Girl with a glass: How I lived with alcoholism
It seems the image of a modern girl with a glass of wine in her hand (that is, many of us) has nothing to do with alcohol addiction: many people think that only those who grew up in difficult conditions or got into a "bad company" face it. So thought Maria Makhotina (the name was changed at the request of the heroine) - she told us why she began to drink and how she coped with the addiction.
Start
I was a calm and sad child from an ordinary Soviet family: my father was a car mechanic, my mother was an accountant. From the memories of childhood - only "Good night, kids" on a black and white TV, everything is gray, boring. My dad has alcohol dependence, he drank and drank almost every day, sometimes with breaks for a week. At the same time, he works and does not recognize himself as a dependent. Dad participated in my life only by asking how I learn, how I behave, what grades I bring from school. He had tough upbringing measures: he didn’t buy a new thing for a diary or didn’t let him go for a week, he often screamed for any reason, for example, if I wash in the bathroom for a long time. He beat me several times for not responding or doing something wrong. When something broke or was lost in the house, I always blamed me. For a long time I hated him. Mom listened to me and even seemed to support me, but more often she said: "Be patient, don't pay attention."
I never felt the support of my parents, love, understanding, did not feel that they needed me, and more and more felt that I was not good enough, clumsy and lonely. Love looked first in the company of friends, then in men. It seemed to me that everything that surrounds me, as if behind glass, and I am somewhere not in this life and do not feel it. For the first time I felt the fullness of life when I got drunk. At fourteen years old with friends at the entrance we drank some sweet cheap liqueur. It was happiness: everything is bright, colorful, friends are the best, I am the coolest and beautiful. It was a lot of fun. From that first drink I was waiting for a new one.
Having matured, I saw "like everyone else": with my friend on Fridays, on Saturdays in a nightclub, on holidays at work and in the family. Gradually, alcohol began to take not only weekends, but also weekdays. On Monday, with a colleague after work, because the beginning of the new week should be discussed last weekend, then at home alone on Wednesday, because it is more fun to do the cleaning.
No problems
Up to twenty years of drinking was fun, and then I just did not know how differently. Addicts, unlike other people, always have some kind of relationship with alcohol. I drank merry and sad, alone and in the company, the bottle was my friend, my everything. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease. I think that, having become alcohol-addicted, it is impossible to learn to drink alcohol "normally."
The last two years of use have been hell. I graduated from law school and always worked in my specialty: first as an assistant attorney, then as a lawyer and a senior lawyer. Earned well, went on vacation in Paris, Bulgaria, Montenegro. After graduation, she lived separately from her parents in the center of Moscow, hung out in trendy clubs, dined in restaurants. Only inside was emptiness. Although outwardly everything was fine, nothing pleased me.
The last two years of use, I constantly said that everything is bad. I didn’t want to live, I just didn’t have enough courage to commit suicide
Due to the fact that I was afraid of loneliness, there were always a lot of men around me, but for a long time I didn’t have a serious relationship. I just wanted to receive love, attention, gifts. And received, but still did not see the point in life. Here I go to work five days a week, two days I “have fun” - and then what? There was no happiness. My parents did not understand me. There were always friends, but I was prone to daydreaming, fantasies, and at an older age I thought a lot about the meaning of life — not everyone was interested in such topics, and I even felt lonely with my friends. The last two years, when I drank alcohol, my friends did not listen to me, because I constantly said that everything was bad. I didn’t want to live, I just didn’t have enough courage to commit suicide. Men, I thought, needed only sex. Even when I began to meet with a fellow student and everything was fine, an unreasonable anxiety did not leave me, that everything would deteriorate. Then I realized that I myself could not cope with negative emotions.
A close friend said for a long time that she was worried about me and offered to contact a psychologist. I didn’t dare to call for a long time, I thought everything would be fine by myself. I had no idea that I had a problem with alcohol. The psychologist turned out to be a very good specialist and, after several meetings, realized that I was chemically dependent. Since she did not work with such patients, she referred me to a colleague. We saw her on general therapy, I liked her, and I was not opposed to continue. She, too, immediately realized that I was addicted to alcohol, and advised me to come to the Alcoholics Anonymous community. But I denied for another six months that I had a problem.
Fear for life
A month before coming to the community, I went on holiday to Spain alone. As usual, I bought alcohol at the airport to drink on the plane. Arrived and immediately bought more, drank every day in the morning, in the evening in nightclubs. The club met a man - I then used the "disco" drugs, he promised to get them. The next meeting, he took me to the mountains, took with him wine. We passed by the restaurant, a woman and a man were sitting there, they had a romantic dinner by candlelight. And I, with a higher education, on vacation, beautiful, climb into the mountains with some kind of stranger who I don’t even like - just so that he gives me drugs. There I met Russian-speaking guys from Germany, they had grass, and with them I felt that I was not alone. I had sex with one of them, although I didn’t like it either.
I got drunk every day. At the same time she could go to bed at four in the morning, and at six to go on a tour already - create the illusion that everything is fine with me, I have a cultural rest, I am just like everyone else. Although in reality I was depressed, I was tired of drunken gaiety, of strangers, men of others. Inside was black longing and hopelessness, despair, loneliness.
