, and I dressed like a teenager, came to work in a T-shirt with Harry Potter. I was then twenty-one years old; I had no goal at all to glue a millionaire or get married.
Once, after the restaurant was closed, we sat and celebrated the manager's birthday. But here came one regular customer, whom they could not keep out of - because he is such a whole VIP from VIPs. He drank it, grabbed my hand and began to offer any obscenities, I sent him in three letters. I myself am from a fairly well-to-do family, it never seemed to me that super-rich people are special. He was shocked by this reaction, squeezed my hand even harder, I gave him a slap in the face. When he tried to kiss me, I grabbed his hair, pulled him away and said: "So, if you don’t stop now, I will do something really bad." And then I noticed that his pupils were dilated - he liked that I was pulling his hair. It had never even occurred to me that he was a submissive.
When the session was over, he took out the Swiss francs, I said: “What are you trying to deceive me? Candy wrappers for yourself, thrust them into the ass, I will take either dollars or rubles”
I had a first short session with him at his hotel. Shouted at him, mother, said that his money does not mean anything. He liked it very much, he wondered how impudent I was. When the session was over, he took out the Swiss francs, I said: “What are you trying to deceive me? I’m going to put these wrappers in candy wrappers, I’ll take either dollars or rubles.” Then he recognized my phone number, started calling, asked me to make a Schengen visa, came to him to Switzerland, but I refused. So began our, so to speak, relationship.
It seems to me that I became the first in many years a person who did not treat him obsequiously. He asked me for a photo of my biceps (he had a kink for a workout at all) - I sent him to the dick, said I had no time, he liked it very much. It turned out that he was in the topic of financial domination - then I didn’t know at all what such existed. I came and his foul language, he bought me expensive gifts, cars, real estate. Then the working relationship began to turn into a personal one; I was not very happy about it already. I did not want to enter into any romantic ties, especially with a man of his age and status. After a year and a half, we completely stopped communicating.
Moving to the US and Psychiatry
I moved to the USA - I started studying at Yale University as a psychiatrist, first I worked in the department, then I got a job in rehab, where I helped people with drug and alcohol addiction. It was hard and ungrateful work: it’s difficult to communicate with people who are in such a mental state all the time, I was constantly crying. Somehow I came home, started crying and telling my husband that I was tired of all this: "As I got everything, with whom I need to communicate at work, why I can not just beat people for money." To this my husband, who knew about my experience, offered me to become a professional dominant: he told me that there are clubs in the USA - danjens, where dominans are paid a salary. The next day I found an ad for a Dominatrix recruitment, I was immediately called in for an interview. I said that I can work with floggers, stacks, wax, needles, and make basic bondage. They promised to teach everything else, but the training turned out to be quite formal: they just brought me to another girl’s session and I watched for ten minutes how she worked. If I had my own dange, I would give much more attention to learning. The rest of the skills had to turn out in the field.
After a couple of months, I moved to a private team - an association of several dominatrixes, who themselves are looking for clients and renting an apartment or a hotel room for sessions, whereas there is a specially equipped room in the dange and a manager who agrees with clients and makes a schedule. In danzhen there are downsides: due to the fact that they pay much less than in private practice, sometimes you have to agree to sessions that you are not very pleasant. Nobody, of course, forces anyone, but there are situations when "there is no money, okay, I will meet with this jerk."
Sometimes after a session you need to cry, because this is a very strong emotional experience, adrenaline rush. Many cope with their internal blocks, panic attacks
In a private team, I didn’t like a non-professional organization, clients were often late, there were delays. The session in principle lasts fifty minutes, but in reality it turns out much more: first you communicate with the client, tell how everything works, ask how he will serve you, you agree in detail about everything. After the session, the person also needs a little time to go to the shower and exhale in general. And the next client is already behind the door. I realized that I was not a team player, and went into free swimming.
Now I myself can monitor my time, the client comes when it is convenient for me. Well, the money is three times more. I have practically no new customers, if I recruit someone, they are acquaintances of my acquaintances. In the US, there is a site that promotes the dominatrix, but I bypass such resources, because such work can still have a negative impact on obtaining citizenship. I sometimes go to thematic meetings, but rather just to communicate with colleagues. Sometimes right at a meeting you can hold a small trial session with an interested client.
Stockholm Syndrome and Care
I call the style of my communication with submissives "Stockholm syndrome": first we have a "honeymoon" when I am very gentle, kind and attentive, and then abruptly become angry and unpredictable. So I bring the submissive to the state of the first emotional peak, and then again become caring. One could say that I use the same patterns that the abusers in the relationship. But, of course, all this does not happen in reality. The details of the session are always agreed in advance, we always discuss what we will and will not do, with what intensity and so on. Another submissive always has a set of stop words or the opportunity to leave the game situation for a moment and ask them to stop. I take into account that the sub can be in a state changed from adrenaline, so from time to time I ask whether he is in order, whether he needs a break, a glass of water or a cigarette.
Care is the main part of such games. You need to be very careful, not only to monitor the physical and mental state of the submissive during the session, but also to understand how your actions can affect it in the long term, eliminate any possibility of irreversible effects. I also always arrange aftercare, which is far from being done by many. We can just sit, having embraced, we can discuss something, sometimes a sabu wants to cry from a splash of feelings and adrenaline and endorphins. This is a normal situation, I myself feel it for myself at a younger age.
