Instructions: How to support a person if he has cancer
Imagine a difficult situation: close or not so much a person says that he has cancer. We begin to experience many strong emotions at once — surprise, fear, pain, despair — and we don’t know how to react. The topic of serious diseases remains partially tabooed, so the need to adapt communication to new circumstances takes us by surprise. Hence, inappropriate questions, tactless comments, unsolicited advice, or frightened silence, which also hurts.
According to oncologist, candidate of medical sciences, head of the Clinic for Outpatient Oncology and Hematology, Mikhail Laskov, every year eight million people die from oncological diseases, and such diagnoses make fourteen million people a year. Half of us in certain circumstances will be in a situation where it will be necessary to select words and support the sick. And although there can be no universal tips and solutions, the basic rules still exist.
Do not fade away
As Laskov tells, many people do not know how to support the sick person, and decide to just disappear from the horizon, although this approach will not help. Even if you do not find words, the main thing is to stay close. A sincere enough phrase like: "I don't know what to say, but I'm with you." Moreover, the person himself will tell about the disease what he considers important and will lead you in a dialogue. Silence and listening is more important than cheering.
Often, people do not report their illness to their colleagues: they are afraid of discussions behind their back, afraid of being fired and left without money. It is possible that colleagues will still notice the changes and start making assumptions; worst of all, there are still myths in society, for example, that cancer is contagious. As a result, a vacuum is formed around the sick person, which makes his life even more difficult. If the office has this situation, it is important to try to support the person. At the same time, you need to be sensitive and appreciate how close you are and how sincere you can talk; It is important to choose words in order not to frighten the interlocutor and not to be intrusive. But if you express support it will be possible - it will be an important experience for both parties.
Do not lie
Often family members (for example, children or grandchildren) try to “filter” information so that the doctor informs the patient only what they think is right. But not telling the truth and hiding the true state of affairs is the wrong defense tactic. The sick person understands everything perfectly well, even without access to the Internet, social networks or other sources of information, especially if he suddenly enters the oncology department and undergo chemotherapy. A catastrophic situation arises: a person understands everything, but cannot talk and discuss the situation with the closest people.
Even if the diagnosis itself is known, it may be tempting to ignore it. But it is important not to create a "cloud of lies" and not to pretend that the disease does not exist, even if we talk about it unpleasantly. The frequent reaction of loved ones, when a person tries to start a conversation about death, is simply to brush it off: "Yes, what a funeral! What are you talking about! Don't even say such things out loud!" But, as Laskov notes, people who are seriously ill often want to talk about death, especially when they realize that this moment is not far off. Keeping the conversation on such a sensitive topic is difficult - but relatives will be grateful.
Forget about hypertext
Although a person with a serious illness, especially in old age, often feels addicted, for example at home or financially, in fact he is not a child, he understands everything and can make decisions. And it is important to allow him to pronounce these decisions, even if the relatives disagree with them. In addition, the priorities of all are different: one may be more important life expectancy, and the other - its quality. Often, relatives tend to extend the life of a person by all means, and he only wants to live the remaining months with joy. And if you need to start a new cycle of complex treatment, and a person wants to go to the place where he dreamed of visiting his whole life, perhaps it will be more important to fulfill this desire.
In addition, it is important not to rush, even if you want to make a decision as quickly as possible. There may be a feeling that the bill goes on for seconds, and this is sometimes used by unscrupulous doctors or clinics that offer expensive treatment, without giving the person time to think. But nevertheless, oncology is not resuscitation, and there is almost always a week to weigh everything.
Be patient
A serious diagnosis from a loved one is a huge stress, so you should not try to take it all on yourself, and you can try to attract friends or acquaintances to solve everyday tasks. People with a serious diagnosis have a hard time: they suffer physically and psychologically, and thoughts like “I am a burden” sometimes cause more pain than the disease itself. When they talk about their illness to friends and family, the last thing they want is to see scenes of panic, despair and tragedy. The best approach in this case is to thank you for telling you everything, because this is an effort on your own from the side of the sick person, and say that you will be there.
Do not blame yourself and think that you could show more restraint or, on the contrary, compassion - most likely, you are doing everything possible. We must remember that the psychological resources are not limitless, and not try to "get into the skin of the patient." If after the operation or chemotherapy of a loved one you feel almost as bad as the patient himself, this will not help the cause. And of course, as in many life situations, a sense of humor is very useful. Severe disease is not the most fun thing in the world, but the tests are better tolerated if the ability to laugh together remains.