The guys were builders, lived in the suburbs in the hut. I returned home a day later, in torn stockings, with shaking hands and wanted to commit suicide
Then, after the holidays, was a colleague's birthday. She celebrated in the club - everything as I love. I came in a dress, with makeup and styling, but the mood was bad - I had planned to leave in about two hours. But instead, for some reason, she began to drink vodka, although she never started with it. I got drunk, swore with the guests, offered a couple of threesome sex, asked the bartender where to buy drugs. Then I burst into tears, and the guards led me out of the club. Nearby were some guys, I sat with them on the bench, complained about life and eventually went to them. They were builders, lived in the suburbs in the hut. I returned home a day later, in torn stockings, with shaking hands and wanted to commit suicide.
After that, I realized that I didn’t control myself at all, that I had some plans for life, and alcohol was completely different. My life is in danger. I could have been robbed, raped, beaten, killed, and the miracle that nothing of the kind happened. Because of the fear of my life, I came to the Alcoholics Anonymous community (an international program that emerged in the thirties of the last century, functioning largely as a support group; a large part of the technique is the complete abandonment of alcohol. The effectiveness of Alcoholics Anonymous has been repeatedly studied; data from recent studies say that their effectiveness is approximately equal to the effectiveness of other groups in combating alcohol dependence. - Approx. ed.).
The main gift
I was lucky that I came early, at the age of twenty-five. Completely different people come here. Someone under the age of eighteen, someone over sixty years old, is homeless, who have lost everything, there are very rich. At meetings, I heard stories from women who, like me, thought that they had no serious problems, but they "just love alcohol."
Contrary to popular misconception, the community is not based on religion. The program brings together people of different faiths and atheists, in many meetings it is generally forbidden to speak out about religion. The program only offers to believe in something that is stronger than us. If this is a boots - no problem. The goal of unification is to remain sober. We are looking for a way out, not to abstain from alcohol, but to work on ourselves, due to which there is no desire to change consciousness. A beginner is offered to accept the fact that he needs help in coping with alcoholism, that he will always have a difficult relationship with drinking. It is necessary to choose a mentor who will conduct the twelve steps of the program: they include, for example, self-analysis, a story about its results, deliverance from what has led to alcoholism, compensation for the damage caused. Working in steps with a mentor is a separate task of two people, it is conducted not at meetings in a group, but in free time.
All acquaintances are divided into friends and co-users. The first ones saw that I had problems, and were glad that I was finally solving them. With the second I stopped talking
How to compensate for the damage, you also need to decide together with the mentor. This is the ninth step, it is usually afraid, sometimes it goes to it for three years - this is a purely individual, almost intimate work. For example, if you steal in a store, you can come and return the amount. Of course, you need to regularly go to meetings, take a ministry in group classes - this means, for example, leading a meeting, washing cups after tea, sharing the experience of a sober life, that is, just telling about everything that happens: transferred to another department at work, danced in a club and communicated with "anonymous" friends, did not get drunk - ordinary life. I really wanted to be happy and find something that will fill my life instead of alcohol. And accepted the terms of the program.
From the first day of the meeting, I remain sober. All the same groups, communication and support of AA members, step-by-step work helped not to get lost. The first year was hard, especially on holidays. I wanted, as before, to drink and have fun. But those who were recovering longer than me reminded me that there would be no more fun, just a hangover the next morning, a sore head, an unfamiliar man nearby. And I chose sober holidays and weekdays.
At first I tried to be closer to the "anonymous": in the community celebrate holidays together, travel the world. All acquaintances are divided into friends and co-users. The first ones saw that I had problems, and were glad that I was finally solving them. I stopped communicating with the latter — first, in order to protect myself and remain sober, later we became uninteresting to each other. When I stopped drinking, my interests expanded. I used to live from drinking to drinking, and soberly began to go to the theater, read more, walk around the parks and estates of Moscow, where I could not get to before. She began to understand herself, see internal, emotional problems, learned to cope with troubles soberly, got a new experience. The amount that I used to spend on consumption, began to postpone the purchase of housing.
Life, of course, is not one of joys. There are difficult periods and unpleasant events, but I do not need to drink anymore in order to survive them
I'm sober for nine and a half years. In Alcoholics Anonymous, I met my future husband. I got married, had two children, we have our own apartment. The biggest gift was my family - something that I always dreamed of. I enjoy being with my children, and although it is a routine, it brings a lot of joy. Everything has changed inside of me, I know why and why I live, everything is filled with meaning.
AA Community is not a secret for my family. My husband and I visit him and do not plan to finish. Now I myself mentor, I want to show beginners that being sober and happy really. The eldest son knows that mom and dad go to meetings. When the time comes, we will tell the children our stories. Life, of course, is not one of joys. There are difficult periods and unpleasant events, but I do not need to drink anymore in order to survive them. In use, all in a circle or in a tunnel. And sober life is very interesting.
Images: am54 - stock.adobe.com (1, 2)