“Who am I?”: How did I know that I was adopted 24 years ago
Modern rules of adoptionin order to avoid psychological trauma, it is recommended that foster children be told the story of their appearance in the family as early as possible - otherwise adult adopted children may feel that their life before they learned the truth was fake. However, in some families, the “secret of adoption” is still kept for decades, citing the unpreparedness of the adopted child. Our hero learned that he was adopted at the age of twenty-four. We asked him how he felt at that moment, whether he was offended by his parents and how his life was “after”.
Interview: Margarita Zhuravleva
Dad
About two years ago, I felt that something was wrong in my life. I could not explain what it was, but it seemed that the “who am I” scheme simply does not add up. Apparently, I started to get depressed. I went to a psychotherapist and there I realized that part of my problems and questions about the world are connected with my relationship with my father, who died eleven years ago.
While he was alive, I had the feeling that my dad was fencing off from me. Why we were not as close as we could be? I asked my mother about this, but every time she answered that my father simply worked a lot to feed the family, and could not give me much time. “But we still loved you,” said Mom.
In my childhood, mother always spoke for two, for herself and for dad. Dad didn't talk to me very much. In a sense, dad was a tool to control me: when at the beginning of transitional age mom could not cope with my temper, she called dad. I remember hiding in my room, barricading myself there. Dad was not a tyrant, we just had no intimacy, I never felt the warmth of him, he never cheered me on. So I remembered him - we sat in separate rooms, met in the corridor and at the table in the kitchen, ate silently, Dad watched TV. When I finished eating, I got up and put the plate in the sink - it was our whole family evening.
Dad just worked a lot - for a while I accepted this mom's explanation and thought I calmed down. But this did not solve my problems, but only masked them. I could not move on either in my work, or in my relations with people, or in my relations with the world. I had a feeling that I was stuck on some level, and I simply don’t see the next step - where should I go and why.
Why did we never watch or watch videos where I was little? Why did the parents never tell a single story about how my mother was pregnant with me? My friends, who have children, constantly remembered how one during pregnancy I wanted to cry all the time, and the other - at McDonalds. And my mother did not tell anything. But I kept arguing with myself: why did she have to tell me about it? Maybe it was a difficult period for her.
I also often thought about our family photos - we had a lot of them, especially from the youth of my parents. And my very childish photos we did not have. I asked my friends if they have any photos of where they are taken from the hospital? Many have been. But I explained to myself their absence by the fact that, probably, my mother is superstitious and did not allow me to take pictures. The first photos I appeared when I was about six months. In general, everything that occurred to me, I found excuses.
Mama
Two months ago, I woke up and thought that something was wrong. I thought about it all day at work, again began to ask friends about photos from their childhood, about the stories of their mothers. I also suddenly remembered that I had a birth certificate from a different date - with a difference of several months with my birthday. Mom said it was a copy, because the first one was lost. But she is so neat a person that she even keeps a copy of my first passport in a separate folder in the dresser, and this folder contains the signature “Copy of the first Jura passport”. Mom just couldn't lose my birth certificate.
And most importantly, when you look at friends and their parents, you immediately see who the copy is whose family, in any family, the child looks like a father or mother. And I looked at my photos and realized that I was not like anyone. But I persuaded myself again and again - maybe my eye has become soiled? He asked friends, they said: "Yura, you really do not look like them."
It all came together in a chain of some inconsistencies and inconsistencies that had to be somehow resolved, but it is not clear how. Until you ask, you don’t know, but it’s scary to ask, it’s not a question from the “asked and forgot” category. This question must be reinforced. Even if you are right, you will have to explain how you understood this. And if they tell you that you are wrong, you will need to explain why you thought so.
I was nervous all day and realized that I could not go home, because mom would see what I was in and start asking me questions. At that moment a friend wrote to me and invited me to visit. I told her about my torments, and she asked me what would happen if the answer turned out to be this or that. I immediately said that nothing would change, my mother would remain my mother, but I am afraid to offend her.
I came home at one in the morning, my mother is not sleeping, she meets me. I thought, what is she not sleeping? Maybe this is another reason to talk right now? I did not know where to start, with an apology? Or from some stories that lead to the question? It seems to me that even if a week is preparing for such a conversation, you still will not be ready for it, you just have all the words gone.
In general, I pulled myself together and said: "Mom, I can probably hurt you now, but do not be offended, I have this question ..." Mom jumped out of bed: "What happened?" I continued: "I have a lot of thoughts here, I repeat once again, please do not be offended." Only a night light was burning in the room, the light was turned off everywhere, and I could not see her whole face, but I saw eyes that had become huge. I think I even heard her heart beating. And I understood, she was nervous, but for a while could not say anything. True, I so wanted to know the truth that any outcome of events would reassure me. In the end, I said: "Mom, it seems to me that I am not your own son and dad."
