Checklist: 5 Signs That You Manipulate People
Text: Yana Filimonova
Manipulation in communication is a subtle topic.because all of us at least occasionally resort to them. Nevertheless, manipulation can seriously worsen your relationship with others. We tell how to understand that this is your case, and cope with the situation.
1
You cannot keep an even distance.
You change the rules of communication with people you communicate with for a long time and are in a clearly defined role: colleagues, buddies, close friends, partners. All these models and relationships suggest a certain distance, but you are not able to keep it even. Usually it looks like this: you can suddenly tell a partner with whom you have been together for several years that you want to take a break from a relationship and live a little apart. After a week, you feel that you have missed, and come back to the discouraged man - who is probably glad of your return, but did not quite understand what happened at all, and is undoubtedly traumatized.
A softer option: you are stunned by colleagues with a very frank conversation, which they didn’t expect from you at all, and it’s not generally accepted in the team to talk about personal one. Or, on the contrary, it’s very cold communicating with a friend or girlfriend - you disappear for a month because you decided that you do not have enough oxygen and this communication tired you. If such a sharp change of distance is characteristic for you in principle, it is worth thinking.
Why is this a manipulation? Because those with whom you communicate have to adapt each time to the new format of relations: today is closer, tomorrow is much further, and the day after tomorrow is very, very close. And if for you this process has some kind of internal laws, then for them it is completely unexpected, and therefore painful. In fact, such impulses or a sharp desire to distance yourself can happen to anyone. Moreover, they can have a good reason: a person has wounded you with something or, on the contrary, attracted you. Another thing is that in both cases it is better to speak the situation, and not to put the other person before the fact of sudden changes.
Problems with distance in relationships are found in people who are struggling to build a stable attachment. In their environment and parental family, many did, and in their picture of the world, such behavior is the norm. The problem is that it is very traumatic. More stable people after several sessions of close encounters-distances do not stand up and leave or very far away, and a person with a trauma of affection gets a new wound. It turns out retraumatization and a vicious circle.
The inability to build stable, warm and even relations is a serious problem, and it is with her that many people come to the psychotherapist. This issue is not solved in a month or even a year - but its resolution significantly changes the quality of life for the better.
2
You constantly pay off your emotions
Of course, living people sometimes lose their temper and can raise their voice, be offended, or act sharply. But when more and more often you hear excuses like "I was tired, so I yelled," "I lost my temper, therefore I said nasty things," "I freaked out, that’s why I threw your phone at the wall" and the like - then at some point Alas, it does not matter what emotional state you were in. Even if he loves you and can make a discount on your problems, then you will not be able to forget the screams, offensive words addressed to you or broken things with all your desire.
What to do? Search for the cause of such stormy emotions and disruptions. It is possible that you do have a reason to be angry and worried. This is just a splash of aggression in shouts, caustic remarks and throwing things in no way helps, but, on the contrary, only aggravates the situation. You need to look for the real cause of negative feelings and deal with it.
3
You move your own boundaries in the hope that they will love you for it.
You agree to meet with your girlfriend in an uncomfortable place at a completely inconvenient time, because you love and appreciate her - but secretly hope that she will be very, very simply incredibly glad to see you. A friend does not glow with happiness at all and the whole evening talks about marriage problems - because she, in general, wanted to see her for that. That you are uncomfortable and you want some kind of compensation, she was not at all in the know.
You are not talking about what excites you, because you think that the other person will not be interested in it - and you are striving to win his sympathy. But then you start to get angry, shut up, or respond sharply. Here's an egocentric why he won't ask anything about you! All about yourself yes about yourself. For the second person, the situation looks discouraging: you just were nice and interestedly endorsed, and suddenly begin to shout or be silent, looking at the wall.