Respect the opinion of the sick
It often seems to us that we are wiser and wiser than a sick loved one, and that we can see better from the outside. What really matters is what the person himself thinks about his illness and what is happening, and not his friends or relatives. And if, for example, a person is religious, and you are not, you do not need to persuade him, it is better to switch your resources to organizational issues.
A serious illness is a big stress and a change in the picture of the world, and at first every sick person and his relatives ask themselves philosophical questions “Why me? Why?”. But then, as the oncologist notes, they see that they are not alone - it touched half of the Facebook tape, and the cancer centers are constantly overcrowded. No need to ask yourself why this is exactly what happened; It is important to understand that the disease is not a personal punishment for you and no punishment from heaven. And even the illness of a loved one can be perceived as the most important exercise that life has given you to find out how much love and compassion you really have.
Do not tell the stories of third parties and do not ask to "hold on"
A common reaction to the news about cancer is stories about grandmothers, acquaintances and second cousins, who also suffered from something like that. But the stories of third parties do not help and only tire. Everyone already knows that there are people who conquered cancer - but their history has nothing to do with a particular case. Truly valuable answers and comments come from friends and relatives, who themselves have gone through a similar diagnosis. These people do not need to explain their condition, and when they ask how a person is doing, they are primarily interested in whether they endure a disease or are broken.
Attempts to cheer with the words "come on, hold on" also do not bring the desired result. A person who lives with a serious diagnosis and undergoes a lot of inconveniences, goes through pain and side effects of treatment, did not give up by default. The word "hold on" devalues all efforts and frankly annoying.
Do not give unsolicited advice
The person who informed others about his diagnosis is immediately buried in inevitable advice. People sincerely want to help, so they offer to do an operation urgently or not to do it in any way, exhort them to get to a certain hospital or go to a certain country, not to go anywhere and apply cabbage leaves to the tumor, drink soda or make a tomography that supposedly removes everything questions Of course, "advisers" share recommendations for the best intentions, but this stream of unverified and unfiltered information makes the life of the sick much more difficult.
If you are not an expert and have not encountered a similar situation - do not give advice. But for a person who has a choice between treatment in a serious medical institution and an appeal to traditional methods, it is better to explain why evidence-based medicine has much better chances of success and recommends trusting qualified doctors.
Search for information
Try to switch from your own experiences and negative emotions in the "working" mode. This is more prosaic than raising your hands and sprinkling ashes on your head, but the benefits of this approach are much greater. If the degree of closeness and trust with a person allows, take an active position, assess the situation, weigh all the input data and start acting.
This is especially important in the case when an elderly person who does not have access to modern technologies, does not know how to use the Internet, or does not know English, is ill. Save it from the avalanche of unverified and irrelevant information that will collapse from the search result after the first request. You can learn how to look for information, for example, from Daria Sargsyan’s lecture.
Help in everyday life or financially
Any serious illness is usually costly. If you are able to cover the cost of treatment or organize a fundraiser - do it. It is important for relatives to know: if you need money for treatment, you will get it, and you should not worry about this side of the matter. But even if it is not possible to help with money, you can always physically be near, go to the doctor together or follow the test results. This is the minimum that anyone is capable of.
Often a sick person becomes weaker, dependent, limited in movement. Household and financial burden falls on the shoulders of a partner, children or parents - and their resources are also limited. Therefore, any practical help in everyday life - to bring, take, stay with children, wash the car, clean, buy food in the store - is very valuable. By supporting the inner circle of the sick, you support him too.
Do not forget about life outside the disease
You should not bother a person with detailed inquiries about his illness - better share your normal life. It happens that a person with cancer begins to feel like an outside observer of a normal life - as if others are learning, working, having fun, experiencing, have a cold, achieve success, and he himself is already detached from the pleasure of just living. Give your family and friends the opportunity to participate in your everyday life - this is extremely important.
Do not treat the sick as if helpless, try to live the same life together as before the disease. When the state allows, organize trips, excursions, family holidays or get-togethers with friends, take them to the theater, for a walk. In general, by any means, distract a person from the disease and thoughts about it - just watch your well-being, so that entertainment will not be a burden.
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