Silence. I do not know how long it lasted, because I said and rang in my ears. And here I am sitting and I understand that something will be now, to which I really am not ready, although it seems I was preparing. And then my mother says in a quiet voice: "Yes, you're right."
What emotions did I have at that moment? No, because mom started crying. And I did not have time to think, ran to hug her, and I, too, flowed tears. Mom said: "I was very afraid that you would leave me." Although I never really thought about it in real life. And now I do not think. But the fears of my mother did not hurt me, I understand her. She said she wanted to tell you when I was eighteen, but she saw that I was not ready for that. And I agree with her, at that moment I really was not ready, everything happened in the right way. It is unthinkable for me how she was able to keep this secret for twenty-four years. And honestly, I was surprised that I could ask her about it.
We sat with her until six in the morning, I had a lot of questions. It is as if a stone fell from my soul. During these five hours, which we talked about, it seemed that eighty percent of my problems were solved, everything fell into place.
I saw the reaction of my mother - she exhaled at one moment. We sat in the kitchen, she took a huge breath and exhale. And I realized that now a completely different life will go. The next day we went to Auchan and, it seems, bought it entirely. We just walked past the shelves, and my mother said: "I want a pink mop." And I said: "Take". "I want a coffee machine." We took this car. "And give someone such a present?". I remember we had two coffee machines in the cart, six huge baguettes. With sesame - I really wanted, with cheese, with bacon, regular and some more. When we got to the checkout, we had a lot of fun. We did not notice how flew three and a half hours.
When we arrived home, I said: "Mom, what have we bought with you?" Why did we have so many baguettes? Why do we need two coffee machines? And two huge bags of chips? With bacon and cheese. We have not eaten them, we have thrown them out later, they are damp. But it was therapy. We felt very close people, best friends.
I
Mom told me that she knew almost nothing about my biological parents. I now call them "parents", but for me it is a very difficult word, there are many emotions in it. Mom never saw them. I gave birth to a woman who already had one child from some random man, my mother said that it was a soldier. At birth, my name was Sergey Sergeevich Zhdanov.
Father and mother lived together for thirty-six years and sixteen of them tried to have children, so they decided to take this step. Mom said that they came to the baby house just to see how everything worked there, and she began to show the children.
"I went to each cradle, there were several of you, came up to you, and you lie down, look at the ceiling and as if there are looking for something, and then saw me and shouted. I removed my head, you stopped screaming, again I looked, you screamed again. I didn’t know if they would let me adopt a child at all, but I started to wear diapers and food for you. It went on for two weeks. . The head physician by the rules had to tell her mother about all the children, who was ill, who had parents, so that she could decide who to take. But my mother did not listen to anything and said: “I don’t need anything, I want to take this particular boy”.
They called me Yuri Vladimirovich Melnikov, changed the date of birth from July 18 to December 23. I read later that the secret of adoption permits a date change within six months, so that parents can somehow disguise the appearance of a child, if it matters to them.
Mom said: "We changed everything, made a new date of birth, we were given documents, everything seems to be good, and I walk around the apartment with you in my arms and I think - because I took the last from you, what you had from birth, date and the name, and I could not. " She went to court to change my date of birth in the documents to the real one, so I had that same birth certificate with a different date.
I think that my mother is a heroine: when you bear a child for nine or even seven months, your maternal instinct wakes up with you, you have time to prepare for it, it somehow fits in your head. And here in two weeks everything was decided. It seems to me that in time I will adopt a child too. Near our house there used to be an orphanage - a small one and few children. And also a huge playground. And I was always offended why the children from the orphanage were always separate, they were not taken anywhere. They held on to their flock. They were just afraid.
I also asked Mom how she thought, was it why we had such a difficult relationship with my father, not the way I wanted or we wanted to be together? Mom replied that yes, probably. My parents met when my mother was fourteen and my father was sixteen, and since then they have never parted - except in one case, when my mother was taken to the hospital for ten days, and my father left for a planned vacation. And then I appeared, and my mother had to choose between me and my dad, who was used to the fact that all her attention was directed to him. Probably, Dad also wanted me to appear, but just turned out to be not ready for this. Mom says that dad was absolutely not against adoption, but when you are not two, but three become, this is a different situation.
I was offended at my father, for ten years since his death I tried to understand why he was so detached. My mother always drove me to various circuses, theaters, I was satisfied with birthdays, and dad seemed not to be. Now everything became clear, but I do not blame anyone.
I don’t want to look for a man and a woman from whom I was born. I wonder, of course, why they did that. But if I had stayed with that woman, I would have a completely different life, and I would not need another. And there is another question - who am I more like, dad or mom. It is still interesting to me. But I understand that the answer is no longer known.
Images: Valenty - stock.adobe.com (1, 2, 3, 4)