With the help of sessions, many cope with their internal blocks, panic attacks and other problems. Recently, I talked about BDSM with one of my professors who is involved in women's post-traumatic behavior: he said that some people cope with PTSD by dominance or submissiveness.
Tendency to BDSM is not a mental disorder: there is a study that people practicing BDSM are less prone to aggression, psychosis, panic attacks precisely because a strong emotional outburst occurs at a session. Someone for the same effect, jumping with a parachute, gambling, and someone comes to the session. BDSM helped one of my friends with PTSD: she tried herself as a dominant and this helped her cope with the consequences of violence, a phobia of men, a phobia of intimacy, literally disappeared at once. I tell about it when someone tries to declare that BDSM is “for sick people”.
It happened that I was excited during the session, but this is a second sensation. It seems to me that if you like an occupation, whatever it is, you will have sympathy for the people with whom you work.
Some of my clients come primarily for psychological support, even psychological substitution: for example, a person feels guilty for something, but cannot punish himself, therefore he asks me. One client asked: "Punish me for the fact that I am so worthless and still can not find myself a girl." After the session, I had a psychotherapeutic conversation with him: she explained that it was not necessary to come to me, that he could talk with her potential partner - and she would hardly condemn his addiction to BDSM. His kink was a ball-busting, so I told him: "Believe me, dear, many girls dream of kicking a guy in the balls, she is unlikely to refuse." After that, he no longer came, and after several months wrote: "Thank you very much for your advice." I do not know the details, but it seems that I did a good deed.
The main requests are whipping, humiliation, ball-busting, golden rain. Seven out of ten men ask for a strapon, in principle, this is easily explained, because it is a taboo, this is the basis of all BDSM culture. Surprisingly rarely ask for role-playing games. My taboos are medical play and feminization, humiliation through comparing with a woman, dressing up and performing a "female role". I do not think that being a woman is humiliating, so I do not spend such sessions.
Since during the sessions any sexual contact is excluded, there is no sexual connotation for me in this, and they do not come for this, but for an intense emotional impact. Sometimes the client asks for permission to masturbate, I usually refuse, but if he is already very well behaved, I can allow as an exception. It happened that I was excited during the session, and up to the man I may not be attracted at all, but in the position of a pleading slave who gives blowjob to a rubber member, he suddenly seems to me cute. But this is a second sensation. It seems to me that if you like your work, whatever it is, you will have sympathy for the people with whom you work.
Feminism and future plans
I was lucky, I was always surrounded by people who supported me. Mom always said that I can do what I want, if only I was safe and happy. She trusts me and considers me a responsible adult, perhaps because I started to get into trouble very early and made all the recklessness to eighteen years, and then I calmed down. When she found out about that unpleasant situation with that first club, she, of course, was worried, but rather because she was afraid for me. Now I can share everything with her in general, I am very grateful for that.
I often discuss my work with my husband: at first, I came home every day with burning eyes, showing videos or photos: "Look, this time I kicked him harder!" My husband absolutely does not mind, we together analyze the interesting kinks of my clients, trying to understand where they could come from. I adore him for not being a judgmental person at all. In America, generally easier to relate to everything. No one climbs into your affairs and will not inquire about what you are doing - and if I tell, no one says “foo.” On the contrary, when I start talking about my work, about kinks that I meet, people relax and start to be themselves - it becomes easy to communicate right away, as if we already have a “little dirty secret” and we can’t pretend. Friends often ask to tell something interesting about work. They, by the way, persuaded me to start blogging like a dominatrix. I didn’t know how my subscribers would react - I had an instagram blog dedicated exclusively to feminism (unfortunately, that account was blocked). But my subscribers were delighted when they found out what I was doing - I was pleasantly surprised by such a positive reaction.
Over the summer I earned my studies, now I will devote more time to myself. I want to develop as a psychiatrist, using the experience gained in practice
After my unexpectedly popular thread on Twitter, which I called "One Like - One Slap in the Ass", the first negative comments came down: they called me "a prostitute who does not want to fulfill her duties," and "an evil femky who hates men." Some girls wrote that women could not genuinely like BDSM, and accused me of “engaging in prostitution”, “serving men” - these are really unpleasant comments to me. I do not think this is about me - I do not have sex for money.
I do not plan to be a professional dominatrix all my life, I think this is still a hobby of youth. I have earned my studies this summer, now I will devote more time to myself, I plan to spend no more than four or five sessions per month, although there used to be up to five per day. I want to develop as a psychiatrist, using the experience gained in practice, to take part in research. My supervisor was very interested when I told him that I have an insider experience in BDSM, as this is a completely unexplored area. Psychiatry is good money, but at the same time I would like to develop as a blogger and, perhaps, as a model, I must somehow monetize my high self-esteem.
Dominance is a great psychological practice, it raised my self-esteem and helped many women, including that friend of mine who coped with PTSD. She doubted herself, engaged in self-flagellation, scolded herself for something that somehow looked “wrong”. После трёх часов сессии она сказала: "Господи, я же прекрасна".