You are going to a sports match with your husband, because he called you and it seems to you that it is not convenient to refuse: for once, he offered some kind of joint leisure! The problem is that football is completely uninteresting to you, and freezing at the stadium with a plastic glass of beer in your hand is painful. On the way back you suddenly break down: you sacrificed your time, spent three terribly boring hours ... And in return, nothing! No special thanks, no love, and he says only about this match, and not about you! You hurt, and insult spills in tears and screams. But the husband was not aware that you made the sacrifice. Perhaps he would even agree to go to the match without you, and the next day buy two tickets to a warm and cozy cinema - if he knew that this option was preferable for you.
These “mental deals” and sacrifices can be very different. I sacrifice my need to be alone or alone, but for this partner should be nice, kind, and give me solid compliments, and not talk about my work. I silently pretend that I feel comfortable with his or her style of communication with other women or men, that I am not jealous, and let the partner feel guilty and very much obliged to me.
The problem with manipulators is that for some reason they are afraid to voice their desires, demands and expectations directly. And they bargain "closed". These transactions exist only in their head: the second party is forced either to guess about their conditions on indirect grounds, or to remain in happy ignorance until she receives a claim that she has not fulfilled her part.
4
You are helping, waiting for the response service - but do not talk about it
As with all manipulations, there are nuances. If the husband tells his wife that he is not obliged to do anything and she should not expect him to return services to him - in this case, he is the manipulator. In a close relationship, it’s okay to expect help, support and separation of duties from each other. And in general, waiting for something for their services and help is also normal.
It is bad when these expectations remain unanswered, and a step towards them is presented as disinterested, although in fact it is not. You give a friend advice on how to prepare a business seminar, hoping that he will give you a free invitation, and when you don’t receive it, you’re offended. A friend does not understand why you suddenly became so cold: he just sent you a few questions to the messenger and asked for advice. He did not know that you mentally assigned a fee for the service and now he owes you.
This item is similar to the previous one: you do something for a person as if for nothing, implying bargaining at the same time - but you do not call the price out loud. Such actions cease to be a manipulation if we honestly and openly say, for example: "Well, let me join your group on the social network, and then please advertise my event on your page." Then a person may agree, and maybe not - but you voiced your expectations and the price of the transaction. It is dishonest to expect that others will intuitively guess what exactly you want for your help and kindness.
5
You are an exception to the rules.
You are not subject to general agreements. That is, you, of course, understand that it would be good to observe them, but something exceptional happens, which, of course, justifies your act. You have been loaded more than others. Or terrible traffic jams happened because it is you who live on the busiest highway in this city. You were terribly upset, not in yourself, or you didn’t sleep terribly and forgot. You advocate that everyone should come to the alumni meeting on time (“We are busy people! Let's value each other’s time!”), While you yourself are an hour late. But you are the organizer of the meeting! No one should be angry with you: they would know how difficult it was to gather everyone.
Perhaps all these excuses are sincere and even partly fair. The problem is different: if this is true, then the agreements reached and the rules created are not suitable for you. So, they need to be revised, and do it better in the open. To stipulate that you want to have the right to be late for an hour, that you may not complete your part of the deal, because now you are overwhelmed with work, or you want to sleep a bit longer in the morning, and the meeting needs to be postponed. But such a scenario, of course, carries an additional burden: other participants may also want to indulge themselves or refuse to accept yours - and this will have to be considered.
How to stop manipulating?
All manipulations have a common feature: this is an attempt to get what you want not directly, but bypassing, as it were, through complex multiple passes. Contrary to popular myth, manipulators are not deft and cynical schemers, but often insecure people who lack a sense of their own value. It seems to them that no one will ever give them directly what they would like. They have no feeling that they can be loved just in such a way that they can safely defend their rights and borders and will not remain all alone after that.
The way out of this situation is the same as the entrance. It is necessary to strengthen the sense of self-worth, the feeling that you, like any other person, deserve unconditional love and are able to receive it. That you have the full right to ensure that others respect your boundaries, comfortable communication, fair remuneration for services - and you can safely claim these rights.
Photo:Alex_Po - stock.adobe.com, ThomasLENNE - stock.adobe.com