"Itself to blame": What is customary to blame the victims of violence
Text: Tatyana Nikonova, author of Sam Jones's Diary sex blog
Flashmob under the hashtag # ЯНЕЯ Am Saying where women (and sometimes men) talk about their experiences of sexual abuse and harassment, recalled why so many women were afraid to talk. Courage and open discussion about the problem, which many do not want to notice, caused not only massive empathy and support, but also a hackneyed accusatory reaction: it was my fault who held the candle, why talk about it at all. Tatyana Nikonova - not only a sex blogger, but also the creator of the Pony and Rainbows project about everyday sexism and obscurantism - explains what really stands behind such popular negative statements about victims who seem logical only at first glance.
I don't know, this has never happened to me
Implied: A reasonable person has many tools to protect against attack, but the victim for some reason did not use them.
In fact: if it was real to control the aggressors, the rapists would have long been overwhelmed. This is a typical shifting of responsibility for what happened to the victim, often to the victims of the women themselves, dictated by the internal misoginiya. In many ways, this desire to convince herself and others that the accuser is prudent and worthy, and nothing bad will happen to her, and the victim will not, therefore she certainly deserved everything that happened to her. The trick is that the intentions and possibilities of the rapists in such a formulation of the question are not taken into account at all and are not considered: there is only abstract "violence" and "victim". In fact, the root of the problem is the behavior of the rapists - it is precisely this that needs to be studied and analyzed in order to figure out how to engage in the prevention of violent acts and train people to prevent sexual aggression and exploitation.
You are just a victimization
Implied: the victim comes on the same rake, as there are personality traits that cause a person to be subjected to violence time and again.
In fact: in this logic, the victim is considered as an active participant in creating a situation - as a result, the rapist allegedly has no choice but to respond to the “provocation” accordingly, therefore the main fault lies with the victim. In itself, the concept of "victimization" is not used by modern psychologists: it implies that the victim is to some extent responsible for the violence. In fact, there is no such explanatory feature, and the only thing that unites the vast majority of survivors of sexual violence is children and adolescents of any sex or women of any age. Existing high-risk groups are people who are in close contact with the aggressors, such as their friends or friends. It is important to remember that it does not matter how the victim of sexual abuse behaved. A person always has a choice - to act or stop, therefore the whole responsibility always lies with the one who chooses violence.
And what did she want when she dressed like that?
Implied: rapists are guided by the generally accepted markers of sexual openness and attractiveness and lose their will and mind when they see a short skirt.
In fact: the choice of clothes does not reduce the level of harassment in any way, as shown by studies and the life experience of most of us. If only one type of female body in a short skirt or a beautiful neckline would make from any man a deranged, over-excited satyr, then the most dangerous place in the world would be the beach. Moreover, if men are really so unable to control themselves (although for some reason they are given a driver's license and a nuclear briefcase), the police and the court should automatically take the side of the applicant for sexual violence. But in reality, blaming the victim for lack of modesty is one of the methods to strengthen the traditional right of men to the sexual use of women. This is a typical double trap: either you look attractive and you will be harassed, or you don’t look and no one will love you (although they will still stick).
Need to be careful
Implied: there are universal rules, under which a person is reliably protected from sexual violence or at least significantly reduces the risks.
In fact: This is an attempt to persuade oneself that adherence to some kind of universal "safety technique" guarantees security. Alas, there are no reliable rules: they are formulated after each specific case and are suitable only in this particular situation that has already ended and are completely unsuitable for others. The alarm button on the smartphone does not help if the husband or boyfriend rapes, being with strangers, according to rape statistics, is safer than with acquaintances, refusing alcohol does not save you from a drunk counter, and bypassing dark courtyards will not protect you from spitting in a crowded illuminated trolleybus . Demands for caution suggest that the victim must be constantly alert and limit himself, knowing exactly what situation he is about to fall into - and therefore is able to defend himself preventively. Such a picture of the world implies the existence of some inevitable, uncontrollable evil, where a fire in an apartment from accidental closure and rape are things of the same order: they cannot be eradicated, so you need to adapt to circumstances and just try to avoid disaster in every way. As they say, ***** live like that.
There is no such problem in my environment.
Implied: There are segments of society where sexual abuse does not occur.
In fact: Violence is everywhere, but it is also universally ignored. This is understandable from the results of the flash mob: trouble can happen to the poor and the rich, educated and not so much, children and adults, "tear-offs" and "learnings", in any cities, any time of day and in the most unexpected situations, and the reason for it is the oppression of women all over the world, from which no loving and benevolent stratum will save. Even if there were oases with a complete absence of crimes against the person, a woman would have to not leave his borders - that is, not to explore the world on personal experience, not to travel further than her quarter and never meet new people. But more often, people do not know about the troubles of those around them simply because they are afraid of the reaction: "Yes, it can not be, in our circle this never happens, which means that you are not among us, go from here." Refusal to accept - almost the worst that can happen to any person. Exile is the worst of punishments.
Not all men are
Implied: the victim was unlucky with one separate rapist, no need to blacken the men.
