How to raise children without violating their boundaries
Text: Olga Miloradova
Before we talk about what should be education and punishment, it is necessary to indicate their starting point. A child is not an object, not another subject in the picture of an ideal family for which you make all the decisions. Moreover, this is not a project in which you can realize something that you didn’t manage to do yourself. A child is a subject with its own thoughts, desires and tastes. With your plans, which may seem absurd, naive and irrational to you. Unless you accept it, until you realize that you must respect your child, along with everything that he thinks, feels, and what he believes in, you will not be able to go any further.
Recently, we have been talking so much about democratic education, about how much wiser we have become, how many books about parenting have been read, how we cherish and cherish children's freedom. But as soon as the tipping point comes, a totalitarian leader wakes up in many of us. Not to mention that many of us were brought up by authoritarian parents and it can be very difficult for us to disengage from the experience gained from them.
So, what to do if we want to be responsible and wise parents? Of course, a lot depends on the age of the child. It is clear that a parent takes a number of decisions for a preschool child anyway, many of them are due to his personal ideas and priorities, and this is inevitable. We control what kind of food the child eats, what clothes he wears, what kind of cartoons he watches - but even here there is room for maneuver. Say, if a child wants to endlessly eat only candy (which the parent, of course, cannot allow him), instead of “not allowed, that's all”, which provokes tears and hysterics in a child, you can try to talk to him - of course, taking into account age. For example, it is useless to talk about overweight, diabetes and the like with a four-year-old child, but it is quite possible to appeal to examples: you will be big and healthy, like mom and dad (or like Superman) if you eat healthy food, and so Further.
It is important that a naughty, not going to contact a teenager can not happen "suddenly", "suddenly." It grows out of the very baby, who was taken without candy to explain. Or, say, from a girl who, without explanation, did not buy pink things simply because her parents did not like princesses. And all this instead of coming to terms with the inevitable and experiencing the "pink" period, allowing the child to make his, albeit, in the opinion of the parent, and ridiculous, choice.
Also, one should not forget about such a seemingly banal idea: the main upbringing takes place not through the sounding of commands, but through imitation. If you say that it is not good to deceive, and then tell by phone that mother is not at home, although she is at home, or lying on the sofa with a cigarette talking about the dangers of smoking and the benefits of playing sports - an example will be more revealing than words. In general, raising children, you must also educate yourself. Saying: "To whom are you with us?" - Try to think about what, most likely, he went to you, and think about what you could change in yourself.
Do not discount the suffering of the child. If he told at least something, this is already the highest form of trust - take it seriously
Do not avoid talking about topics that you find difficult or delicate. It is not only about sex, but also, for example, about death, illness, divorce, relationships. Do not tell the children lies - even if the child is still small, give out information at an affordable level: for example, do not say that the father flew into space and will soon return if the father has died. It seems to you that now is the wrong moment? But what will happen if the child finds out the truth from a stranger or realizes that his relatives have not told him the whole truth for many years? Try to try the situation on yourself: you would consider such a betrayal, right? More often, put yourself in the place of your child - and the small, and, especially, almost adult. Would you like to be thought more stupid than others? Would you like a mom suffering from cancer to tell you that everything is fine, and you would not have time to either accept the thought of this, or say goodbye? Of course, in real life, situations of a smaller scale are much more common, but it is from them that the child’s trust or distrust of you ultimately develops. Will you be an authority for him when he becomes a teenager?
Teenagers are all questioned. Their ideals are changing. They will have to make many independent decisions, and much will change their lives once and for all. Adolescents react to much with aggression simply because it is the easiest way to respond: aggression on themselves, aggression on you, on other sources of irritation, an attempt to escape from the decision. It can be very hard for parents to start trusting a teenager, because even if you managed to establish excellent and trusting relationships, now everything is different. Often parents want to establish global control, read everything that a child publishes on social networks, online diaries, and so on. But you will not be able to control everything (I bet that your teenager will know much more about your darknet, circumvention of security systems and so on?). And if so, then, firstly, you still will not know the whole truth; secondly, having learned the "half-truth", you will sooner or later fall through and reveal that you were watching him, and, thirdly, in this way you will lose trust once and for all and the child will no longer come to you, hinting at the problem.
Do not discount the suffering of the child. If he came to you and said at least something, this is already the highest form of trust - take this very seriously. Pay attention if the child is sad, if he is ridiculed at school, if something strange happens to him at all - it is very important to be able to talk with the child openly and honestly, calmly and amiably telling what it is important for him to know at this age. Bans and an attempt to protect a teenager from information will lead to exactly the opposite result - the child still knows what he wants - it is possible that in a traumatic or distorted form.
If you do not understand something or do not understand something, ask for help from experts. Do not say "my child never ..." - in the life of every parent there comes a time when he knows not everything about his child, and this is normal. If you know everything about your teenager - this is just a reason to think: do you give him even any freedom at all? Perhaps such a child will survive adolescence safely, but he will have to live on his own - he also needs to learn how to manage his personal time, to understand what he wants, and it is much more difficult if there is an unreasonable burden of your desires, plans and hopes on his shoulders .
Instead of punishing the child for lying, try to give him the opportunity to correct what he has done.
Much has been said about trust, honesty, his own example — that is, upbringing — but not about punishment. Of course, this is not about physical punishment: it is important to understand and accept the fact that your child is an original and self-valued person, and violence against him is unacceptable. At the same time, a certain system of punishments that is definite and transparent for all should be - the child should feel the limits of what is permitted. It is not easy to determine the measure of fair punishment on your own, and if this leads you to a dead end, psychologists can help.
For example, your child told a lie. Do not rush to deprive him of computer, walking or pocket money. First, try to find out what motivated him to try to deceive you. Most likely, he was primarily afraid of punishment and, having made some mistake, decided to cover his tracks. It is important to clarify that any errors can always be discussed and corrected, but it is much worse to deceive and hide them. Instead of punishing a child for lying, try to give him the opportunity to correct what he has done. Did he forget to close the door and the cat ran away? He can go and post announcements about the missing cat. Did he break something or break it? He can help a parent fix a breakdown - and so on.
Of course, there are much more complicated situations that cause fear and misunderstanding, how to talk about them, how to protect a teenager - most often it is alcohol or drugs. The first reaction of many parents is immediate punishment and the strictest ban, but these measures will not help to cope with the situation. Of course, parents should talk to these difficult topics with the child (and one conversation can’t be limited to here), but you shouldn’t forget that the teenager himself has to make a decision. In addition, the opinion of friends in this situation may have more weight than yours - because what do you, in the opinion of a teenager, generally know about how to be cool? So the main thing that a parent can help is to calmly explain what potential problems may arise, not intimidating or threatening, to try to raise the child’s awareness of such issues.
The teenager must understand that there are boundaries, and if he has undermined your confidence, then you need to re-earn it. All this is necessary not for the sake of raising a neurotic perfectionist-excellent student, not for the sake of evaluations and not for the sake of your ego. You bring up a person who respects other people's borders, space and emotions - and you must do it yourself.