In fact: the victim does not matter whether her abuser is a man or a woman. Just most of all, according to statistics, he is a man. The problem, of course, is not in some bestial essence of the whole masculine gender, but in the patriarchal system, which implies the power of men over women. The overwhelming majority of women did not suffer from sexual abuse by other women, and when they talk about the experiences of the experienced violence, they most often speak of a male aggressor. Of course, if you are also a man, it is not very pleasant to be in such a company, but this is not a reason to blame a woman who has suffered from very specific violence. In the end, the reputation of men does not spoil her own story, and rapists. Instead of reassessing the actions of men (and, let's admit, many men), we often see attempts to silence women who have experienced sexual violence and had the courage to state the truth about their own lives. And it is necessary to inform the men that certain behavior is unacceptable, to prosecute the perpetrators and to form in the society the habit of condemning the rapists, not the victim.
Why didn't she go to the police?
Implied: something is unclean, I suppose it deceives.
In fact: the police are exactly the same people as everyone else, but also with professional information from daily meetings with criminals. They also believe that women themselves are guilty and suspect them of deception, slander and deliberately wrong behavior. In the police with survivors of sexual violence, they behave rudely and mockingly and make them suffer in addition - the lawyer Irina Khrunova described in detail how this happens. The worst thing is that the policeman himself can rape - simply because he has the power, and there is no one to protect the victim, even if she herself works in the police. But we know only about the cases when the criminal case was still initiated.
Well, yes, molested, but not raped
Implied: only violent intercourse is traumatized, and everything else - problems that are not related to sexual violence.
In fact: rape is torture, and harassment or interrupted rape is a prelude to torture, during which the victim experiences the whole range of feelings from horror to disgust. Mental pain remains with her for a long time, even if the lucky and phallocentric “main” did not happen. Sexual advances are usually flattering men (assuming, of course, that they are from a man of appropriate sexual orientation, young and attractive, or status and respected), because they hint at the opportunity to have pleasure and satisfaction - and the decision remains with the man himself. Pestering a woman or teenager promises that they can use them as they wish, and their will and desires will remain behind the scenes. Therefore, harassment, harassment and even arrogant "undressing eyes" hurt so much: it is a reminder of where our place is and how it can continue at any moment.
It's all hysterical fabrications.
Implied: a woman gets some benefits by talking about fictional harassment or rape, and any statement must first be checked for truth.
In fact: the number of detected false statements about rape is negligible even against the background of the fact that half of the actual cases do not reach the police station, and the initiative often comes from the parents of young girls. It takes tremendous courage for a victim of sexual abuse to talk about her experiences, because only publicizing such a story can break her life. A woman begins to pester more, they can be dismissed from work, people who are close to being ashamed of what happened do not communicate with her, others are worse than her husband, a man becomes a pariah, a teenager will lose the support of his peers. From the point of view of existence in a society it is much more profitable for victims to keep quiet and try to forget about everything. But really fictional and published stories are extremely rare and do not indicate specific people as offenders, therefore they do not change the overall picture at all.
Something you are too scary
Implied: if you don’t arouse sexual interest in the commentator, it means that no rapist could have coveted you, and you are a liar.
In fact: equal sex and sexual abuse. By this logic, beauty makes it possible to be desired, sexually attractive and raped. Accordingly, a woman whom the observer considers insufficiently attractive is suspected that she is thus trying to declare her sexual attractiveness to at least someone and, therefore, to have some kind of value. But violence differs from voluntary sexual interaction in that the victim is considered as an object for the application of power and domination. Alas, anyone can be in her place, nothing depends on her appearance: Google, upon request “rape of a pensioner”, gives out half a million pages, and among the participants of the #YANE action, there were women of completely different appearance.
With such promiscuity, nothing surprising
Implied: sexual activity of a woman means her consent to sexual use.
In fact: a man can boast stars on the fuselage as much as he wants, and if one of the invited women mixes klofelin and takes the piano out of the house, the man clearly feels sympathetic and will start a criminal case without any problems. A woman is supposed to have sympathy only if she is “pure and pure”: she is a virgin or married with a minimum number of sexual partners in her whole life (preferably not more than one), and anyone can describe her behavior as highly moral from a patriarchal point of view. In all other cases, there are questions "what did she want with such behavior?". The idea that a woman wanted to live and enjoy life at her own discretion is not accepted: she needs reckoning for such desires.
Need to teach girls self defense
Implied: any woman with proper training is able to fend off a morally prepared aggressor.
In fact: we know enough stories about women who really managed to defend themselves, but even more we know about those who resisted, who were killed for it, and also about women who were imprisoned after the death of the rapist. In general, physical training is great, but women are on average weaker than men, not everyone loves sports, some clothes and shoes are completely inconvenient for fighting, group rape is not uncommon, but self-defense reflexes, so that they work even in a situation where you are confused to train all my life. It turns out that, in order to protect against potential violence, a woman is invited to completely change her lifestyle and devote her free time, which anyone has the right to spend at her pleasure - on books, concerts or dinners with friends. It is more reasonable and more effective to strive to ensure that some people stop raping others, and society stops closing eyes on it or takes it for granted.
Images: DHX Media, Hasbro Studios